talk is cheap.
i know noone really reads this, but its okay, i just have so much stuff going on in my head i need somewhere to put it.
basically this past month has been a rollercoaster..from feeling shitty/my everyday okay-ness to feeling on top of the world to hitting the bottom of the barrel. and obviously you can probably guess why- i met a boy.
in the beginning before our first date and even after i told myself that i wasn't going to let myself get hooked and get attached..that i was just going to go with the flow. my problem is that i like the chase- if a boy likes me but still does his own thing..i like that. but if a boy likes me and calls/texts/IM's me nonstop..even though thats a sign that hes reeeeally into you- i push them away. its like a psychological thing or something.
anyway, this past weekend there was a party at the same house the last party was at where i met him. we get there- me and him talk for a little bit..whatever. then me/nicole/maria start funneling beers and he was holding it for me and whatnot then his phone rang and he disapeared. as time went on...more people start showing up (girls..) now honestly, i have the lowest self esteem whatsoever but these girls made me feel like i was fucking gorgeous. anyway, later on i see a girl sitting on his lap- and him rubbing her back. i lost it. i started BAWLING. hysterical crying over some guy ive been "dating" i guess you can say. some guy ive been staying up til 3am everynight when i have class at 8:30. then i peak the corner again and see him talking to some girl and him give her his number...and i lost it even more..ok so elapsed time of my crying thus far: 3 1/2 hrs. then i go outside to try and calm down..and then someone said to his sister "where is he" and shes like.."oh in the basement i think" my heart sunk..i went to turn he corner and there he is- walking up the stairs with some UGLY bitch behind him.
maria and billy were the only ones who stayed with me every minute the whole entire time..and i would do the same for both of them, maria has my heart and so does billy- their amazing friends.
total elapsed crying time the entire night- 11pm-4am. around 4ish i go in the living room and there he is sitting by himself reading a guitar magazine. and i sit next to him on the other couch and we end up holding hands. now the whole time all my friends knew why i was crying- and i think he knew he did something wrong.. and i basically told him i wasnt crying because of him and hes like "ok good i was hoping it wasnt cause of me"
i really really like him.
and it crushes me.
esp because hes dating this hidious creature thing. "iMa SkA pRiNCeSz" or something. i showed my mom her picture and she said it was because she had boobs..and andrew said "she doesnt take hot car pictures like you do- she takes dumpster pictures" i dont know where he comes up with these things but now its to the point where im pulling the all time highschool girl favorite- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DONT HAVE?
just typing teh whole store makes me want to vomit.
OH,
and a few weeks ago he offered to ever help me study for finals. monday i brought up that i had a final thursday. well a test (that i totally made up...white lie. it was okay) then he said "we had to work it around his schedule" then today i call him and 100 rings later he basically says he cant because he has to study for his genetics final tomorrow. mmmmdidnt you know this when i asked you? i find it BS.
all i want to do is slum around and cry. but thats no way to meet new boys, carlie.
so im hitttiiin uppp daaa kkkllluuub with joanna tonight..uh..strange i know. but i really need to get out..even though i knowwhat ill be thinking about the whole time.
basically this past month has been a rollercoaster..from feeling shitty/my everyday okay-ness to feeling on top of the world to hitting the bottom of the barrel. and obviously you can probably guess why- i met a boy.
in the beginning before our first date and even after i told myself that i wasn't going to let myself get hooked and get attached..that i was just going to go with the flow. my problem is that i like the chase- if a boy likes me but still does his own thing..i like that. but if a boy likes me and calls/texts/IM's me nonstop..even though thats a sign that hes reeeeally into you- i push them away. its like a psychological thing or something.
anyway, this past weekend there was a party at the same house the last party was at where i met him. we get there- me and him talk for a little bit..whatever. then me/nicole/maria start funneling beers and he was holding it for me and whatnot then his phone rang and he disapeared. as time went on...more people start showing up (girls..) now honestly, i have the lowest self esteem whatsoever but these girls made me feel like i was fucking gorgeous. anyway, later on i see a girl sitting on his lap- and him rubbing her back. i lost it. i started BAWLING. hysterical crying over some guy ive been "dating" i guess you can say. some guy ive been staying up til 3am everynight when i have class at 8:30. then i peak the corner again and see him talking to some girl and him give her his number...and i lost it even more..ok so elapsed time of my crying thus far: 3 1/2 hrs. then i go outside to try and calm down..and then someone said to his sister "where is he" and shes like.."oh in the basement i think" my heart sunk..i went to turn he corner and there he is- walking up the stairs with some UGLY bitch behind him.
maria and billy were the only ones who stayed with me every minute the whole entire time..and i would do the same for both of them, maria has my heart and so does billy- their amazing friends.
total elapsed crying time the entire night- 11pm-4am. around 4ish i go in the living room and there he is sitting by himself reading a guitar magazine. and i sit next to him on the other couch and we end up holding hands. now the whole time all my friends knew why i was crying- and i think he knew he did something wrong.. and i basically told him i wasnt crying because of him and hes like "ok good i was hoping it wasnt cause of me"
i really really like him.
and it crushes me.
esp because hes dating this hidious creature thing. "iMa SkA pRiNCeSz" or something. i showed my mom her picture and she said it was because she had boobs..and andrew said "she doesnt take hot car pictures like you do- she takes dumpster pictures" i dont know where he comes up with these things but now its to the point where im pulling the all time highschool girl favorite- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DONT HAVE?
just typing teh whole store makes me want to vomit.
OH,
and a few weeks ago he offered to ever help me study for finals. monday i brought up that i had a final thursday. well a test (that i totally made up...white lie. it was okay) then he said "we had to work it around his schedule" then today i call him and 100 rings later he basically says he cant because he has to study for his genetics final tomorrow. mmmmdidnt you know this when i asked you? i find it BS.
all i want to do is slum around and cry. but thats no way to meet new boys, carlie.
so im hitttiiin uppp daaa kkkllluuub with joanna tonight..uh..strange i know. but i really need to get out..even though i knowwhat ill be thinking about the whole time.