So close...yet so far away.....trauma in the ER....warning graphic and emotional content!!
I haven't been around much lately...for this I apologize. My life has been so busy lately and filled with both personal and professional decisions --mostly how to incorporate all the testing and appointments necessary to find out where we stand in the "baby makes three" department. We have been grappling with this issue since we lost the twins and had decided that maybe we would start adoption proceedings...just so that if mother nature never got the recipe right...we would not be a childless couple.
So things are rolling right along...we make plans to go camping with friends...and on this trip I wake up in a cold sweat....and I just KNEW!! I feel pregnant....but I tell no one....too hard on the hubby to get him all jazzed to have a negative...so I plan to wait it out and test in a week or so...waiting until I would be sure to get a result I coulld trust.
We return from camping and of course I get the stuffy nose..and I am silently beaming...my secret intact...A cold in July doesn't even make me mad. It becomes worse, I see my family doctor..he fixes me up and we go on for a few days...the metallic taste in my mouth, and a song in my heart.
I decide I can no longer wait to tell my hubby what I suspect...We have a romantic moment...blissful...only to have him return from the bathroom in a panic...."are you okay?", he asks...."yes, why?"....he hesitates...and then he says --I think you're bleeding....were you bleeding??? My heart pounds....OH NO..not know....please....
I go to the bathroom, and sure enough...a significant leakage and some clotted material...my spirits plummet...the tears roll....another dream shattered...
He checks on me...he comforts me and coaxes me back to bed...and tearfully I divulge my secret....what I suspect...and what now??
I cry myself to sleep...wake in the am..and start to convince myself that I need to go to work...I prepare for the worst..and hope for the best...
WHAT!?!?!? I am fine....no blood...nothing....impossible...I was sure that Aunt Flo had arrived on the midnight train......I become hopefull...maybe it was just spotting ---I try to convince myself....but deep down I know it was a lot of fluid....but no pain..at all...so maybe???
I go to work...I call my OB/Gyn...I make what seems like a million trips to the bathroom...just to check....nothing..great!
So they tell me to test and then let them know what the result is....and we will go from there....excitement returns...they were not overly alarmed.....they never said the "M" word.....I am jubilant and tummy rubbing again......
Friday was my day off...and I took the opportunity to just hang out...and try to nurse the cold I had developed....scanning the web for clues as to this phenomenon and the odds of a normal pregnancy....or threatened miscarriage....
My hubby calls and asks me to bring him lunch...a little date...wheeee!! Off to the shower....primp away....I shower and pause in the bedroom...a little lightheaded....I rest for a moment and head down the hall to the bathroom....about halfway there....it happens....I cough.....and there it goes..the gush....the horror of horrors hits the floor....l feel like I will die...why???? why does this keep happening....we so want this baby....and all the others before it....
We rush to the hospital and deal with ER ridiculousness.....the waiting, the incompetence, the really poor transference of information from staff to patient....
They return finally...bloodwork shows we are soo pregnant...4900!!......but they say that word....checking for ectopic...NO!!
So we wait.......
...
And then the torture continues...they place a catheter and fill it manually and send me to ultrasound......regular and vaginal....what fun....
The results come back....can't find the baby....still concerned about ectopic....must be admitted...
So, the next morning the same tests again...Beta HCG comes back with even higher numbers....5300 ...so we are still in business..but the bleeding continues.....I worry...I try to be clinical..Not form an attachment to the mayhem in my tummy.....so hard....to be cold....
This goes on for three days...which seems like weeks....bedrest....and monitoring....IV fluids and surgery at any turn.....till Sunday night....I start hemorraging...bad news...but no pain.....could this continue...the nurses try to convince me...bleeding can and does occur with normal results..as I climb into the shower to try to clean myself up.....the horror movie happening in my bathroom......I start to come to grips with it....tomorrow will be the real test...the HCG at 6 am...will tell the tale....
They do the draw...and of course the lab takes forever with results....my OB/gyn comes in and we chat and she crosses her fingers and scurries off to try to get the results for me again.....she returns...and actually sheds a tear......it fell......I knew it.....
We discuss the options.....the bleeding is too profuse....its just not healthy...I grapple with a D&C...it just seems so icky..and too similiar to actually..well.....you know...a conscious voiding of my baby..,natural seems better...but dangerous given the rate of loss I experience.....by 3 pm...I have no choice....I am wan and pale....and weakening......they rush me to OR....and its over before I even realize we started...I am knocked out...and wake up just hearing them flitter around...cleaning and chatting...and telling me to breathe deeply...clear my lungs....
I shed one silent lonely tear...........
Its all over......and there is nothing left to do..but go home and deal...and try to convince myself that I can do this again.....They are running tests...to see why this happens...I need answers.....I am a good mother.....I want to be a good mother....we are good people....and yet bad people have babies every day...with no sufferinbg...no pain...just like breathing......WHY????
Part of me is so against it all now.....I just can't go through this again.....but a baby.....we so desire a family...its all we talk about.....I need to think...I need to work this out...and pray that God with his reasons for everything..shows me some mercy and gives us the family we desire.....
So things are rolling right along...we make plans to go camping with friends...and on this trip I wake up in a cold sweat....and I just KNEW!! I feel pregnant....but I tell no one....too hard on the hubby to get him all jazzed to have a negative...so I plan to wait it out and test in a week or so...waiting until I would be sure to get a result I coulld trust.
We return from camping and of course I get the stuffy nose..and I am silently beaming...my secret intact...A cold in July doesn't even make me mad. It becomes worse, I see my family doctor..he fixes me up and we go on for a few days...the metallic taste in my mouth, and a song in my heart.
I decide I can no longer wait to tell my hubby what I suspect...We have a romantic moment...blissful...only to have him return from the bathroom in a panic...."are you okay?", he asks...."yes, why?"....he hesitates...and then he says --I think you're bleeding....were you bleeding??? My heart pounds....OH NO..not know....please....
I go to the bathroom, and sure enough...a significant leakage and some clotted material...my spirits plummet...the tears roll....another dream shattered...
He checks on me...he comforts me and coaxes me back to bed...and tearfully I divulge my secret....what I suspect...and what now??
I cry myself to sleep...wake in the am..and start to convince myself that I need to go to work...I prepare for the worst..and hope for the best...
WHAT!?!?!? I am fine....no blood...nothing....impossible...I was sure that Aunt Flo had arrived on the midnight train......I become hopefull...maybe it was just spotting ---I try to convince myself....but deep down I know it was a lot of fluid....but no pain..at all...so maybe???
I go to work...I call my OB/Gyn...I make what seems like a million trips to the bathroom...just to check....nothing..great!
So they tell me to test and then let them know what the result is....and we will go from there....excitement returns...they were not overly alarmed.....they never said the "M" word.....I am jubilant and tummy rubbing again......
Friday was my day off...and I took the opportunity to just hang out...and try to nurse the cold I had developed....scanning the web for clues as to this phenomenon and the odds of a normal pregnancy....or threatened miscarriage....
My hubby calls and asks me to bring him lunch...a little date...wheeee!! Off to the shower....primp away....I shower and pause in the bedroom...a little lightheaded....I rest for a moment and head down the hall to the bathroom....about halfway there....it happens....I cough.....and there it goes..the gush....the horror of horrors hits the floor....l feel like I will die...why???? why does this keep happening....we so want this baby....and all the others before it....
We rush to the hospital and deal with ER ridiculousness.....the waiting, the incompetence, the really poor transference of information from staff to patient....
They return finally...bloodwork shows we are soo pregnant...4900!!......but they say that word....checking for ectopic...NO!!
So we wait.......
...
And then the torture continues...they place a catheter and fill it manually and send me to ultrasound......regular and vaginal....what fun....
The results come back....can't find the baby....still concerned about ectopic....must be admitted...
So, the next morning the same tests again...Beta HCG comes back with even higher numbers....5300 ...so we are still in business..but the bleeding continues.....I worry...I try to be clinical..Not form an attachment to the mayhem in my tummy.....so hard....to be cold....
This goes on for three days...which seems like weeks....bedrest....and monitoring....IV fluids and surgery at any turn.....till Sunday night....I start hemorraging...bad news...but no pain.....could this continue...the nurses try to convince me...bleeding can and does occur with normal results..as I climb into the shower to try to clean myself up.....the horror movie happening in my bathroom......I start to come to grips with it....tomorrow will be the real test...the HCG at 6 am...will tell the tale....
They do the draw...and of course the lab takes forever with results....my OB/gyn comes in and we chat and she crosses her fingers and scurries off to try to get the results for me again.....she returns...and actually sheds a tear......it fell......I knew it.....
We discuss the options.....the bleeding is too profuse....its just not healthy...I grapple with a D&C...it just seems so icky..and too similiar to actually..well.....you know...a conscious voiding of my baby..,natural seems better...but dangerous given the rate of loss I experience.....by 3 pm...I have no choice....I am wan and pale....and weakening......they rush me to OR....and its over before I even realize we started...I am knocked out...and wake up just hearing them flitter around...cleaning and chatting...and telling me to breathe deeply...clear my lungs....
I shed one silent lonely tear...........
Its all over......and there is nothing left to do..but go home and deal...and try to convince myself that I can do this again.....They are running tests...to see why this happens...I need answers.....I am a good mother.....I want to be a good mother....we are good people....and yet bad people have babies every day...with no sufferinbg...no pain...just like breathing......WHY????
Part of me is so against it all now.....I just can't go through this again.....but a baby.....we so desire a family...its all we talk about.....I need to think...I need to work this out...and pray that God with his reasons for everything..shows me some mercy and gives us the family we desire.....