shaun david field
the warmth by incubus.
this reminds me of shaun in our first year together.
summer of 2000.
it reminds me of us driving around in my eagle talon all summer.
us sneaking back into my dads house while he was away for the summer to do whatever we wanted, and of course getting caught.
and staying together at his house while his parents were out of town for a weekend.
and getting caught again.
of going to canada for a week and being the happiest we had been to that point and thereafter.
we have yet to see that kind of happiness again.
this song reminds me of the tire we left on some dirt backroad amongst a bunch of pine trees.
the tire is still there - i checked 6 months ago.
its in the same place.
no one knows its there.
this song reminds me of all kinds of craziness that went on
it reminds me of us merging into one person that would become "us" for the next 3 years.
it reminds me of shaun drumming on my dashboard like nobodys business.
it reminds me of dream by gap because thats what the talon always smelled like - when i smell it to this day i am trasported back to that summer scene by scene all in 18 seconds and then its gone.
it reminds me of blue guess shorts and quicksilver teeshirts from pac sun.
im sitting in shauns room by myself. hes at the bar.
but i said it was okay. and i meant it.
i just feel a bit lonely. but i shouldnt i guess.
im surrounded my mounds of my own clothes, a kitten that might be named daphney, and a pile of quarters for a washer and dryer upstairs that have yet to be filled.
i was going to do the dishes and the laundry but then livejournal, chatting and downloading marilyn manson videos overcame me.
suddenly its midnight and im thinking about that double shot of tequila and wendesday night -- and how im not fully recovered and my body is screaming for rest.
typing takes a minimal amount of energy. so i should be fine.
we hope at least.
ahh.. here comes i miss you and pardon me.
back to shaun and the end of my senior year and then ....
its amazing to me how much i have changed since then. how much he has changed.
how much we have changed.
you cant really sum up a person or a relationship or your entire life for the last 4 years in a live journal entry.
the smells, tastes, feelings, fears, happiness, songs, etc etc.
noone else knows. or will ever know for that matter.
noone will know about the endless hours spent in his room just watching movies and hanging out, the fights over the dumb shit, the times at my house, the first apartment in east lansing and the shit that led to.
but through it all we had each other.
that first night on his bedroom floor watching braveheart and how he touched my face before i left his house.
how he wore that structure tee shirt and scared the shit out of me.
how he filled out the survey that was one of my first emails from him and i printed it off and still have it in the "shaun hearts crystal" box.
i had crying fits that turned to laughing fits where he just held me so i couldnt even fall to my knees. 3 fold utopian dream
you do something to me, that i cant explain.
would i be out of line if i said i miss you?
through his band. my straying. each others friends. wavering feelings. back and forth and up and down.
ive tried to explain the feelings that float out of me and fill his yard, his room, his house. all my territory.
until it burned this past summer. literally. his house caught on fire and its all been redone and i havent seen it since.
everything i remember is gone
the house layout is different
its like all of the memories burned while we did.
i think if i went back there i would cry uncontrollably(sp?)
nothing would be the same and his parents hate me.
hah.
little do they know hes been hanging out with me for over a month.
hah. the devil is back.
but im not really the devil.
or am i?
through me storming out more times that either of us can count, edru bitches, polo sport cologne, showers, redecorating, high fidelity, extreme more than words, other girls, other boys, everquest, bladder infections, fights over the remote, not being able to eat, eating too many bagels with cheese, 1915 S Edgar, 4340 Swan, "the van", singing to me, me trying to sing, boink, me spending too much money, him not making enough, me not making enough, me always buying him presents to show him i loved him, him trying to return the favor in the only way he knew how, me mistaking it for him not loving me, orange pop stains on his wall from his temper when i was a bitch, the cd with 20 tracks that i made that he cried over, it being the "real thing" and us not knowing how to deal with it, kissing when his mom wasnt looking, joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat(twice just to see him play the trumpet like woah), me always pissed about other girls, him not caring enough about other guys, his sister punching me in the face and him ready to blast her back(i dont know why i didnt), his other sister fucking with him for 17 years before i got there and the shit we went through involving her, social services, police, bullshit, flowers, kisses, laughing at absolutly nothing and loving it, me tucking him in before i went home and never wanting to leave, almost going to musicals, him calling me to say im almost to your house when i didnt even know he was coming over, 7th grader, my shaun, your crystal, tears over stuff we didnt know how to handle but he said we would make it through, me always pulling him to the "ring" section of any store we were in that had one and him rolling his eyes because he was half embarrassed half happy, him telling me he would marry me, me freaking out, him telling me i can redecorate his room/apartment any way i want to, him and my dad out in the garage doing manly stuff that he had no idea how to do but was trying to learn, 311, me crying over a multitude of things and him always making me laugh, spending out entire spring break in the movie theater watching movies and then some, watching high fidelity in theaters 6 times(twice in 1 day) and dubbing it "our movie", some people just feel like home, i love you, i hate you, fuck you, kiss me, hug me, hold me, all girls are psycho, all boys are cheaters, love, love, love, love, love, love, christmases trying to figure out what to get each others families, birthdays that were one day apart from each other and always deciding to spend it together doing nothing, his mom asking when we were going to get married, and my dad telling me we were too young, james running to shaun when we came to my house with his arms open, the "lori fiasco", mowing his lawn and me helping with the "trimming", painting his barn, sneaking outside after dark, me laying on the floor begging, him just begging period, ooooo faces, the small planet, guitar lessons, jealousy, betrayal, love, love, love, love, long sleeve shirts and bracelets to hide my marks but him finally finding them, the upper room, painting my toenails and then him letting me paint his(and leaving it on), numerous friends coming and going, my gramdma dying of cancer and him sitting in her bedroom with me when i would go to visit, going to steele street elementary on a wednesday night, going back 3 years later sitting in his car crying, january 15th 2001 in ann arbor on professional drive, holiday inn, regent inn, incubus, no prom for better things.........................
you get the idea.
its rerun night on the shaun and crystal channel.
ahh... tiredness is getting to me
sleep.
this reminds me of shaun in our first year together.
summer of 2000.
it reminds me of us driving around in my eagle talon all summer.
us sneaking back into my dads house while he was away for the summer to do whatever we wanted, and of course getting caught.
and staying together at his house while his parents were out of town for a weekend.
and getting caught again.
of going to canada for a week and being the happiest we had been to that point and thereafter.
we have yet to see that kind of happiness again.
this song reminds me of the tire we left on some dirt backroad amongst a bunch of pine trees.
the tire is still there - i checked 6 months ago.
its in the same place.
no one knows its there.
this song reminds me of all kinds of craziness that went on
it reminds me of us merging into one person that would become "us" for the next 3 years.
it reminds me of shaun drumming on my dashboard like nobodys business.
it reminds me of dream by gap because thats what the talon always smelled like - when i smell it to this day i am trasported back to that summer scene by scene all in 18 seconds and then its gone.
it reminds me of blue guess shorts and quicksilver teeshirts from pac sun.
im sitting in shauns room by myself. hes at the bar.
but i said it was okay. and i meant it.
i just feel a bit lonely. but i shouldnt i guess.
im surrounded my mounds of my own clothes, a kitten that might be named daphney, and a pile of quarters for a washer and dryer upstairs that have yet to be filled.
i was going to do the dishes and the laundry but then livejournal, chatting and downloading marilyn manson videos overcame me.
suddenly its midnight and im thinking about that double shot of tequila and wendesday night -- and how im not fully recovered and my body is screaming for rest.
typing takes a minimal amount of energy. so i should be fine.
we hope at least.
ahh.. here comes i miss you and pardon me.
back to shaun and the end of my senior year and then ....
its amazing to me how much i have changed since then. how much he has changed.
how much we have changed.
you cant really sum up a person or a relationship or your entire life for the last 4 years in a live journal entry.
the smells, tastes, feelings, fears, happiness, songs, etc etc.
noone else knows. or will ever know for that matter.
noone will know about the endless hours spent in his room just watching movies and hanging out, the fights over the dumb shit, the times at my house, the first apartment in east lansing and the shit that led to.
but through it all we had each other.
that first night on his bedroom floor watching braveheart and how he touched my face before i left his house.
how he wore that structure tee shirt and scared the shit out of me.
how he filled out the survey that was one of my first emails from him and i printed it off and still have it in the "shaun hearts crystal" box.
i had crying fits that turned to laughing fits where he just held me so i couldnt even fall to my knees. 3 fold utopian dream
you do something to me, that i cant explain.
would i be out of line if i said i miss you?
through his band. my straying. each others friends. wavering feelings. back and forth and up and down.
ive tried to explain the feelings that float out of me and fill his yard, his room, his house. all my territory.
until it burned this past summer. literally. his house caught on fire and its all been redone and i havent seen it since.
everything i remember is gone
the house layout is different
its like all of the memories burned while we did.
i think if i went back there i would cry uncontrollably(sp?)
nothing would be the same and his parents hate me.
hah.
little do they know hes been hanging out with me for over a month.
hah. the devil is back.
but im not really the devil.
or am i?
through me storming out more times that either of us can count, edru bitches, polo sport cologne, showers, redecorating, high fidelity, extreme more than words, other girls, other boys, everquest, bladder infections, fights over the remote, not being able to eat, eating too many bagels with cheese, 1915 S Edgar, 4340 Swan, "the van", singing to me, me trying to sing, boink, me spending too much money, him not making enough, me not making enough, me always buying him presents to show him i loved him, him trying to return the favor in the only way he knew how, me mistaking it for him not loving me, orange pop stains on his wall from his temper when i was a bitch, the cd with 20 tracks that i made that he cried over, it being the "real thing" and us not knowing how to deal with it, kissing when his mom wasnt looking, joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat(twice just to see him play the trumpet like woah), me always pissed about other girls, him not caring enough about other guys, his sister punching me in the face and him ready to blast her back(i dont know why i didnt), his other sister fucking with him for 17 years before i got there and the shit we went through involving her, social services, police, bullshit, flowers, kisses, laughing at absolutly nothing and loving it, me tucking him in before i went home and never wanting to leave, almost going to musicals, him calling me to say im almost to your house when i didnt even know he was coming over, 7th grader, my shaun, your crystal, tears over stuff we didnt know how to handle but he said we would make it through, me always pulling him to the "ring" section of any store we were in that had one and him rolling his eyes because he was half embarrassed half happy, him telling me he would marry me, me freaking out, him telling me i can redecorate his room/apartment any way i want to, him and my dad out in the garage doing manly stuff that he had no idea how to do but was trying to learn, 311, me crying over a multitude of things and him always making me laugh, spending out entire spring break in the movie theater watching movies and then some, watching high fidelity in theaters 6 times(twice in 1 day) and dubbing it "our movie", some people just feel like home, i love you, i hate you, fuck you, kiss me, hug me, hold me, all girls are psycho, all boys are cheaters, love, love, love, love, love, love, christmases trying to figure out what to get each others families, birthdays that were one day apart from each other and always deciding to spend it together doing nothing, his mom asking when we were going to get married, and my dad telling me we were too young, james running to shaun when we came to my house with his arms open, the "lori fiasco", mowing his lawn and me helping with the "trimming", painting his barn, sneaking outside after dark, me laying on the floor begging, him just begging period, ooooo faces, the small planet, guitar lessons, jealousy, betrayal, love, love, love, love, long sleeve shirts and bracelets to hide my marks but him finally finding them, the upper room, painting my toenails and then him letting me paint his(and leaving it on), numerous friends coming and going, my gramdma dying of cancer and him sitting in her bedroom with me when i would go to visit, going to steele street elementary on a wednesday night, going back 3 years later sitting in his car crying, january 15th 2001 in ann arbor on professional drive, holiday inn, regent inn, incubus, no prom for better things.........................
you get the idea.
its rerun night on the shaun and crystal channel.
ahh... tiredness is getting to me
sleep.