dance, not, drive, yes
k so this isn't gonna be very long because the point of coming home was partly so i could do my homework, but..
another dance. i went cos it was the napoleon dynamite one, so i was all excited and whatever, plus everyone was like you HAVE to go!!! .. but then i get there and basically felt like every time i tried to join in with another little cliquey group they'd pretty much close their circle off and act like i wasn't there. that sounds horribly self-pitiful and pathetic but it's kind of how it was... and it was weird cos it was like people i see all the time who i'm friends with, but it didn't work.. somehow. part of it was that i really just had no desire to dance. like i could hardly force my body to do anything. and usually i can b.s. it and get myself to have a semi-good-ok time.. but it kinda didn't work this time. then there's calinai. she's like the epitome of everything i compare myself to when it comes to the kind of confidence she has and the way her mind works naturally without having to try.. at dances it really comes out, especially when kate's there. plus the fact that she's been a ballerina her whole life and she does cheerleading now.. so she has every reason to be completely confident dancing and doing whatever crazy thing she feels like doing without worrying about what people think (although tonight it totally surprised me when she was like, "i can't believe you think i'm a good dancer.." i don't remember exactly what it was although it was like less than half an hour ago.. that's how bad my memory is.. but something about her feeling like people are thinking "what's she doing.." and then she said, "thank you for the compliment") but it is incredibly awkward and hard to have self-confidence when you're the one hanging out with her, but not able to dance like her. you spend the whole time trying to make everyone think you're totally having a great time and you're totally confident and you don't care, but really you're just looking at every move she does and wondering how she knows all of it and where she gets it and how she knows when to do it and and and and.....
so instead of looking to everyone like you're fine and you're confident, you really just look like and feel like a tard.
so it was the cliquey thing, plus the stupid music thing (they play it at every dance and i never really even did like it but i pretended it was cool because i pretended i was happy at the dances ... ) and realizing i could be listening to music i actually did like, plus the calinai thing, plus being around kate the girl who has always been best friends with guys and who magically knows exactly what to wear and already magically has the perfect body but still thinks she should lose weight, plus being completely surrounded by all the stupid little perfect airhead girls from antioch and wherever else who give me the illusion that my head will literally implode if i remain in their presence any longer.....
but the one completely awesome thing was when anderson saw me in the hall on my cell phone talking to my mom and she asked if i wanted a ride home. it was one of those totally spontaneous moments where everything sucks and then all of a sudden something really crazy and cool changes it. so maybe that was the reason for the dance sucking so much. i think it was worth it. i feel okay about it now.