you're too afraid to care
doritoes for breakfast on a monday morning with a nice sugary cup of coffee. not sure that it gets much better than that.
well i had quite a weekend. im trying to think of what details to leave out and which to embelish upon... hmm...
well first and foremost - friday night was the best night ever i think. (minus some phone shit that happened and me being a bitch to shaun like always - sometimes i really hate myself)
first of all - tylor, desi and i went to some haunted houses and then to a movie.
then my night just got better. i guess ill spare the details. all ill do is confuse myself or make myself think something that is not true... sooo...yes i didnt go to bed till like 4:30 so that sucked. but it was for all the right reasons.
then saturday - went to shauns then desis and we hung out and then got ready for our friend chrises party. GOOD FUN! i got to take louie - b/c well.. he matched my outfit. for those of you not familiar with louie...
ahh yes - louie louie louie. how do i love thee? 600 dollars worth of pure beauty.
okay so anyhow then drama with jeremy and desi so i drove her back to her house at like 4 - we didnt go to bed till like 5:30. her crying the whole way back. boys suck!!
along with the "breakup" with myself and someone earlier that night. alot of crying on both ends there. it sucked. not a relaxing day at all. i was tired.just all the
drama in trying to figre out my "buddies". i hate it more than just about anything.
oh i would just love to spout off everything i feel about last night as well. and saturday night with the text messages and the ... oohh..
fuck it - i guess i will. i just feel like i try so hard. i try and i try and i try. ive learned the games. and learned them well. if you read my earliest journal entries i talk about how the games suck and i would never lower myself.
well here i am. bottom of the barell pretending to be an apple when really im a great big huge juicy orange.
i was being a good buddy last night. at least i thought. i was tired but i was having fun. being silly and all that. but mainly just having fun.
ugh i cant even explain myself. im not pissed or mad or anything at all like that. just frustreated and confused.
Rule #1. Dont ignore my text messages. Especialy if I'm being honest about something.
its like there is this buddy wall and i want to stay on the safe side of it, but i already seem to be teetering on the top of it about to fall into the unsafe horribly painful side.
but it doesnt have to be painful. the "buddy" just makes it that way.
the walls are 500 feet tall and just as thick. oh and they are steel. yes, steel. so if you were to take some sort of really high powered blow torch and try to get through to the bad side(that could be good if the wall came down)more walls go up... and thorns. yes thorns. flesh ripping thorns that hurt to touch. they make my fingers bleed usually.
and the only thing that makes the walls dissapear for mere moments at a time is... fuck i dont know. they just dissapear occasionally. gone vanished. and i look up and there are rainbows and bunnys hopping about. and beautiful mountains. like in the two towers movie.
and a tiny little bit of sweetness seeps through to me and then BAM! the walls fall back in place with the hollow sad heartsinking sound of a jail cell door being slammed.
fuck, i think to myself. if only i could prolong those nice bunny hopping, rainbow seeing, georgeous mountain moments. but no. they are all smothered in comments about various things that generally i let roll off of my shoulders and laugh about them but they really get to me after a while.
i dont mean to let them. and they dont usually. just at certian times.
i hope noone knows what im talking about and you are all just staring at your computer screen going ... um ok... shes crazy...
that would be fine with me. dont ask for explination b/c i wont give it to you.
i was given permission to write about this whole thing/siuation/buddy.
but like i said last night ... i cant reveal myself.
but this always happens. always always always.
and the second i stop really caring about a person, as a friend or otherwise, they always come back. always.
but by that time ive lost interest. completly. gone.
fucking livejournal. its going to be the death of me. but its all i have
well i have my desi hooha! but my journal - i love my journal.
im rambling arent i?
who cares. my journal.
maybe im just in this mood because its monday morning and my job responsibilities have been doubled but my pay hasnt. it hasnt even been raised. i think thats where all of this is coming from. and god im tired. i need a good night of pure sleep.
desi watched requiem last night and not to my surprise - she loved it. just goes to show that we are that much more alike - twinkies.
ahh tonight is halloween costume shopping - we made our final(i hope!) decision of devil/angel. and of course she gave me the devil side
but it will be more fun to dress up as i think. but we will see
have you ever planned/thought about your own funeral? this is a random thought that just entered my little brain. this is not a "look at me i hate my life" topic. its a simple question. sometimes when i get bored and im driving -- i put in a cd or two that has songs that would be songs i would have played at my funeral. and who would be there, and what everyone would do. it usually takes about 4 1/2 mins before i get bored and find myself thinking about online shopping, the new shoes i want, or where im going to go for lunch.
is that twisted? i dont think it is but i would just like to make sure.
its more of a time passing activity i think. a 4 1/2 minute time passing activity that is ;-)
i really have alot of stuff to write about but i dont feellike writing anymore. i feel like doing one of two things
2. staring at a wall while realizing that i am the greatest most brilliant person ALIVE(i am the "ou" in out and if you tell anyone....:-))
or
1. sleeping
i think ill go for #1.
the subject sums it up. stop being a coward. i love you
well i had quite a weekend. im trying to think of what details to leave out and which to embelish upon... hmm...
well first and foremost - friday night was the best night ever i think. (minus some phone shit that happened and me being a bitch to shaun like always - sometimes i really hate myself)
first of all - tylor, desi and i went to some haunted houses and then to a movie.
then my night just got better. i guess ill spare the details. all ill do is confuse myself or make myself think something that is not true... sooo...yes i didnt go to bed till like 4:30 so that sucked. but it was for all the right reasons.
then saturday - went to shauns then desis and we hung out and then got ready for our friend chrises party. GOOD FUN! i got to take louie - b/c well.. he matched my outfit. for those of you not familiar with louie...
ahh yes - louie louie louie. how do i love thee? 600 dollars worth of pure beauty.
okay so anyhow then drama with jeremy and desi so i drove her back to her house at like 4 - we didnt go to bed till like 5:30. her crying the whole way back. boys suck!!
along with the "breakup" with myself and someone earlier that night. alot of crying on both ends there. it sucked. not a relaxing day at all. i was tired.just all the
drama in trying to figre out my "buddies". i hate it more than just about anything.
oh i would just love to spout off everything i feel about last night as well. and saturday night with the text messages and the ... oohh..
fuck it - i guess i will. i just feel like i try so hard. i try and i try and i try. ive learned the games. and learned them well. if you read my earliest journal entries i talk about how the games suck and i would never lower myself.
well here i am. bottom of the barell pretending to be an apple when really im a great big huge juicy orange.
i was being a good buddy last night. at least i thought. i was tired but i was having fun. being silly and all that. but mainly just having fun.
ugh i cant even explain myself. im not pissed or mad or anything at all like that. just frustreated and confused.
Rule #1. Dont ignore my text messages. Especialy if I'm being honest about something.
its like there is this buddy wall and i want to stay on the safe side of it, but i already seem to be teetering on the top of it about to fall into the unsafe horribly painful side.
but it doesnt have to be painful. the "buddy" just makes it that way.
the walls are 500 feet tall and just as thick. oh and they are steel. yes, steel. so if you were to take some sort of really high powered blow torch and try to get through to the bad side(that could be good if the wall came down)more walls go up... and thorns. yes thorns. flesh ripping thorns that hurt to touch. they make my fingers bleed usually.
and the only thing that makes the walls dissapear for mere moments at a time is... fuck i dont know. they just dissapear occasionally. gone vanished. and i look up and there are rainbows and bunnys hopping about. and beautiful mountains. like in the two towers movie.
and a tiny little bit of sweetness seeps through to me and then BAM! the walls fall back in place with the hollow sad heartsinking sound of a jail cell door being slammed.
fuck, i think to myself. if only i could prolong those nice bunny hopping, rainbow seeing, georgeous mountain moments. but no. they are all smothered in comments about various things that generally i let roll off of my shoulders and laugh about them but they really get to me after a while.
i dont mean to let them. and they dont usually. just at certian times.
i hope noone knows what im talking about and you are all just staring at your computer screen going ... um ok... shes crazy...
that would be fine with me. dont ask for explination b/c i wont give it to you.
i was given permission to write about this whole thing/siuation/buddy.
but like i said last night ... i cant reveal myself.
but this always happens. always always always.
and the second i stop really caring about a person, as a friend or otherwise, they always come back. always.
but by that time ive lost interest. completly. gone.
fucking livejournal. its going to be the death of me. but its all i have
well i have my desi hooha! but my journal - i love my journal.
im rambling arent i?
who cares. my journal.
maybe im just in this mood because its monday morning and my job responsibilities have been doubled but my pay hasnt. it hasnt even been raised. i think thats where all of this is coming from. and god im tired. i need a good night of pure sleep.
desi watched requiem last night and not to my surprise - she loved it. just goes to show that we are that much more alike - twinkies.
ahh tonight is halloween costume shopping - we made our final(i hope!) decision of devil/angel. and of course she gave me the devil side
but it will be more fun to dress up as i think. but we will see
have you ever planned/thought about your own funeral? this is a random thought that just entered my little brain. this is not a "look at me i hate my life" topic. its a simple question. sometimes when i get bored and im driving -- i put in a cd or two that has songs that would be songs i would have played at my funeral. and who would be there, and what everyone would do. it usually takes about 4 1/2 mins before i get bored and find myself thinking about online shopping, the new shoes i want, or where im going to go for lunch.
is that twisted? i dont think it is but i would just like to make sure.
its more of a time passing activity i think. a 4 1/2 minute time passing activity that is ;-)
i really have alot of stuff to write about but i dont feellike writing anymore. i feel like doing one of two things
2. staring at a wall while realizing that i am the greatest most brilliant person ALIVE(i am the "ou" in out and if you tell anyone....:-))
or
1. sleeping
i think ill go for #1.
the subject sums it up. stop being a coward. i love you