euphoria, reality, loss, happiness.
last night was probably the greatest night i've had in a while. i was high, i was tripping, i was happy. i was among the best of friends. for one night, i wasn't inside my own head, i was outside my own head looking in. but alas, drugs.
however, this morning i was reminded that things are back to usual. perpetually dismal because i have little control over much of my life. i've fucked up school utterly. a GPA i'm embarassed to even tell people about, the loss of a 6 thousand dollar grant, and not much to say for myself except for the fact that i learn when it's too late. i'll be going back next semester, and doing worlds better. but i have no words for the stupidity of going into college to just regard education as a joke. but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.
things are dismal. yes. and i've fucked up school almost to the point where i can't bounce back...almost. almost did it. i haven't yet. i don't plan on doing so in future. and i won't. this means everything. this determines everything.
also, dismal comes in forms. school form, personal form, etc. i haven't reached personal form. i smell that it is close, but i'm willing to consider my current status as not quite dismal. i can't fuck that up. i can never fuck up friendships. and if i do, it probably was meant to be fucked up or was fucked up from the start.
i have, absolutley, the best friends in the world. i will never want for more.
i haven't had a relationship in a while. romantically.
i feel like there's a reason for that somewhere hidden.
i've been feeling lonley lately, what with basically everyone i know having a solid relationship or at the very least someone to think about before they hit the pillow. but i don't think i can really be lonley anymore. i'm almost 19. having someone isn't really the top priority. and maybe it is my rigid way of looking at life (now that i've accepted the fact that i've got to discipline myself to do things to better my own outlook)... but love is sort of lost on me right now. and should it come around, i'll welcome it. but i'm not really any worse off without it. just lonley, sometimes. and not often at all. the holidays are much easier to get through than i thought. they say no one wants to be alone at christmastime. but to tell you the truth... i'm unbothered now that they're actually here.
what's that about?
i think despite the disappointment in myself and my grades that are haunting me, i feel some sense of happiness. i'm so happy to be home. i'm so happy to have my family and friends around. i understand now that so many people want to see my success, and want the best things for me, and i love to be surrounded by those who believe in me and whom i believe in, in turn. i miss that feeling. love, trust, knowledge of my character HERE, at home. here, i'm me. i live at my house. people know my history. i'm maddy. i'm comfortable. at Scranton, i'm me only i'm away from everything i've known. i've made my mark as me, and no assumptions were made at first meeting me. i like assumptions sometimes. it's a chance to prove someone wrong, a chance to fight for who i am.
i'm going way too deep into the thoughts of today.
but i had a very big bundle of thoughts.
they keep me company, i guess.
however, this morning i was reminded that things are back to usual. perpetually dismal because i have little control over much of my life. i've fucked up school utterly. a GPA i'm embarassed to even tell people about, the loss of a 6 thousand dollar grant, and not much to say for myself except for the fact that i learn when it's too late. i'll be going back next semester, and doing worlds better. but i have no words for the stupidity of going into college to just regard education as a joke. but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.
things are dismal. yes. and i've fucked up school almost to the point where i can't bounce back...almost. almost did it. i haven't yet. i don't plan on doing so in future. and i won't. this means everything. this determines everything.
also, dismal comes in forms. school form, personal form, etc. i haven't reached personal form. i smell that it is close, but i'm willing to consider my current status as not quite dismal. i can't fuck that up. i can never fuck up friendships. and if i do, it probably was meant to be fucked up or was fucked up from the start.
i have, absolutley, the best friends in the world. i will never want for more.
i haven't had a relationship in a while. romantically.
i feel like there's a reason for that somewhere hidden.
i've been feeling lonley lately, what with basically everyone i know having a solid relationship or at the very least someone to think about before they hit the pillow. but i don't think i can really be lonley anymore. i'm almost 19. having someone isn't really the top priority. and maybe it is my rigid way of looking at life (now that i've accepted the fact that i've got to discipline myself to do things to better my own outlook)... but love is sort of lost on me right now. and should it come around, i'll welcome it. but i'm not really any worse off without it. just lonley, sometimes. and not often at all. the holidays are much easier to get through than i thought. they say no one wants to be alone at christmastime. but to tell you the truth... i'm unbothered now that they're actually here.
what's that about?
i think despite the disappointment in myself and my grades that are haunting me, i feel some sense of happiness. i'm so happy to be home. i'm so happy to have my family and friends around. i understand now that so many people want to see my success, and want the best things for me, and i love to be surrounded by those who believe in me and whom i believe in, in turn. i miss that feeling. love, trust, knowledge of my character HERE, at home. here, i'm me. i live at my house. people know my history. i'm maddy. i'm comfortable. at Scranton, i'm me only i'm away from everything i've known. i've made my mark as me, and no assumptions were made at first meeting me. i like assumptions sometimes. it's a chance to prove someone wrong, a chance to fight for who i am.
i'm going way too deep into the thoughts of today.
but i had a very big bundle of thoughts.
they keep me company, i guess.