(no subject)
Public post, because there are some people who can't read my LJ and that I'd really like to read this.
The clouds are grim, dropping pellets of scornful rain that pierce the skin as they trickle down my cheek. Seems ironic that the sky would be falling as everything else has fallen apart. A sort of pathetic fallacy, that exists only in my mind to explain the current events. My mind no longer craves the equations and numbers it did with hunger a few days ago, as I am no longer capable of studying for fear my brain will explode having crammed too much information into it. PV=nRT, as the number of moles of matter increase in my brain, the volume will increase as well as the pressure also increasing (as they are directly proportional).
Blankly staring at the beige walls once covered with pictures of familiar faces and posters, it seems as though I am daydreaming. But I am not. I just stare blankly, wishing to continue studying no more and instead find myself in the comfort of my own bed at home. My bags are packed, with boxes towering to the ceiling. But what is there honestly to look forward to at home? Lost friends wandering the city, everywhere I turn a face I once knew, eyes that I caused to shed tears. And what of the tears they caused me to shed? Guess it doesnt really matter. Things fell apart, I gave up, you gave up.. all too tiring to go on. In the end, we both have what we've always dreamed for. Our ideal life, with someone we love, with bright aspirations that seem so close you could grab it with your hand if you just stretched a little further, with so many friends you can't count them on one hand, or two.. or even your toes. Perhaps you have to sacrifice certain things, to make your dreams come true. But I have none of that. So I've sacrficed everything, to gain nothing in return. Hardly seems like a fair bargain to me.
I call up a friend. "hello?" She doesnt even recognize who I am. And it's as if the years of talking on the phone for hours everynight whithered away when I fucked things up. The akward silences are noticed by both of us, as we attempt not to ask the same questions over and over again. But we still do, or rather I do. "how are you?"... "so.. hows it going?"..."and how are things?". Its obvious the pain that was caused between them... or rather us. I forgot I was in the conversation. Seems as though I just listened in from a distance, noticing the topics of conversation that were jumped around.. "so how is....?" "oh he's fine. we dont speak anymore" And then the dying phone battery saves them both by counting down the last few seconds of their first conversation.. beep.... beep... However, the second conversation shouldn't be as bad. We both pray as we hang up the phone.
So much for the sunburn I hoped to get when we went to the beach together, all of us laying on the warm sand after a day of volleyball, and swimming. So much for the late nights spent at Williams, after a horrible movie, gossiping about everything and everyone. So much for those spectacular summer days I dreamed of, getting hammered at a friends house, or watching random infomercials till 3 am. So much for making friends that would last an eternity. Seems like an eternity wasn't all that long anyways. So much for it all. Can't wait till September... can't wait till the summer's over.