"Daily Bread, For Seven Summers" [NC-17] 4/4 *Complete*
Title:Daily Bread, For Seven Summers 4/4 *complete*
Author:
apostrophee archived @
maddys_slash
Word Count: 28,070
Paring: Jared/Jensen main focus; mild experimental underage Chad/Jared; brief Jensen/Chris Kane
Rating/ Genre: NC-17 for explicit sexual situation; AU angst, romance
Summary: With every passing summer, another lesson is learned. The summer of ‘74 was supposed to be the summer of love, but with his brother off at the war, it was hard for Jared to see an upside to life. That is until he meets his new step-cousin Jensen, the jaded nephew of a preacher who through the course of seven summers teaches him things to last a lifetime.
AN: Based from an original idea by
laugiana This is a reworked and completed version of the story originally posted, and never finished, from September 2007 - February 2008. To those who read the original version, you can pick things up in here in part four which is the official ending. Special thank you to
vunadiwai for editing the first half of the original version as well as supplying gorgeous artwork and to
crazyjoyfulgirl for general awesomeness.
[Part One] [Part Two] [Part Three]
&&&
Taking time to make time,
Telling me that he’s all mine…
The feel of his hands, the feel of Jared’s wide, strong hands flexing around his cock makes Jensen dizzy and he blinks back something that feels dangerously close to tears. He can’t think straight, nearly comes off of the bed when he feels Jared’s tongue slick, warm and rough flickering across the tip of his dick. One last time Jensen tells himself. This is the last goodbye we’re going to say.
They check out of the motel just before noon. They are like soldiers emerging from some unknown war, bodies’ sore and scarred, causalities of each other. The front desk clerk gives them a curiously scornful look as if he is very much aware of what Jared and Jensen have spent the last fifteen hours doing and he’s judging them, holding them in a court of revulsion, but is wise enough to keep these thoughts to himself. He knows what they are. He can see the Texas Ranger badges proudly on display across their chests and he’s not trying to ruffle any feathers.
The ride back into town is somber. The weight of reality hangs in the air, suspended above the roof of the truck like a rain cloud as Jensen turns onto his street. Jensen’s house sits pretty and pristine painted a perfect shade of white. He’s been married for two years now to a girl he met when he was eleven and met again when he was twenty-four. Danneel’s a pretty little brunette who dyes her hair red and always wears it high into a ponytail with swing curls. Any day now she’s going to give birth to Jensen’s first child. They don’t know what they’re having yet, but Jensen tells Jared that he hopes it’s a boy because he doesn’t think he can handle having to worry about a teenage daughter and all of the things teenage boys would try to do to her.
“Yeah, she’s still sleep,” Jensen says driving past his house.
“How do you know?”
“Because the porch light is still on. She only turns it off in the morning when she wakes up.”
“You ever wonder if things could have been different?” Jared says lowering his eyes away from Jensen’s and gazing out of the window. He watches as they drive past all of the neat and safe suburban homes, down Miller’s Way, down past the creek on Fremont and the park near Becker Elementary.
“Shit Birdie you know I do. For five years I’ve wondered about it.”
“I wish I could take it all back.”
“Why are we dwelling on it? You know this can’t happen again Birdie, you know this. I mean last night and this morning it was…it was incredible. It was like I was eighteen and not afraid of the world again, but I’m almost thirty now and I’m settled with Danny, and you have your family. We can’t just go running around necking like a bunch of silly kids again whenever we get an urge that’s too strong. I just can’t do that.” The flicker of a flame from a lighter sparks, a moment later the cool sweet-cedar scent of a Swisher Sweet Cigarillo floods the pick-up. Jared closes his eyes and inhales, remembers being seventeen and sneaking into Jensen’s dorm room, remembers being eighteen and growing his hair out long and having Jensen chase him around his living room with scissors begging him to just trim the ends a little. He remembers the summer he watched Chad marry his high school sweetheart Sophia, the beautiful brunette who was homecoming queen, the girl with the pretty smile and the dimples that everyone said reminded them of Jared’s. Chad and Sophia moved to Virginia a few years ago because her daddy owns some company where they make farm machinery, got Chad a real nice job over there in Richmond. It’s been ages since Jared’s spoken to him and sometimes he wonders how Chad’s doing, wonders if he’s happy or if Charlene finally got the divorce she used to always talk about getting. She only lives three towns over, but Kirby, Texas mine as well be another piece of the world and nowadays Charlene is like a stranger. Jared hasn’t spoken to her in a good long while, but if they run into each other they’re friendly enough to exchange a few words. She has four sons all crazy, pinched faced loud little brown-haired things who look just like their father.
“I shouldn’t have been like that. I should have believed you.”
“Well you didn’t now did you?” Anger suddenly clips Jensen’s tone. “No, you didn’t.”
“What was I supposed to think? I walk into your apartment and I see him ON you!”
“I know what it looked like, but goddamn it Jared you didn’t even let me explain things! You just assumed that I’d fucking just; just, just fucking cheat on you and with Chris? Of all people you knew how I felt about my situation with that guy and you didn’t even….FUCK, FUCK, F UCK!” Jensen slams his hands down on the steering wheel, punches a fist on the dashboard and curses Jared to hell for bringing back all of his old feelings, drudging up the past and awakening old, long ago buried emotions.
Jared tries not to replay that scene. He tries not to think back to that time, pull up that memory, but try as he might he can’t stop himself. He was twenty and jealous, and insecure, and stupid and automatically assumed the worse in someone he should have thought the best of.
“You weren’t supposed to think anything.”
“Oh bullshit,” Jared fires back angrily. “If you had seen me with somebody else -somebody I had a past with and we were going on like you and Chris were you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have thought something!”
“The difference between you and I Jared,” Jensen starts calmly, “is that I would have never thought you would have cheated. You could be in the middle of fucking some whore and I still wouldn’t automatically assume that you were cheating on me. No, I’d think ‘I must be seeing something that’s not here’. I’d think: Wait, let me ask the man that I’ve been fucking in love with since I was a goddamn kid just what the hell is going on! I wouldn’t just fucking hit you! I wouldn’t trash your goddamn apartment! I wouldn’t call up your family and tell them that you’re a fucking queer!”
“What? What the hell are you talking about? I never called your family?”
“Yeah right!” Jensen huffs. “Don’t lie to me Jared! Don’t you dare lie to me!”
“Jensen look at me. Seriously, look at me.” Jared’s voice is warm and for the briefest of moments Jensen turns to look at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Yeah I was an asshole, I was a mother fucking idiot to do those things, but I was hurt, I was angry and sad. I thought you had cheated on me with Chris, but I never called your family and said those things. After we got into that fight that night I went back to San Antonio to forget about you.”
“You’re serious aren’t you? You didn’t call Paul and tell him about me, did you?”
“No, why would I do that?” Hurt edges its way into Jared’s voice. “You thought I would do something like that to you?”
“I…I…” Jensen pauses, stumbles to try and find the right words. “I did. You were just so angry and you thought I fucked Chris and when Paul called me the next day saying he was going to pray for me and that I needed to ‘come home’ and get away from the sins of the big city I just thought…I thought you had told him and then Chris said you were probably trying to get revenge and it all just made sense.”
“No, what makes sense is that Chris-fucking-Kane was there during that whole fight and that he called your fucking uncle just to make me look bad. That guy was always trying to come between us Jensen, always.”
“Yeah and you let him,” Jensen shoots back angrily. “It doesn’t matter much now anyway, does it? The past is the past. Let it stay there.”
“But I can’t. I fucking can’t. When I saw you that day at Pearl's, after all of that time it was like everything just came back to me. You looked the same, you stood the same, hell you even laughed the same and then we both wind up here in the same town at the same job. This is real Jensen, it's real!”
“Jared don’t. Please?”
“No! Stop telling me that we can’t make it work because we can this time! We can! We’re older, wiser and we can Jensen, we can!” Jared’s voice teeters with emotions of desire and regret. So many years have been wasted, so many roads not travelled. He knows it’s not too late to make things right. He knows they can make it work, if only Jensen would just believe him and believe in them.
“Look around Birdie! Look around you! You and me can’t work!” Jensen yells waving his hand wildly between him and Jared, “It just won’t!”
“Jensen-”
“God damn it Birdie! You think I wanted to give you up back then? Do you think I want to give you up now? I didn’t and I don’t, but I know it’s for the best. Do you know what would happen to us if people found out? We’d lose our families, we’d lose our careers and we might even lose our lives. Are you willing to risk that? Risk everything all because of this thing we got between us?”
“Yes! If I am then why aren’t you?” Jared’s voice rises with conviction. “You used to be the one who told me that there was nothing wrong with us, that love is love and it doesn’t matter where it comes from. Do you remember that?”
“I was an idealistic kid. What the fuck did I know? Huh? Nothing! I was a stupid kid who thought with my heart and my dick instead of my brain!”
“Do you really mean that?”
“Birdie I-”
“Tell me the truth? Did I mean anything to you? Did we mean anything to each other? I’ve never lied to you so don’t fucking lie to me!” Jared can feel hot, angry tears slide down his face. He feels childish and a little embarrassed, but he pushes past that and squeezes Jensen’s hand in his as they pull into the driveway.
“Wipe your face off,” Jensen says in way of an answer. His voice carries a distance, sadness. “Your wife’s waiting for you by the window Jared.”
Jensen pulls his hand away.
+ + +
The sounds of the waves crashing against rocks lulled Jared to some quiet place. He stood at the edge of the cliff watching as the water washed the rocks clean. He inhaled the clean, fresh scent of summer, held that delicious taste on his tongue and laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Jensen asked slinking his arms around Jared’s waist.
“Nothing,” he laughed again.
“Happy birthday.”
“Three more hours and I’ll officially be eighteen.”
“Yeah,” Jensen murmured against his neck. “I wanna fuck you so bad.”
“When everybody goes to sleep, come into my room,” Jared replied taking advantage of their closeness. He gave Jensen a quick and sweet kiss that left them both longing for something deeper, something to last just a little bit longer.
“You like it here?”
“Yeah it’s nice.”
“I thought you would. I like how hidden everything is. Someone at church told Paul about the bluffs.”
“It’s real nice up here. It almost feels like we’re somewhere far, you know what I mean? Like we have our own world or something.” There’s a sense of wonder in Jared’s tone that makes Jensen grin.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. God, I can’t wait till you start school and I can see you every day.”
“I can’t believe I turned down a scholarship to UT. I think my dad still wants to kill me.”
“Being an Aggie is going to be so much more rewarding than being a ‘Long Horn’.”
“Well yeah,” Jared mumbled kissing Jensen again. “Some things are more rewarding.”
Jensen ran his hand through Jared’s hair and smiled. “How’d I get so lucky?”
“You just like my car.”
+ + +
Sandy is a beautiful girl. She has long, dark hair and big dark eyes. She has a kind smile and when she speaks it’s with a soft clarity that compels you to listen. She runs out of the front door as soon as she sees Jared get out of Jensen’s truck and she’s in his arms before he can blink.
“Oh baby! I thought something happened to you! I was up all night so worried!”
“I’m sorry,” Jared mumbles kissing the top of her head and holding her as close as he can without suffocating them both. His eyes lock on Jensen’s and they stare at each other for a moment that passes by too slowly before Jensen shifts his eyes away and begins backing his truck out of the driveway. It takes all of Jared’s self control not to pull away from Sandy, not to call out to Jensen, jump on the bed of the truck and stop him from leaving like Jensen never stopped him from doing all those years ago.
He watches the dust that Jensen’s tires kick up, all gold-brown particles rising aimlessly in the air, swimming with the wind. Jared feels something close up inside of him. He tries holding Sandy a little tighter hoping that she can make the ache in his chest go away, but then Jensen’s truck disappears into the horizon and that ache begins to throb.
+ + +
Jared came to him in the dark. He came to him in tears, body sore, eyes swollen and red.
“They found Jeff’s remains.” He said and then he broke down, collapsed on the floor of Jensen’s living room.
Jensen curled up beside him lying flatly against a throw rug. He ran his hand through Jared’s rain soaked hair, pulled him close and allowed him to spill a million tears bred from a million different emotions. Jeff Padalecki had been missing for almost two years. Everyone knew that he was dead. Jared’s mother had said she could feel that her first born son was gone, but now they had that final confirmation. There was solid evidence; a dog tag and a few bones found in a shallow grave in North Vietnam.
“It’s okay baby, its okay. Let it out.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“And you’re not supposed to.”
“I gotta go back home. I gotta go be there for my mom and my sister and my dad. Shit, I gotta go. I can’t be here! I gotta get to the train station!”
“No,” Jensen stated tenderly pulling Jared closer in his arms. “You don’t have to do anything right now except stay here. I’ll take a few days off of work and we’ll hit the road in the morning.”
“Never leave me.” Jared sniffled, wiped at his eyes and nuzzled his face into Jensen’s neck.
“I’m right here Birdie, right here.”
+ + +
The questions come out of Sandy’s mouth a mile a minute. Where were you? Why didn’t you call? Why were you with Jensen? I thought you hated your cousin? And for every question Sandy asks, Jared tries his best to come up with a plausible explanation. We were working on a case. You know I can’t tell you about it; that information is privileged. I couldn’t get to a pay phone. We had to partner up because of the sensitive nature of the case. I don’t hate him, I never said that. Then Julia and Susan begin to cry and whatever other questions Sandy may have had becomes forgotten as she tends to her two-year old twins.
He met her in a bar. There’s a saying that if a man is looking for a good girl he’s not going to find her in a bar, but Jared did. Sandy was twenty-four and a dancer, but she mixed drinks to pay the bills. Jared was twenty-one and lonely. They didn’t fall in love at first sight, but they liked being around each other. Jared was smart, had graduated college early. His degree was in engineering, but he told Sandy that he wanted to become a Texas Ranger, thought of that as a way to honor his brother’s memory. She told him about her parents and younger brother, how they died in a car accident when she was twelve. When she spoke about the accident there was sadness in her eyes that Jared had the urge to kiss away. So he did and he married Sandy within months of meeting her.
There is no such thing as a perfect wife, a perfect family and a perfect life. Perfection is a comfort to a fool. Jared knows this first hand. There are problems in his marriage because Sandy likes to drink and Jared’s never been much of a whiskey man. She is sweet and doesn’t have mean bone in her body and that’s where the problems begin. She can’t stand conflict and hates confrontation so she never stands up for herself. She’s a people pleaser that wants everyone to like her and it drives Jared insane.
“Bill called,” she says bringing Jared a cup of coffee. She looks at him as if waiting for him to speak. Jared doesn’t. “He wanted to see if you were feeling better.”
“You don’t say.” Jared mumbles as he stares idly at the television.
“He said you took most of yesterday off and that you called out today.” There’s a nervous pitch in her voice that makes Jared’s stomach clench. “I thought you said you were working a case.”
“I was.” he answers quickly averting his eyes away from the television. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
There is suspicion in her eyes. “Did you spend the whole night with Jensen?”
“We were working.”
“But Bill said you and Jensen told him that you had a family emergency and left early.”
“Sandy I…” There are no lies to tell. Jared doesn’t have the energy to think on his toes so he opts for silence.
“Are you cheating on me? Is there another woman?” Sandy is in tears and she stares at him silently begging him for nothing short of the truth.
“There is no other woman,” he replies honestly and it’s like a switch has been flipped because Sandy’s lips curl into a relieved smile and she wipes at her eyes.
“I can cook you a roast or a steak for dinner if you want that.” Her desire to please is overwhelming and it makes Jared want to leave the room, but he doesn’t. He sits in his chair and tells her that roast is just fine. Together they watch Matlock.
* * *
Across town in a pretty house, on a pretty street Jensen lays in bed. He listens to Danny sleep soundly beside him; her soft snores punctuate the silence of the bedroom. He places his hands on her round stomach and smiles softly when he feels his baby move around inside of her. He thinks that if she has a boy he’s going to name his son Alan after his late father, but if it’s a girl he’ll let Danneel pick the name.
He is in love with his wife. She is beautiful and smart. She is funny and has a keen wit that dazzles. If there was any woman out there who could take him and make her love him, it was her.
Jensen’s thoughts drift toward Jared. He thinks about how wide and strong his hands feel and how demanding his touch is, how every stroke of his fingers and caress of his palms makes Jensen feel completely owned. He thinks about how Jared’s nose crinkles when he laughs and the desire to see Jared in this state becomes so overwhelming that Jensen finds himself getting out of bed and putting his shoes on before he even realizes that he’s walking out of the door. He just needs to take a walk.
The last five years without Jared have been hard, but not unbearable. Jensen’s life has been as normal as it’s ever been. He first met his wife in the sixth grade. Danneel was the pretty girl who lived next door, the girl who took his virginity and moved away just before middle school ended. She’s the girl who attended Sunday worship at Christian Faith some odd years later where Reverend Paul Ackles and his loving wife Pearl preceded over the congregation every Wednesday evening and Sunday morning. Never once had she thought that Paul and Jensen were related despite their uncommon last name until Jensen walked through the steeple doors and back into her life. That was three years ago and in a few more weeks they will have been married for one full year.
The night is warm and clean. The sky is clear and as dark as onyx. Grasshoppers sing their nighttime anthems. The air smells of summer heat and grass, a familiar scent that fills Jensen with the aching sense of nostalgia. For a little while he’s a boy of nine racing Billy Michael’s down Freely Drive on his ten-speed. He is eleven and catching Fireflies with his hands and pulling out their glows and sealing the cold lights in glass jars. He is eighteen and smoking a cigarillo in some stranger’s backyard staring at the thirteen year old boy whose house he is in, and who is almost as tall as him, but hunches his shoulders as if he longs to be a smaller person. The first time that he saw Jared, Jensen felt something. It didn’t matter that Jared was just a kid, Jensen felt something there. It wasn’t love or desire or any other romantic notion, it was just something, a connection, a feeling that Jared was meant to be in his life and that he was meant to be in his.
Jensen walks and walks. He leaves the safety of his neighborhood. He walks where the houses begin to look less neat, to where the lawns are overgrown and there is little quiet. He finds himself walking down Jared’s street and toward his house where he is not surprised to find him sitting on the steps of his front porch, a lit Swisher Sweet held firmly between two fingers. Jared doesn’t see Jensen approach. It’s like his mind is elsewhere and he only becomes aware of Jensen’s presence once he speaks.
“You don’t smoke,” he says and Jared looks up. His eyes shine with hope and his shoulders sag as if a weight has been lifted. He smiles.
“I just like the smell.”
Jensen sits beside him and struggles to find the right kind of words to say. There are wrong words that he knows he can say, but he wants to find the right ones only he can’t. He stares down at his hands and breathes and taps his foot nervously on Jared’s step. “I love my wife.”
“I love my girls.” Jared’s voice fades into the night like a ghost.
“I can’t leave Danny.” Jensen reaches up and gently pulls Jared’s hand toward his mouth. He wraps his lips around the cigarillo and inhales, his eyes quickly darting to Jared before looking away.
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Well what exactly are you asking for then?” Jensen’s voice rises.
“Jesus Jensen you know what I want. I want you.”
“I just…fuck Birdie. I don’t think I can do this…” Jensen trails off. Jared stands. He clasps his fingers around Jensen’s wrist and leads him to the side of his house where the shadows provide seclusion. It’s like arithmetic and when their mouths meet it’s a numbers game where one plus one equals two and it’s rushed, angry kissing. There’s a violent need in Jensen’s touch, the way he grabs at Jared’s face, the way his fingers run through Jared’s hair is only rivaled in need by the desperate grip of Jared’s hands on Jensen’s face. They kiss until their mouths feel raw, lips bruised and tender.
“Yes you can. We can do this,” Jared whispers holding Jensen’s face in his hands searching through the darkness for the admittance of truth. “Tell me that we can’t and I swear I’ll leave you alone, but you gotta tell me first.”
Jensen closes his eyes and breathes heavily. He remains silent and silence is everything.
EPILOGUE
Today Alan Ackles turns five. He is the spitting image of his father at that age with a shock of honey-blond hair, big green eyes and full pink lips. He’s a little terror running around The Padalecki’s backyard chasing the twins around.
“Oh my gosh! He’s such a handful!” Sandy exclaims resting her hands across her stomach.
“Tell me about it,” Danneel sighs fanning herself. “You’re lucky all you have are girls because between Alan and J.R. it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone gray yet.”
“Jared thinks this one is a boy, but I can feel it’s gonna be another girl.” Sandy smiles watching as the twins out run Alan. “Girls, slow down before you fall and break something!”
“Alan you stop chasing your cousins around!” Danneel fusses chasing after her eldest son while holding her youngest in her arms.
Jared flips burgers on the grill. He sips from his beer and smiles as he listens to Jensen go on and on to Barry and Steve about how there is no way that America will elect Michael Dukakis over George Bush as president next year. Politics has never been something that has interested Jared, but over the last few months that is all that Jensen seems to be able to talk about. In the fall he plans on running for mayor and Jared just has this feeling that Jensen’s going to win. He’s charismatic, great with speeches and has a background in law enforcement. He’s a shoo-in.
After the cake has been cut and the presents are all opened Jared and Jensen make it their business to clean up. Jared tells Sandy that she should take the girls next door to Jensen and Danneel’s so that he and Jensen can get things spotless and with a smile she leans on her toes, kisses her husband goodbye and follows Danneel to her house.
Once the back gate closes Jared has his hand down the front of Jensen’s pants and mouth against his neck.
“Damn it Birdie,” Jensen hisses pulling Jared inside of the house, closing the door behind him. “You’ve been cock-teasing all afternoon.”
“Consider it payback for last night.” Jared presses Jensen against the wall of his living room and wastes no time pulling his belt off. He drops to his knees and takes Jensen into his mouth until Jensen pants, clenches his fingers through Jared’s hair and threatens to cum if he doesn’t ease up.
“Wanna fuck ya Birdie,” he whispers. “Wanna be inside you.”
Jensen falls to the floor with Jared. It’s a rush of limbs and pulling of belts. Jared’s elbows dig into the carpet as Jensen flips him on his back and instructs Jared to open his legs. Jensen licks his finger and presses it inside of Jared curling and flexing the digit inside of him until Jared starts to tighten around his index.
When Jensen pushes his cock inside of Jared they both shiver. Jensen takes Jared’s leg in his hand and holds it up in the air as he pushes inside of him. They’re not making love because right now they both want to hurry up and get off. Right now they are fucking. It’s hot and dirty and rough and when Jensen says that he’s about to cum Jared tells him that he wants to taste it.
In the afterglow Jensen lays his head on Jared’s chest and exhales. Jared wraps his arms around him and holds him close placing a tender kiss on the side of his neck. It’s like they are the only two people in the world who exist and it’s these moments that matter because they feel whole, complete and real. They live two half-lives apart and one real life together. It’s not perfect, but it’s what they have and they’ll take it and hold on to it because it’s worth something.
/End
FEEDBACK IS LOVELY :)
[Complete Fic List] Updates @
maddys_slash
Author:
apostrophee archived @
maddys_slash
Word Count: 28,070
Paring: Jared/Jensen main focus; mild experimental underage Chad/Jared; brief Jensen/Chris Kane
Rating/ Genre: NC-17 for explicit sexual situation; AU angst, romance
Summary: With every passing summer, another lesson is learned. The summer of ‘74 was supposed to be the summer of love, but with his brother off at the war, it was hard for Jared to see an upside to life. That is until he meets his new step-cousin Jensen, the jaded nephew of a preacher who through the course of seven summers teaches him things to last a lifetime.
AN: Based from an original idea by
laugiana This is a reworked and completed version of the story originally posted, and never finished, from September 2007 - February 2008. To those who read the original version, you can pick things up in here in part four which is the official ending. Special thank you to
vunadiwai for editing the first half of the original version as well as supplying gorgeous artwork and to
crazyjoyfulgirl for general awesomeness.
[Part One] [Part Two] [Part Three]
&&&
Taking time to make time,
Telling me that he’s all mine…
The feel of his hands, the feel of Jared’s wide, strong hands flexing around his cock makes Jensen dizzy and he blinks back something that feels dangerously close to tears. He can’t think straight, nearly comes off of the bed when he feels Jared’s tongue slick, warm and rough flickering across the tip of his dick. One last time Jensen tells himself. This is the last goodbye we’re going to say.
They check out of the motel just before noon. They are like soldiers emerging from some unknown war, bodies’ sore and scarred, causalities of each other. The front desk clerk gives them a curiously scornful look as if he is very much aware of what Jared and Jensen have spent the last fifteen hours doing and he’s judging them, holding them in a court of revulsion, but is wise enough to keep these thoughts to himself. He knows what they are. He can see the Texas Ranger badges proudly on display across their chests and he’s not trying to ruffle any feathers.
The ride back into town is somber. The weight of reality hangs in the air, suspended above the roof of the truck like a rain cloud as Jensen turns onto his street. Jensen’s house sits pretty and pristine painted a perfect shade of white. He’s been married for two years now to a girl he met when he was eleven and met again when he was twenty-four. Danneel’s a pretty little brunette who dyes her hair red and always wears it high into a ponytail with swing curls. Any day now she’s going to give birth to Jensen’s first child. They don’t know what they’re having yet, but Jensen tells Jared that he hopes it’s a boy because he doesn’t think he can handle having to worry about a teenage daughter and all of the things teenage boys would try to do to her.
“Yeah, she’s still sleep,” Jensen says driving past his house.
“How do you know?”
“Because the porch light is still on. She only turns it off in the morning when she wakes up.”
“You ever wonder if things could have been different?” Jared says lowering his eyes away from Jensen’s and gazing out of the window. He watches as they drive past all of the neat and safe suburban homes, down Miller’s Way, down past the creek on Fremont and the park near Becker Elementary.
“Shit Birdie you know I do. For five years I’ve wondered about it.”
“I wish I could take it all back.”
“Why are we dwelling on it? You know this can’t happen again Birdie, you know this. I mean last night and this morning it was…it was incredible. It was like I was eighteen and not afraid of the world again, but I’m almost thirty now and I’m settled with Danny, and you have your family. We can’t just go running around necking like a bunch of silly kids again whenever we get an urge that’s too strong. I just can’t do that.” The flicker of a flame from a lighter sparks, a moment later the cool sweet-cedar scent of a Swisher Sweet Cigarillo floods the pick-up. Jared closes his eyes and inhales, remembers being seventeen and sneaking into Jensen’s dorm room, remembers being eighteen and growing his hair out long and having Jensen chase him around his living room with scissors begging him to just trim the ends a little. He remembers the summer he watched Chad marry his high school sweetheart Sophia, the beautiful brunette who was homecoming queen, the girl with the pretty smile and the dimples that everyone said reminded them of Jared’s. Chad and Sophia moved to Virginia a few years ago because her daddy owns some company where they make farm machinery, got Chad a real nice job over there in Richmond. It’s been ages since Jared’s spoken to him and sometimes he wonders how Chad’s doing, wonders if he’s happy or if Charlene finally got the divorce she used to always talk about getting. She only lives three towns over, but Kirby, Texas mine as well be another piece of the world and nowadays Charlene is like a stranger. Jared hasn’t spoken to her in a good long while, but if they run into each other they’re friendly enough to exchange a few words. She has four sons all crazy, pinched faced loud little brown-haired things who look just like their father.
“I shouldn’t have been like that. I should have believed you.”
“Well you didn’t now did you?” Anger suddenly clips Jensen’s tone. “No, you didn’t.”
“What was I supposed to think? I walk into your apartment and I see him ON you!”
“I know what it looked like, but goddamn it Jared you didn’t even let me explain things! You just assumed that I’d fucking just; just, just fucking cheat on you and with Chris? Of all people you knew how I felt about my situation with that guy and you didn’t even….FUCK, FUCK, F UCK!” Jensen slams his hands down on the steering wheel, punches a fist on the dashboard and curses Jared to hell for bringing back all of his old feelings, drudging up the past and awakening old, long ago buried emotions.
Jared tries not to replay that scene. He tries not to think back to that time, pull up that memory, but try as he might he can’t stop himself. He was twenty and jealous, and insecure, and stupid and automatically assumed the worse in someone he should have thought the best of.
“You weren’t supposed to think anything.”
“Oh bullshit,” Jared fires back angrily. “If you had seen me with somebody else -somebody I had a past with and we were going on like you and Chris were you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have thought something!”
“The difference between you and I Jared,” Jensen starts calmly, “is that I would have never thought you would have cheated. You could be in the middle of fucking some whore and I still wouldn’t automatically assume that you were cheating on me. No, I’d think ‘I must be seeing something that’s not here’. I’d think: Wait, let me ask the man that I’ve been fucking in love with since I was a goddamn kid just what the hell is going on! I wouldn’t just fucking hit you! I wouldn’t trash your goddamn apartment! I wouldn’t call up your family and tell them that you’re a fucking queer!”
“What? What the hell are you talking about? I never called your family?”
“Yeah right!” Jensen huffs. “Don’t lie to me Jared! Don’t you dare lie to me!”
“Jensen look at me. Seriously, look at me.” Jared’s voice is warm and for the briefest of moments Jensen turns to look at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Yeah I was an asshole, I was a mother fucking idiot to do those things, but I was hurt, I was angry and sad. I thought you had cheated on me with Chris, but I never called your family and said those things. After we got into that fight that night I went back to San Antonio to forget about you.”
“You’re serious aren’t you? You didn’t call Paul and tell him about me, did you?”
“No, why would I do that?” Hurt edges its way into Jared’s voice. “You thought I would do something like that to you?”
“I…I…” Jensen pauses, stumbles to try and find the right words. “I did. You were just so angry and you thought I fucked Chris and when Paul called me the next day saying he was going to pray for me and that I needed to ‘come home’ and get away from the sins of the big city I just thought…I thought you had told him and then Chris said you were probably trying to get revenge and it all just made sense.”
“No, what makes sense is that Chris-fucking-Kane was there during that whole fight and that he called your fucking uncle just to make me look bad. That guy was always trying to come between us Jensen, always.”
“Yeah and you let him,” Jensen shoots back angrily. “It doesn’t matter much now anyway, does it? The past is the past. Let it stay there.”
“But I can’t. I fucking can’t. When I saw you that day at Pearl's, after all of that time it was like everything just came back to me. You looked the same, you stood the same, hell you even laughed the same and then we both wind up here in the same town at the same job. This is real Jensen, it's real!”
“Jared don’t. Please?”
“No! Stop telling me that we can’t make it work because we can this time! We can! We’re older, wiser and we can Jensen, we can!” Jared’s voice teeters with emotions of desire and regret. So many years have been wasted, so many roads not travelled. He knows it’s not too late to make things right. He knows they can make it work, if only Jensen would just believe him and believe in them.
“Look around Birdie! Look around you! You and me can’t work!” Jensen yells waving his hand wildly between him and Jared, “It just won’t!”
“Jensen-”
“God damn it Birdie! You think I wanted to give you up back then? Do you think I want to give you up now? I didn’t and I don’t, but I know it’s for the best. Do you know what would happen to us if people found out? We’d lose our families, we’d lose our careers and we might even lose our lives. Are you willing to risk that? Risk everything all because of this thing we got between us?”
“Yes! If I am then why aren’t you?” Jared’s voice rises with conviction. “You used to be the one who told me that there was nothing wrong with us, that love is love and it doesn’t matter where it comes from. Do you remember that?”
“I was an idealistic kid. What the fuck did I know? Huh? Nothing! I was a stupid kid who thought with my heart and my dick instead of my brain!”
“Do you really mean that?”
“Birdie I-”
“Tell me the truth? Did I mean anything to you? Did we mean anything to each other? I’ve never lied to you so don’t fucking lie to me!” Jared can feel hot, angry tears slide down his face. He feels childish and a little embarrassed, but he pushes past that and squeezes Jensen’s hand in his as they pull into the driveway.
“Wipe your face off,” Jensen says in way of an answer. His voice carries a distance, sadness. “Your wife’s waiting for you by the window Jared.”
Jensen pulls his hand away.
+ + +
The sounds of the waves crashing against rocks lulled Jared to some quiet place. He stood at the edge of the cliff watching as the water washed the rocks clean. He inhaled the clean, fresh scent of summer, held that delicious taste on his tongue and laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Jensen asked slinking his arms around Jared’s waist.
“Nothing,” he laughed again.
“Happy birthday.”
“Three more hours and I’ll officially be eighteen.”
“Yeah,” Jensen murmured against his neck. “I wanna fuck you so bad.”
“When everybody goes to sleep, come into my room,” Jared replied taking advantage of their closeness. He gave Jensen a quick and sweet kiss that left them both longing for something deeper, something to last just a little bit longer.
“You like it here?”
“Yeah it’s nice.”
“I thought you would. I like how hidden everything is. Someone at church told Paul about the bluffs.”
“It’s real nice up here. It almost feels like we’re somewhere far, you know what I mean? Like we have our own world or something.” There’s a sense of wonder in Jared’s tone that makes Jensen grin.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. God, I can’t wait till you start school and I can see you every day.”
“I can’t believe I turned down a scholarship to UT. I think my dad still wants to kill me.”
“Being an Aggie is going to be so much more rewarding than being a ‘Long Horn’.”
“Well yeah,” Jared mumbled kissing Jensen again. “Some things are more rewarding.”
Jensen ran his hand through Jared’s hair and smiled. “How’d I get so lucky?”
“You just like my car.”
+ + +
Sandy is a beautiful girl. She has long, dark hair and big dark eyes. She has a kind smile and when she speaks it’s with a soft clarity that compels you to listen. She runs out of the front door as soon as she sees Jared get out of Jensen’s truck and she’s in his arms before he can blink.
“Oh baby! I thought something happened to you! I was up all night so worried!”
“I’m sorry,” Jared mumbles kissing the top of her head and holding her as close as he can without suffocating them both. His eyes lock on Jensen’s and they stare at each other for a moment that passes by too slowly before Jensen shifts his eyes away and begins backing his truck out of the driveway. It takes all of Jared’s self control not to pull away from Sandy, not to call out to Jensen, jump on the bed of the truck and stop him from leaving like Jensen never stopped him from doing all those years ago.
He watches the dust that Jensen’s tires kick up, all gold-brown particles rising aimlessly in the air, swimming with the wind. Jared feels something close up inside of him. He tries holding Sandy a little tighter hoping that she can make the ache in his chest go away, but then Jensen’s truck disappears into the horizon and that ache begins to throb.
+ + +
Jared came to him in the dark. He came to him in tears, body sore, eyes swollen and red.
“They found Jeff’s remains.” He said and then he broke down, collapsed on the floor of Jensen’s living room.
Jensen curled up beside him lying flatly against a throw rug. He ran his hand through Jared’s rain soaked hair, pulled him close and allowed him to spill a million tears bred from a million different emotions. Jeff Padalecki had been missing for almost two years. Everyone knew that he was dead. Jared’s mother had said she could feel that her first born son was gone, but now they had that final confirmation. There was solid evidence; a dog tag and a few bones found in a shallow grave in North Vietnam.
“It’s okay baby, its okay. Let it out.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“And you’re not supposed to.”
“I gotta go back home. I gotta go be there for my mom and my sister and my dad. Shit, I gotta go. I can’t be here! I gotta get to the train station!”
“No,” Jensen stated tenderly pulling Jared closer in his arms. “You don’t have to do anything right now except stay here. I’ll take a few days off of work and we’ll hit the road in the morning.”
“Never leave me.” Jared sniffled, wiped at his eyes and nuzzled his face into Jensen’s neck.
“I’m right here Birdie, right here.”
+ + +
The questions come out of Sandy’s mouth a mile a minute. Where were you? Why didn’t you call? Why were you with Jensen? I thought you hated your cousin? And for every question Sandy asks, Jared tries his best to come up with a plausible explanation. We were working on a case. You know I can’t tell you about it; that information is privileged. I couldn’t get to a pay phone. We had to partner up because of the sensitive nature of the case. I don’t hate him, I never said that. Then Julia and Susan begin to cry and whatever other questions Sandy may have had becomes forgotten as she tends to her two-year old twins.
He met her in a bar. There’s a saying that if a man is looking for a good girl he’s not going to find her in a bar, but Jared did. Sandy was twenty-four and a dancer, but she mixed drinks to pay the bills. Jared was twenty-one and lonely. They didn’t fall in love at first sight, but they liked being around each other. Jared was smart, had graduated college early. His degree was in engineering, but he told Sandy that he wanted to become a Texas Ranger, thought of that as a way to honor his brother’s memory. She told him about her parents and younger brother, how they died in a car accident when she was twelve. When she spoke about the accident there was sadness in her eyes that Jared had the urge to kiss away. So he did and he married Sandy within months of meeting her.
There is no such thing as a perfect wife, a perfect family and a perfect life. Perfection is a comfort to a fool. Jared knows this first hand. There are problems in his marriage because Sandy likes to drink and Jared’s never been much of a whiskey man. She is sweet and doesn’t have mean bone in her body and that’s where the problems begin. She can’t stand conflict and hates confrontation so she never stands up for herself. She’s a people pleaser that wants everyone to like her and it drives Jared insane.
“Bill called,” she says bringing Jared a cup of coffee. She looks at him as if waiting for him to speak. Jared doesn’t. “He wanted to see if you were feeling better.”
“You don’t say.” Jared mumbles as he stares idly at the television.
“He said you took most of yesterday off and that you called out today.” There’s a nervous pitch in her voice that makes Jared’s stomach clench. “I thought you said you were working a case.”
“I was.” he answers quickly averting his eyes away from the television. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
There is suspicion in her eyes. “Did you spend the whole night with Jensen?”
“We were working.”
“But Bill said you and Jensen told him that you had a family emergency and left early.”
“Sandy I…” There are no lies to tell. Jared doesn’t have the energy to think on his toes so he opts for silence.
“Are you cheating on me? Is there another woman?” Sandy is in tears and she stares at him silently begging him for nothing short of the truth.
“There is no other woman,” he replies honestly and it’s like a switch has been flipped because Sandy’s lips curl into a relieved smile and she wipes at her eyes.
“I can cook you a roast or a steak for dinner if you want that.” Her desire to please is overwhelming and it makes Jared want to leave the room, but he doesn’t. He sits in his chair and tells her that roast is just fine. Together they watch Matlock.
* * *
Across town in a pretty house, on a pretty street Jensen lays in bed. He listens to Danny sleep soundly beside him; her soft snores punctuate the silence of the bedroom. He places his hands on her round stomach and smiles softly when he feels his baby move around inside of her. He thinks that if she has a boy he’s going to name his son Alan after his late father, but if it’s a girl he’ll let Danneel pick the name.
He is in love with his wife. She is beautiful and smart. She is funny and has a keen wit that dazzles. If there was any woman out there who could take him and make her love him, it was her.
Jensen’s thoughts drift toward Jared. He thinks about how wide and strong his hands feel and how demanding his touch is, how every stroke of his fingers and caress of his palms makes Jensen feel completely owned. He thinks about how Jared’s nose crinkles when he laughs and the desire to see Jared in this state becomes so overwhelming that Jensen finds himself getting out of bed and putting his shoes on before he even realizes that he’s walking out of the door. He just needs to take a walk.
The last five years without Jared have been hard, but not unbearable. Jensen’s life has been as normal as it’s ever been. He first met his wife in the sixth grade. Danneel was the pretty girl who lived next door, the girl who took his virginity and moved away just before middle school ended. She’s the girl who attended Sunday worship at Christian Faith some odd years later where Reverend Paul Ackles and his loving wife Pearl preceded over the congregation every Wednesday evening and Sunday morning. Never once had she thought that Paul and Jensen were related despite their uncommon last name until Jensen walked through the steeple doors and back into her life. That was three years ago and in a few more weeks they will have been married for one full year.
The night is warm and clean. The sky is clear and as dark as onyx. Grasshoppers sing their nighttime anthems. The air smells of summer heat and grass, a familiar scent that fills Jensen with the aching sense of nostalgia. For a little while he’s a boy of nine racing Billy Michael’s down Freely Drive on his ten-speed. He is eleven and catching Fireflies with his hands and pulling out their glows and sealing the cold lights in glass jars. He is eighteen and smoking a cigarillo in some stranger’s backyard staring at the thirteen year old boy whose house he is in, and who is almost as tall as him, but hunches his shoulders as if he longs to be a smaller person. The first time that he saw Jared, Jensen felt something. It didn’t matter that Jared was just a kid, Jensen felt something there. It wasn’t love or desire or any other romantic notion, it was just something, a connection, a feeling that Jared was meant to be in his life and that he was meant to be in his.
Jensen walks and walks. He leaves the safety of his neighborhood. He walks where the houses begin to look less neat, to where the lawns are overgrown and there is little quiet. He finds himself walking down Jared’s street and toward his house where he is not surprised to find him sitting on the steps of his front porch, a lit Swisher Sweet held firmly between two fingers. Jared doesn’t see Jensen approach. It’s like his mind is elsewhere and he only becomes aware of Jensen’s presence once he speaks.
“You don’t smoke,” he says and Jared looks up. His eyes shine with hope and his shoulders sag as if a weight has been lifted. He smiles.
“I just like the smell.”
Jensen sits beside him and struggles to find the right kind of words to say. There are wrong words that he knows he can say, but he wants to find the right ones only he can’t. He stares down at his hands and breathes and taps his foot nervously on Jared’s step. “I love my wife.”
“I love my girls.” Jared’s voice fades into the night like a ghost.
“I can’t leave Danny.” Jensen reaches up and gently pulls Jared’s hand toward his mouth. He wraps his lips around the cigarillo and inhales, his eyes quickly darting to Jared before looking away.
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Well what exactly are you asking for then?” Jensen’s voice rises.
“Jesus Jensen you know what I want. I want you.”
“I just…fuck Birdie. I don’t think I can do this…” Jensen trails off. Jared stands. He clasps his fingers around Jensen’s wrist and leads him to the side of his house where the shadows provide seclusion. It’s like arithmetic and when their mouths meet it’s a numbers game where one plus one equals two and it’s rushed, angry kissing. There’s a violent need in Jensen’s touch, the way he grabs at Jared’s face, the way his fingers run through Jared’s hair is only rivaled in need by the desperate grip of Jared’s hands on Jensen’s face. They kiss until their mouths feel raw, lips bruised and tender.
“Yes you can. We can do this,” Jared whispers holding Jensen’s face in his hands searching through the darkness for the admittance of truth. “Tell me that we can’t and I swear I’ll leave you alone, but you gotta tell me first.”
Jensen closes his eyes and breathes heavily. He remains silent and silence is everything.
EPILOGUE
Today Alan Ackles turns five. He is the spitting image of his father at that age with a shock of honey-blond hair, big green eyes and full pink lips. He’s a little terror running around The Padalecki’s backyard chasing the twins around.
“Oh my gosh! He’s such a handful!” Sandy exclaims resting her hands across her stomach.
“Tell me about it,” Danneel sighs fanning herself. “You’re lucky all you have are girls because between Alan and J.R. it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone gray yet.”
“Jared thinks this one is a boy, but I can feel it’s gonna be another girl.” Sandy smiles watching as the twins out run Alan. “Girls, slow down before you fall and break something!”
“Alan you stop chasing your cousins around!” Danneel fusses chasing after her eldest son while holding her youngest in her arms.
Jared flips burgers on the grill. He sips from his beer and smiles as he listens to Jensen go on and on to Barry and Steve about how there is no way that America will elect Michael Dukakis over George Bush as president next year. Politics has never been something that has interested Jared, but over the last few months that is all that Jensen seems to be able to talk about. In the fall he plans on running for mayor and Jared just has this feeling that Jensen’s going to win. He’s charismatic, great with speeches and has a background in law enforcement. He’s a shoo-in.
After the cake has been cut and the presents are all opened Jared and Jensen make it their business to clean up. Jared tells Sandy that she should take the girls next door to Jensen and Danneel’s so that he and Jensen can get things spotless and with a smile she leans on her toes, kisses her husband goodbye and follows Danneel to her house.
Once the back gate closes Jared has his hand down the front of Jensen’s pants and mouth against his neck.
“Damn it Birdie,” Jensen hisses pulling Jared inside of the house, closing the door behind him. “You’ve been cock-teasing all afternoon.”
“Consider it payback for last night.” Jared presses Jensen against the wall of his living room and wastes no time pulling his belt off. He drops to his knees and takes Jensen into his mouth until Jensen pants, clenches his fingers through Jared’s hair and threatens to cum if he doesn’t ease up.
“Wanna fuck ya Birdie,” he whispers. “Wanna be inside you.”
Jensen falls to the floor with Jared. It’s a rush of limbs and pulling of belts. Jared’s elbows dig into the carpet as Jensen flips him on his back and instructs Jared to open his legs. Jensen licks his finger and presses it inside of Jared curling and flexing the digit inside of him until Jared starts to tighten around his index.
When Jensen pushes his cock inside of Jared they both shiver. Jensen takes Jared’s leg in his hand and holds it up in the air as he pushes inside of him. They’re not making love because right now they both want to hurry up and get off. Right now they are fucking. It’s hot and dirty and rough and when Jensen says that he’s about to cum Jared tells him that he wants to taste it.
In the afterglow Jensen lays his head on Jared’s chest and exhales. Jared wraps his arms around him and holds him close placing a tender kiss on the side of his neck. It’s like they are the only two people in the world who exist and it’s these moments that matter because they feel whole, complete and real. They live two half-lives apart and one real life together. It’s not perfect, but it’s what they have and they’ll take it and hold on to it because it’s worth something.
/End
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