PURE UNADULTERATED THOUGHTS & FEELINGS LETTER: DRAFT, PART 2
Also, unedited, not proofread raw and unrefined brain vomit style stream of consciousness and emoting
PURE UNADULTERATED THOUGHTS & FEELINGS LETTER: PART 2
(PSYCHO-ANALYSIS/HARSHLY VENTING OBSERVATIONS/DESCRIPTIVELY EXPOUNDING ON KIND OF LOVE/FUCK YOU YOU BLEW IT I FORGIVE YOU I’LL ALWAYS FUCKING LOVE YOU LET’S BE FRIENDS)
Furthermore, your ability to trust, or the lack therof has NOTHING at all to do with any other person (and certainly not the particular person in question you’re attempting to determine the trustworthiness of, I.
e. Me, for the purpose of this argument), it’s simply a reflection of yourself, and it is PRIMARILY BASED ON AND INFLUENCED PREDOMINANTLY BY... DING DING DING-YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER DURING YOUR CHILDHOOD!!!!
So, fact is none of this insecurity or your pervasive lack of trust is not now nor has it ever been about me, it’s about your insecure attachment to your mother as a child (insecure attachment meaning those feelings of neglect, abandonment, absenteeism, and inconsistency, her unsteady presence and frequent absences taught you that you cannot rely on the people you love to be there for you or take care of you every time you need them, only sometimes being available to fulfill the role as a parent that you needed as a small child in order to survive.
So instead you developed a greater ability to guarantee and ensure your own survival (and seriously, you’re a fucking badass with a freaky ability to get what you want from someone/in a given situation). That shit you went through taught you how to be extremely resourceful. Unlike me who had the overbearing parent that insisted on just doing everything for me everything for me as a child and later micromanaging my every action to such an extreme that I’m functionally paralyzed until my mommy gives me the permission to something or gives me some kind of directions to follow, withering my executive function abilities so significantly as to have basically rendered me useless and incapable of achieving even the most basic necessities of life. It’s why she awarded herself the power to steal my children [by the way, they will be here in a couple days and oh my god I’m so excited I think I might cry], why she presumed to have the authority to dictate who I can and can not date, and where or with who I’m allowed to live. And I get accused of being lazy, but she stunted my very ability to act of my own volition and exist for myself. Her babying also happens to be why I AM TOO TRUSTING, and why I will spend my life believing empty promises or that good intentions mean anything at all without the actions or behavior to back them up, instead of the show me proof or it didn’t happen way of thinking that the challenges of your childhood awarded you.
MIGHT BE TOO HARSH
To be totally blunt and call it exactly like it is, in my opinion, you turned out better than me and way more capable and savvy than I’ll ever be, you had it hard as a child- I won’t pretend to know the extent of what you went through- but the way I see it, your parents probably did you a favor , they forced you to become self reliant, and I’ve never met anyone more so.
But, it also made you a hard person, and frankly my mothers coddling and micromanaging control freak behavior definitely made me a much, much nicer person (to my detriment, my insanely misguided kindness, my ability to understand my fellow man so intensely ~ and that’s not being a mind reader, that’s reading your body, your face, posture, behavior, and extreme attention to detail, I never had to try reading your mind, I knew you and so I could read you like a an book... like those with GIGANTIC font for the visually impaired.... I just started not to openly gay select your behavior is he didn’t want to hurt your feelings because I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting your feelings. Dude, I can see everything, like every single solitary thing, and I notice way more than Ill ever feel motivated to share. I know everything, much more than I actually WANT to know. Trust me dude, you are very, very, scary good- but there ain’t nobody THAT GOOD. I just choose to ignore minor, irrelevant instances of dishonesty or other minor infractions because I don’t give a shit and and no harm no foul as far as I’m concerned. Like I always knew when you’d pinch a pill or try to conflate empirical information to deceive me, but I’d have given it to you anyways, I knew you were always lying about seeing or asking your p. O shit... or even showing up to the appointments
_________________
[BROKEN FRAGMENT]....with deep seated fears of abandonment and an incapability of forging real, healthy or close personal relationships (don’t worry what we had/have is real, it’s just outrageously unhealthy... I wouldn’t give it up for anything though, even though you kind of already did when you dumped me), you will never really be able to achieve any kind of peace or actual contentment in your life without always seizing upon some way to stir up drama (doesn’t matter what it’s about, the details are usually unimportant benign/accidental things, they’re just the grist you find in your shell that you use as a way to fuel the creation of your destructive little pearls of discord you used to perpetuate your self inflicted self filling prophecy that you can’t be happy because you’re not for some reason not allowed or something, and that belief is precisely the thing that actually ends up driving the entire cycle-- like I tried explaining to you one night/morning in one of those hotel rooms, only YOU can decide to end the cycle, but only you are capable of breaking it... which is why no matter how hard I tried or how devotedly loyal, in spite of how fucking DESPERATELY I loved you (you jackass), I couldn’t break through in time to save you from yourself, so then obviously I wasn’t capable of saving us, either.
So even though we actually got lucky enough to have the one in a million chance (probably once in a lifetime) to find someone who sparked the kind of frightening, visceral and all consuming love that hitherto only appeared to exist inside of Shakespearean tragedies, the once in a life time blue moon, electric skin once in a lifetime or five, TRUE blue fucking LOVE
The if I can’t have you nobody can love
The sleep in a concrete storage shed in the dead of winter because you couldn’t stand to be away from your son or his mother
Relishing having successfully afforded another room in grimy, dirty ass bed bug ridden crackhead and prostitute infested love
Get clean together love
Stay with you when you’re locked up love
Sleep in a cramped little tent off in a patch of woods dead smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood just so we can *actually sleep together, and be together love
Pack up my things and the child and move across the country together and leave everything else in my life behind kind of love
Aiding and abetting a fugitive love
Calling lawyers, bondsmen, your parents, grandparents, friends and neighbors and harassing people into helping you kind of love
Kicked in front doors and punched out front windows kind of twisted love
Fuck for days kinda love
Love each other in their entirety, flaws and all, respective mental health, substance abuse, socioeconomic demographic and an utter lack of prospects fuck it though we can slee outside, sleep in 1 star hotels, we can sleep on the nasty floor of some random junkies apartment because it never mattered wherever we were as long as we were together lol kind of love
Insane, deranged, lunatic, psychotic love
You are the love of my life
Unfortunately for me, but the fact is undeniable that nobody will ever be able to top that act of yours. I mean honestly, how could they?
It’s really alright though, we don’t need to be connected by some arbitrary title, or even sleep with each other anymore (but thanks a lot nobody is gonna manage to top that Olympian sex god shit like I still have no idea where you were able to learn all of that like you’re the rainman of vaginas)
You’re the father of my kids, and well for that I suppose I’ll love you forever
And for what is worth (lol nothing at all really), to me you honestly are still my best friend, you still mean everything to me and I love you with all my heart. You’ve become one of the most important people in my life, and that doesn’t just suddenly change even though the type of relationship we share does.
It’s not like going to the sink, love isn’t a faucet you can just shut off once you’re done
None of those feelings I felt for you have had time to fade
I’m not sure they need to even fade completely
I think I would actually like if you stayed in my life one way or another,
I know it’ll be weird, we’ll have to act different and we’ll never be able to be as close as we once were, now that it’s over
Your loss has left a gaping hole in my life, an empty void full of loss, regret and what ifs, like some great gulf filled with feelings of emptiness, unwanted love and longing
I hate the thought of never sharing any part of what we had,
Our time together was the happiest I’ve ever been and we shared what are far and away the best years of my life
If asked, I’d do it all over again
My life is infinitely better thanks to the time we shared
So you don’t have to disappear, I don’t feel like eradicating every shred of evidence from whole we were together, even keeping the pictures, it’s better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all
Right? Dick.
I think it’s maybe even possible for us to still love each other. Even when we’re no longer IN love. If that makes sense? Platinicly, like lifelong friends or some other sappy bullshit, you know?
Well asshole, this sure ran on for a hell of a long time for some dumb ass letter I was passive aggressively resolute about not bothering to write (ok, ok, you’re well aware that I can’t not talk for any extended amount of time, so shut the fuck up)
_______
Miserable bastard, you blew it, for no other reason than your choosing to be a jealous prick with ‘mommy issues’ wah wah wah
The fucking wahmbulance ain’t even coming this time, because the fucking wahmbulance is fucking sick of your bullshit too.
but yeah you blew it in some pathetic, sorry ass effort to sabotage things on your own terms because you are so totally convinced that they’re going to fall apart anyways (is this sounding familiar yet?)(unless you decide to put in the work and work through your shit and self improve enough to be capable of actual happiness and contentment
Because allow me to be clear, Timothy, I’m just gonna say whatever the fuck I have to say and I’m very much over being censored by your excessive and sometimes baseless paranoia.
I always loved you showing off your dominant side (extremely dominant tbh, I know you just can’t help yourself it’s integral to the person you are and I do love that person) in the bedroom (another sidebar is inbound, but one thing at a time)... buuut sometimes it’s a bit much for ordinary everyday interactions and it’s not necessary for you to dictate and control ALL THE THINGS.
Fascist dictators don’t work in government or familial relationships buddy boy, and you wonder why you’re so stressed the fuck out when you insist on micromanaging every aspect of people’s lives. That shit was unhealthy, you know that, I know that, so we’ll move on.
I kind of do think you might be it for me. My one
Fuck
________
Frustrating the sanity out of you has always been my favorite pass time, and I know that feeling is mutual.
Damnit boy, I fucking miss you.