(no subject)
I’m supposed to describe how I feel; the challenge in this is describing It without feeling it because to feel it is to start the cycle again. At this point it’s too late for that, today was a bad day and I think the Ativan just kicked in, almost had another breakdown again. What it feels like? I’ve been here before, I’ve been here all my life…but it’s never quite been like this; it has never been as ever present or as strong. I don’t know if it’s a product of opening myself up fully to another person without realizing it, becoming so ingrained that two becomes one; or if perhaps it’s because it only seemed momentary when it was something that I wish to have gone on forever. Is it the sudden realization of different facts in my life exposing how alone I really am. I can’t answer these questions and answers are results and results are all that matter to me.
I don’t want to be a slave to anyone or anything. I do not wish to be beholden to any particular person or substance, being a part of something and being controlled by something are two completely different beasts. I’m tired of feeling these things, and sometimes I’m tired of feeling anything at all. There are moments, much like now, that I feel I’d be better off without any sort of emotion as it acts like an infected wound. I could cut off the limb or let the infection kill me, while it’s possible to fight the infection and stop it from killing me and come back with my limb it just creates a lot of pain and confusion about what the problem really is and what can be done about it.
House: “As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?”
This statement describes the crux of the situation I find myself in. I took a chance and got burned. Everyone tells you this will get better, everything will get better, this to shall pass, you are not alone. Then why do I feel alone? Why do friends increasingly stop responding to calls and text messages? Why do I feel alienated from those around me now that the immediate danger has passed? I can only surmise that I am alone; from this I can only see one conclusion, loneliness is inevitable so why fight it? Why not grow use to it, enjoy it even? Joy is lacking now, but if things are truly to get better as I’m led to believe isn’t the natural state of alone the best place to be; and if it’s the best place to be why would I chose to leave it? Why would I open myself up to that pain again? I don’t believe in magic and fairy tales, the world is a harsh and cruel place and doing the right thing only serves to get you punished.
Some people describe a break up as having their hearts ripped out, I do not, my heart is very much still in tact. The heart is still the enemy as much as my mind is; my mind will not forget and my heart will not forgive. The thoughts come and then my heart seems to secret and acidic poison into my blood stream nearly crippling me with weakness and emotions, negative emotions, so I have to take my meds to stop the wracking pain, to take the next step forward.
Which brings me to my next point, why forward? Why is forward better than away, is forward better than backwards? At this point I’d have to disagree, I’d rather go backwards because then at least I wouldn’t want to die again, then I wouldn’t feel the way I do now. I’m not even saying back to her, I’m just saying back in general, back to where I was emotionally then, back to where I had friends, didn’t have to worry about the security of life, back when death didn’t seem like the best option.
The emotions behind that thought have waned quite a bit as I started taking my anti-depressant but it doesn’t mean the option still doesn’t make logical sense. There are plenty of reasons why death, especially in my situation, is a better option than life. Sure death is a permanent solution to a problem that might prove to be temporary, but I am no seer and can not tell you when this affliction will pass, or even if it will pass. I do not come with knowledge professing the future, the only thing I have is now, the only thing that matters is now and how I feel now is miserable. I feel like I did 3 years ago when I went to bed every night hoping that this would be the one night you don’t wake up. I don’t know if you can possible imagine what that feels like.
I also can’t tell you what it feels like to have saved a soul and then find out all that work was for not. That you shared something special with someone to have them toss it, and everything it meant away with it. It’s symptomatic of a larger problem which I was hoping I had helped address but it tells me that at the core no on changes, no one wants to change, and we’re all fucking rotten. So why should I even bother with PEOPLE let alone love. I am as sick as everyone else but I do not profess to know what the cure is, nor am I suggesting that this is somehow a natural affliction. I’m more prone to believe that it’s cultural/environmental but I digress..
I don’t want to talk about her, if I could completely erase her from my mind I would, but I can’t. I have a memory that’s long and it NEVER forgets when it is slighted. I don’t wish to hold a grudge but I find that my heart and my mind have other agendas. Nor do I wish to be friends with someone who made a decision that was entirely selfish and detrimental and damaging to another human being. I could take it back to the point in my previous paragraph and wonder how a person with such problems could even fathom that they’d be a fit mother.
These are problems that are no longer mine but my mind ponders them, the wheels spin, scenarios play out, and all I wish to do is to go back to the fruited plains of my happiness. This is an impossible task as every step forward torches the past. So I shall reiterate my point, why is forward so important? This is a question that I have to answer for myself.
I have nothing to occupy my time on a more long term basis, I find myself caring less and less about the future and more and more about this pain in my chest. I have to focus on my most immediate and crippling problems, a monetary issue seems less relevant than self destructing on the inside. I can not tell you how badly I could use a drink right now. But I abstain, a clear head must be kept, but I won’t be abstaining for much longer, I just don’t see the point. It offers, at the minimum a temporary release and if this is all I can hope for in the immediate future than this is all I can hope for.
If there were anything else I would have thought of it. The idea of love sickens me now, I do not believe I shall be pursuing that course of action in the future, nor anything related to it. I don’t think I can allow myself to become that vulnerable again, it damaged me the first time and nearly killed me the 2nd, as they say the third time is the charm. I no longer see the point to attach myself to someone who is as damaged and flawed as I am, none of us are perfect and no one deserves anyone.
I feel under a tremendous amount of weight, I feel like my entire world is crumbling down around me and crushing me. I’ve lost friends, people rarely talk to me anymore, I’ve lost more than I gained from involving myself with people, with a woman, in love. The cost benefit analysis of the situation, the forecast for the future is quite bleak. That’s all I can write right now, it hurts to much to continue.
I don’t want to be a slave to anyone or anything. I do not wish to be beholden to any particular person or substance, being a part of something and being controlled by something are two completely different beasts. I’m tired of feeling these things, and sometimes I’m tired of feeling anything at all. There are moments, much like now, that I feel I’d be better off without any sort of emotion as it acts like an infected wound. I could cut off the limb or let the infection kill me, while it’s possible to fight the infection and stop it from killing me and come back with my limb it just creates a lot of pain and confusion about what the problem really is and what can be done about it.
House: “As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?”
This statement describes the crux of the situation I find myself in. I took a chance and got burned. Everyone tells you this will get better, everything will get better, this to shall pass, you are not alone. Then why do I feel alone? Why do friends increasingly stop responding to calls and text messages? Why do I feel alienated from those around me now that the immediate danger has passed? I can only surmise that I am alone; from this I can only see one conclusion, loneliness is inevitable so why fight it? Why not grow use to it, enjoy it even? Joy is lacking now, but if things are truly to get better as I’m led to believe isn’t the natural state of alone the best place to be; and if it’s the best place to be why would I chose to leave it? Why would I open myself up to that pain again? I don’t believe in magic and fairy tales, the world is a harsh and cruel place and doing the right thing only serves to get you punished.
Some people describe a break up as having their hearts ripped out, I do not, my heart is very much still in tact. The heart is still the enemy as much as my mind is; my mind will not forget and my heart will not forgive. The thoughts come and then my heart seems to secret and acidic poison into my blood stream nearly crippling me with weakness and emotions, negative emotions, so I have to take my meds to stop the wracking pain, to take the next step forward.
Which brings me to my next point, why forward? Why is forward better than away, is forward better than backwards? At this point I’d have to disagree, I’d rather go backwards because then at least I wouldn’t want to die again, then I wouldn’t feel the way I do now. I’m not even saying back to her, I’m just saying back in general, back to where I was emotionally then, back to where I had friends, didn’t have to worry about the security of life, back when death didn’t seem like the best option.
The emotions behind that thought have waned quite a bit as I started taking my anti-depressant but it doesn’t mean the option still doesn’t make logical sense. There are plenty of reasons why death, especially in my situation, is a better option than life. Sure death is a permanent solution to a problem that might prove to be temporary, but I am no seer and can not tell you when this affliction will pass, or even if it will pass. I do not come with knowledge professing the future, the only thing I have is now, the only thing that matters is now and how I feel now is miserable. I feel like I did 3 years ago when I went to bed every night hoping that this would be the one night you don’t wake up. I don’t know if you can possible imagine what that feels like.
I also can’t tell you what it feels like to have saved a soul and then find out all that work was for not. That you shared something special with someone to have them toss it, and everything it meant away with it. It’s symptomatic of a larger problem which I was hoping I had helped address but it tells me that at the core no on changes, no one wants to change, and we’re all fucking rotten. So why should I even bother with PEOPLE let alone love. I am as sick as everyone else but I do not profess to know what the cure is, nor am I suggesting that this is somehow a natural affliction. I’m more prone to believe that it’s cultural/environmental but I digress..
I don’t want to talk about her, if I could completely erase her from my mind I would, but I can’t. I have a memory that’s long and it NEVER forgets when it is slighted. I don’t wish to hold a grudge but I find that my heart and my mind have other agendas. Nor do I wish to be friends with someone who made a decision that was entirely selfish and detrimental and damaging to another human being. I could take it back to the point in my previous paragraph and wonder how a person with such problems could even fathom that they’d be a fit mother.
These are problems that are no longer mine but my mind ponders them, the wheels spin, scenarios play out, and all I wish to do is to go back to the fruited plains of my happiness. This is an impossible task as every step forward torches the past. So I shall reiterate my point, why is forward so important? This is a question that I have to answer for myself.
I have nothing to occupy my time on a more long term basis, I find myself caring less and less about the future and more and more about this pain in my chest. I have to focus on my most immediate and crippling problems, a monetary issue seems less relevant than self destructing on the inside. I can not tell you how badly I could use a drink right now. But I abstain, a clear head must be kept, but I won’t be abstaining for much longer, I just don’t see the point. It offers, at the minimum a temporary release and if this is all I can hope for in the immediate future than this is all I can hope for.
If there were anything else I would have thought of it. The idea of love sickens me now, I do not believe I shall be pursuing that course of action in the future, nor anything related to it. I don’t think I can allow myself to become that vulnerable again, it damaged me the first time and nearly killed me the 2nd, as they say the third time is the charm. I no longer see the point to attach myself to someone who is as damaged and flawed as I am, none of us are perfect and no one deserves anyone.
I feel under a tremendous amount of weight, I feel like my entire world is crumbling down around me and crushing me. I’ve lost friends, people rarely talk to me anymore, I’ve lost more than I gained from involving myself with people, with a woman, in love. The cost benefit analysis of the situation, the forecast for the future is quite bleak. That’s all I can write right now, it hurts to much to continue.