HOMG AMAZING.
HOMG, I saw the most awesome thing on TV today.
And by awesome, I mean the most horrifically bad yet still amazing thing in the history of so-bad-it's-good-ness.
So I woke up early to watch Dawson's Creek, as I do now, because it's the season where they start college and Katie Holmes is having an affair with her professor and he's cute so I have to watch, etc, etc. In this episode, however, there is no cute professor, which I am willing to look past, because the episode was that awesome. It starts with Katie Holmes walking down a completely deserted city street in Boston, which right there is not plausable, but whatever. So she calls Cute Professor and she's all like, "Giggle giggle can I come over Professor-I-Mean-David? Giggle giggle" and then she walks down the street and she's singing that song "Close To You" by The Carpenters because she's happy that she's getting some Professor nookie, but then she goes to the ATM machine and this dude with a ciggarette is watching her and he gets scary music so you totally know he's going to mug her. So she leaves the ATM and the dude (who was Jennifer Garner's boyfriend in 13 Going On 30, except not Mark Ruffalo, but the hockey player dude, except on the show he was less meat-heady and more stringy and trashy yet still cute) follows her and he's all like, "Hey" and she's all like, "...hey." and he's like "Don't worry I'm not going to mug you or rape you or anything," except he's totally lying and she's like, kinda being a bitch to him and he's like, "You're snotty," which..okay. And then he wont let her leave and then he's like, "Do you have any money I can borrow?" and she's like, "No" and he's like, "Well you didn't take very long to answer, that's not cool," and she tries to leave again and then he's like, "Yeah, about that money thing, pretty much you don't have a choice," and he shows her that she has a gun and it's all dun dun duuuun and then we go to the main credits except it's not the kids frolicing on the beach to "I Don't Want To Wait," instead we get serious danger music with just the names of the cast over a stormy sky, just in case you didn't notice that this episode is SERIOUS. FUCKIN. BIDNESS.
So we get back and Katie Holmes is all, "I don't have any money" and he's like, "Yeah right you're rolling in the dough. Where do you go, Harvard?" and she's like, "[Insert School She Goes To Here]" and I'm like, "Why the fuck would you tell a mugger where you go to school, Katie Holmes?" only she doesn't hear me. So then she's like, "No, I don't have any money," and he's like, "Bull honkey I saw you at the ATM" and she's STILL doesn't give him the money because apparently Katie Holmes missed that day in school where they tell you that if you get mugged you should give them all your money and try not to say anything. And they've got this weird witty banter thing going on, like they should have their own sitcom or something, and the trashy mugger is surpisingly well-versed in vocabulary, and it's all pretty much awesome. So then she finally gives him her money and he's like, "Cell phone?" and she's like, "No." and he's like, "I'm gonna have to pat you down to make sure," and she's like, "Ugh, fine, here" and he's all like, "Neat!" but apparently that isn't enough because he takes her back to the ATM so she can empty out her savings and then you think he's like, going to rape her because he's like, "Are you a virgin?" and she's all like, "You're going to have to kill me first," and I'm like, "KATIE HOLMES YOU ARE RETARDED" only she still doesn't hear me and so 13 Going on 30 Mugger is like, "Do you have a boyfriend?" and then he seriously starts asking her for relationship advice. NO JOKE. Turns out he's married and the little wifey is mad at him and she's like, "We'll you'll have to buy her something good," and he's like, "You're right, gimme your jacket," and she's like, "UM HELLO IT'S COLD OUT" and he's like, "UM HELLO I WILL SHOOT YOU" so she gives him her jacket and he like, compliments her, and she stays around to listen because she is seriously mentally disabled, and finally she leaves and she's walking home, like, ship-shape, off to fuck the professor with no traumatic stress or anything, and she's walking and walking and all of a sudden she hears a whistle behind her and I swear, it's the mugger, in the middle of the street waving to her. Like, "Oh, hey, I just stole all your shit, how are things?" and then this car comes outta nowhere and TOTALLY RUNS OVER THE DUDE.
So Katie Holmes, ever the good citizen, goes to check on him as the driver is like, "I'm only an extra, fuck this shit, I'm outta here," and drives off. 13 Going on 30 is looking pretty fuckin' rough, like he's all bleeding out of the mouth and nose and shit. So she grabs her jacket with the money inside and she's just about to reach for her cell when 13GO30 comes to and grabs her and she's like, "I'm just gonna call an ambulence," and he's like, "Yeah right and the police," and she's like, "No shit," and he's like, "I'm fine, I'd rather die than go to jail," and she's like, "Look, I'm going to call the paramedics and the police, and you can shoot me if you want," and I'm like, "*facepalm*" because at this point I have no words. So she gets the phone and he pulls out the gun and pulls the trigger AND....nothing happens. And she's like, "OMGWTF IT WASN'T LOADED?!" and he's like, "Oopsie, forgot to buy bullets" and has himself a good laugh. But they kinda bond because Katie Holmes realizes he's a lot like her deadbeat drug dealing dad, so she helps him light a ciggarette which...what the fuck ever. Then the ambulence comes and she faints. Yeah, I don't know.
Katie Holmes wakes up in the hospital and the doctors are like, "You went into shock" and I'm like, "Coulda fooled me". They let her go and she's walking down the hallway and she sees a little girl just standing there and because apparently Patron Saint Katie Holmes has not done enough good deeds for one night, she asks the girl if she's lost and the girl is like, "My Mommy's here somewhere -- my Daddy got hurt, he got hit by a car," and Katie Holmes is like, "Hooo shit." but she's totally the most perfect person ever so she helps the girl find her Mom and the Mom is like, "OMG thank you so much here come and sit with us while I tell you my life story and give you lots of backstory for your sympathetic mugger," only she doesn't know that 13GO30 mugged Katie Holmes yet. And so after that whole long story Wifey is like, "What are you here for?" and Katie Holmes is like, "Um, I got mugged and then my mugger got hit by a car," and Wifey flips her shit and she's like, "Screw this shit I'm going home," so she takes the kid and leaves.
Then this doctor comes and finds Katie Holmes and he's like, "Um, Mugger Dude be askin' for you," and Katie Holmes is like, "Que?" except, instead of telling him to fuck off and leaving like anyone else would, Patron Saint Katie Holmes decides to see him. He's all weak and shit and you know he's probably gonna die and he talks about how much he loves his kid and how he needed the money because it was for his kid's daycare because he spent the money Wifey gave him to pay for it on drugs and I guess you're supposed to feel sorry for him which I kinda did but I was also kinda pissed at the ploy for sympathy. And Katie Holmes is like, "It's okay, your kid loves you, etc etc crap" and he's like, "Hey, what was that song you were singing before I mugged you?" and she's like, "Oh, just a song my Dad used to sing to me," thus connecting her father with the mugger GEDDIT?! And I swear to God, he starts singing. Yes, really. He's like, "Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time, you are neeear..." which clearly means he knew the song and didn't need to ask, but whatever. Then Katie Holmes joins in and they finish off with a rousing chorus of, "Just like meee, they long to beee, close to yooooou" except it's not that rousing because Katie Holmes is sad and the Mugger is dying. Speaking of dying, right as 13GO30 finishes the last line, he DIES. And you can tell because they do that art-y shot where the heart monitor is placed just behind the person, so you get a shot of them while also seeing them flatline. DRAMA.
Katie Holmes goes back out into the waiting room and all of a sudden Wifey is back (I guess she forgot her purse?) with kid in tow and Katie Holmes gives the head-shake-of-death and Wifey's all upset and kid's like, "Did my Daddy do something bad to you?" and Patron Saint Katie Holmes is like, "No, a car was about to hit me and your Dad jumped in the way and saved me. So he saved my life," and kid is like, "YAY DADDY IS A HERO! (AND ALSO DEAD!)" except she kinda doesn't say that last part. Then while Wifey isn't looking, Patron Saint Katie Holmes slips the 500 bucks that 13GO30 stole from her into Wifey's purse. Because Katie Holmes isn't going to need that or anything. And then as "Close To You" plays in the background, Patron Saint Katie Holmes leaves the hospital, walking out the door in a slow motion shot which proudly proclaims: "I AM A STRONG WOMAN. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BOINK MY PROFESSOR."
It was pretty much awesome.
And by awesome, I mean the most horrifically bad yet still amazing thing in the history of so-bad-it's-good-ness.
So I woke up early to watch Dawson's Creek, as I do now, because it's the season where they start college and Katie Holmes is having an affair with her professor and he's cute so I have to watch, etc, etc. In this episode, however, there is no cute professor, which I am willing to look past, because the episode was that awesome. It starts with Katie Holmes walking down a completely deserted city street in Boston, which right there is not plausable, but whatever. So she calls Cute Professor and she's all like, "Giggle giggle can I come over Professor-I-Mean-David? Giggle giggle" and then she walks down the street and she's singing that song "Close To You" by The Carpenters because she's happy that she's getting some Professor nookie, but then she goes to the ATM machine and this dude with a ciggarette is watching her and he gets scary music so you totally know he's going to mug her. So she leaves the ATM and the dude (who was Jennifer Garner's boyfriend in 13 Going On 30, except not Mark Ruffalo, but the hockey player dude, except on the show he was less meat-heady and more stringy and trashy yet still cute) follows her and he's all like, "Hey" and she's all like, "...hey." and he's like "Don't worry I'm not going to mug you or rape you or anything," except he's totally lying and she's like, kinda being a bitch to him and he's like, "You're snotty," which..okay. And then he wont let her leave and then he's like, "Do you have any money I can borrow?" and she's like, "No" and he's like, "Well you didn't take very long to answer, that's not cool," and she tries to leave again and then he's like, "Yeah, about that money thing, pretty much you don't have a choice," and he shows her that she has a gun and it's all dun dun duuuun and then we go to the main credits except it's not the kids frolicing on the beach to "I Don't Want To Wait," instead we get serious danger music with just the names of the cast over a stormy sky, just in case you didn't notice that this episode is SERIOUS. FUCKIN. BIDNESS.
So we get back and Katie Holmes is all, "I don't have any money" and he's like, "Yeah right you're rolling in the dough. Where do you go, Harvard?" and she's like, "[Insert School She Goes To Here]" and I'm like, "Why the fuck would you tell a mugger where you go to school, Katie Holmes?" only she doesn't hear me. So then she's like, "No, I don't have any money," and he's like, "Bull honkey I saw you at the ATM" and she's STILL doesn't give him the money because apparently Katie Holmes missed that day in school where they tell you that if you get mugged you should give them all your money and try not to say anything. And they've got this weird witty banter thing going on, like they should have their own sitcom or something, and the trashy mugger is surpisingly well-versed in vocabulary, and it's all pretty much awesome. So then she finally gives him her money and he's like, "Cell phone?" and she's like, "No." and he's like, "I'm gonna have to pat you down to make sure," and she's like, "Ugh, fine, here" and he's all like, "Neat!" but apparently that isn't enough because he takes her back to the ATM so she can empty out her savings and then you think he's like, going to rape her because he's like, "Are you a virgin?" and she's all like, "You're going to have to kill me first," and I'm like, "KATIE HOLMES YOU ARE RETARDED" only she still doesn't hear me and so 13 Going on 30 Mugger is like, "Do you have a boyfriend?" and then he seriously starts asking her for relationship advice. NO JOKE. Turns out he's married and the little wifey is mad at him and she's like, "We'll you'll have to buy her something good," and he's like, "You're right, gimme your jacket," and she's like, "UM HELLO IT'S COLD OUT" and he's like, "UM HELLO I WILL SHOOT YOU" so she gives him her jacket and he like, compliments her, and she stays around to listen because she is seriously mentally disabled, and finally she leaves and she's walking home, like, ship-shape, off to fuck the professor with no traumatic stress or anything, and she's walking and walking and all of a sudden she hears a whistle behind her and I swear, it's the mugger, in the middle of the street waving to her. Like, "Oh, hey, I just stole all your shit, how are things?" and then this car comes outta nowhere and TOTALLY RUNS OVER THE DUDE.
So Katie Holmes, ever the good citizen, goes to check on him as the driver is like, "I'm only an extra, fuck this shit, I'm outta here," and drives off. 13 Going on 30 is looking pretty fuckin' rough, like he's all bleeding out of the mouth and nose and shit. So she grabs her jacket with the money inside and she's just about to reach for her cell when 13GO30 comes to and grabs her and she's like, "I'm just gonna call an ambulence," and he's like, "Yeah right and the police," and she's like, "No shit," and he's like, "I'm fine, I'd rather die than go to jail," and she's like, "Look, I'm going to call the paramedics and the police, and you can shoot me if you want," and I'm like, "*facepalm*" because at this point I have no words. So she gets the phone and he pulls out the gun and pulls the trigger AND....nothing happens. And she's like, "OMGWTF IT WASN'T LOADED?!" and he's like, "Oopsie, forgot to buy bullets" and has himself a good laugh. But they kinda bond because Katie Holmes realizes he's a lot like her deadbeat drug dealing dad, so she helps him light a ciggarette which...what the fuck ever. Then the ambulence comes and she faints. Yeah, I don't know.
Katie Holmes wakes up in the hospital and the doctors are like, "You went into shock" and I'm like, "Coulda fooled me". They let her go and she's walking down the hallway and she sees a little girl just standing there and because apparently Patron Saint Katie Holmes has not done enough good deeds for one night, she asks the girl if she's lost and the girl is like, "My Mommy's here somewhere -- my Daddy got hurt, he got hit by a car," and Katie Holmes is like, "Hooo shit." but she's totally the most perfect person ever so she helps the girl find her Mom and the Mom is like, "OMG thank you so much here come and sit with us while I tell you my life story and give you lots of backstory for your sympathetic mugger," only she doesn't know that 13GO30 mugged Katie Holmes yet. And so after that whole long story Wifey is like, "What are you here for?" and Katie Holmes is like, "Um, I got mugged and then my mugger got hit by a car," and Wifey flips her shit and she's like, "Screw this shit I'm going home," so she takes the kid and leaves.
Then this doctor comes and finds Katie Holmes and he's like, "Um, Mugger Dude be askin' for you," and Katie Holmes is like, "Que?" except, instead of telling him to fuck off and leaving like anyone else would, Patron Saint Katie Holmes decides to see him. He's all weak and shit and you know he's probably gonna die and he talks about how much he loves his kid and how he needed the money because it was for his kid's daycare because he spent the money Wifey gave him to pay for it on drugs and I guess you're supposed to feel sorry for him which I kinda did but I was also kinda pissed at the ploy for sympathy. And Katie Holmes is like, "It's okay, your kid loves you, etc etc crap" and he's like, "Hey, what was that song you were singing before I mugged you?" and she's like, "Oh, just a song my Dad used to sing to me," thus connecting her father with the mugger GEDDIT?! And I swear to God, he starts singing. Yes, really. He's like, "Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time, you are neeear..." which clearly means he knew the song and didn't need to ask, but whatever. Then Katie Holmes joins in and they finish off with a rousing chorus of, "Just like meee, they long to beee, close to yooooou" except it's not that rousing because Katie Holmes is sad and the Mugger is dying. Speaking of dying, right as 13GO30 finishes the last line, he DIES. And you can tell because they do that art-y shot where the heart monitor is placed just behind the person, so you get a shot of them while also seeing them flatline. DRAMA.
Katie Holmes goes back out into the waiting room and all of a sudden Wifey is back (I guess she forgot her purse?) with kid in tow and Katie Holmes gives the head-shake-of-death and Wifey's all upset and kid's like, "Did my Daddy do something bad to you?" and Patron Saint Katie Holmes is like, "No, a car was about to hit me and your Dad jumped in the way and saved me. So he saved my life," and kid is like, "YAY DADDY IS A HERO! (AND ALSO DEAD!)" except she kinda doesn't say that last part. Then while Wifey isn't looking, Patron Saint Katie Holmes slips the 500 bucks that 13GO30 stole from her into Wifey's purse. Because Katie Holmes isn't going to need that or anything. And then as "Close To You" plays in the background, Patron Saint Katie Holmes leaves the hospital, walking out the door in a slow motion shot which proudly proclaims: "I AM A STRONG WOMAN. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BOINK MY PROFESSOR."
It was pretty much awesome.