sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
i haven't written in this forever.
last night i broke up with nick.. we had been going out since march 25 so lets see.. it lasted about four months. I was really upset and crying when i did it, but all this time apart [me in florida then him at camp] started to make me realize that my feelings changed and i didn't feel the same about him anymore. it makes me really upset to admit that to myself and really angry with myself for feeling that way.. He never did anything wrong to me.. he was so sweet to me, he treated me like i was amazing and always told me i was adorable. and its not like he was an ass to other people either. spent a week at a christian camp as a counslor and was a youth leader thing at his church. really close to his family.. and the fact that i don't have feelings for him anymore and he was such a great person to me makes me so angry. who knows when or if a guy as great as him will come into my life again.. and i don't like him anymore. it makes no sense to me and makes me upset. the past week [after i realized that i didnt really feel for him anymore] everytime i had to make a wish it was that i'd fall in love with him. but sadly i can't force myself to feel a certain way so i had to end it. i went to his house last night around 7 and we just sat on his couch for a while and he was like well i wanted to tell you how you thought you were selfish and that couldnt be more wrong. you've given me so much you don't realize it. i've never opened up to anyone like i've opened up to you and i've told you things that i havent even told my friends. you've made me so happy i can't even begin to explain.. and through you i also met so many people because i started to become friends with your friends and i really didn't hang out with anyone except my friends from church.. and i really didn't say much for a long time until he mentioned how i wanted to come over to talk but i wasn't talking. and i said something like i've just been thinking a lot and all this hoping that things will work out and as much as i have to reassure myself that things are fine [cause we talked a few nights before about how i constantly try to convince myself that i do like him] makes me feel like i'm trying to force something that isn't really there anymore. and that makes me so upset because you never did anything to make me feel that way. and i was crying because i was just really upset.. and he asked me where do we go from here and i said i dont know and just cried more and he just held me. i told him so much that i was sorry and he just kept telling me it was okay and that he understood. Eventually i said i don't think we have a choice but to break up because i don't know if there's anyway we can fix this. he told me he understood and he didn't want me to force anything or try to make myself feel a certain way. after about 20 minutes of not really talking just sitting there i left. he walked me to my car and i just hugged him and he told me i just want you to know that you'll always have a special place in my heart even though i probably won't be seeing you anymore. i was crying so hard and we just hugged eachother so hard out in front of my car. we kissed before i left, but i couldnt really kiss him because he had stitches on the side of his lip from when he was at camp. i got in my car and composed myself because i was a mess and then drove down to the port store and just parked there and cried for like 10 minutes before i left. texted chistine, ter, lex, and sbree to let them all know. he was even sweet to me when i broke up with him. why the hell don't i have feelings for someone like that?
and on the other end of the spectrum. dan texted me two nights ago randomly telling me how he still loved me and thinks about me all the time. it made me really upset again. i guess i'm still not over that and that makes me angry at myself.
speaking of dan i had the freakiest dream the other night. weird thing was i had this entire dream after i got up and turned my alarm off and slept for another hour.
i was walking through the gym with christine and it was back in the winter.. like when we have track and theres basketball practices. and there were all these teams practicing and one of them was mullica's. and i saw this boy and he was singing and christine left out the door and i went up to him nd told him he should join choir. and he said no then they'll only tell me what i'm bad at. and i said no thats not true they'll tell you how to fix what you're bad at so you can be a better singer overall. and he was like ohhh i understand okay maybe i will. and then sabrina walked up to me and was like i wish my mom was like that because then maybe johnathon would be in choir. and then suddenly i was like floating through somewhere i don't know. like it was kind of like i was swimming through the air. and i went over a balcony and the oakcrest cheerleaders were below me and i was yelling for jasmine and they lifted husta up and her foot got caught on my shirt and she fell. and all these oakcrest people were there and watching and i was all worried they would think i did it on purpose.. but in the back of my mind i think i went over the cheerleaders just for that purpose, but i yelled out to everyone that it was an accident. and then we were in line for some thing.. i think it was a rollar coaster or something. and we had to go around this bend and at the bend everyone was cutting their friends in line and stuff. and again it was all people from school.. no one specifically that i remember, i just remember that it was people i knew. and it was me and christine and ter in line and we saw johnallen and leslie and tried to get them in line with us and then we passed the curve and went up some stairs and realized leslie wasn't with us anymore because she stopped to talk to her friends so johnallen had to go back to her. and then teddy and dan got in line with us and were all excited because they thought they had made it in line. I told no you guys cant and neither of them listend to me. oh and now we were in this white kitchen thing that the line was going through with a counter. and i got in teddy's face and everyone was watching i and entirely flipped out.. i was like teddy we aren't friends anymore. you used to be one of my best friends but i dont even know you anymore you've changed so much and i was screaming on the top of my lungs and everone was watching and he was like ...you're right and left. In real life i've never screamed at anyone angry like that and in my dream i was soooo mad and i was just flipping out like crazy. and then i was looked to dan and i was like and you i've never told someone i hate you and meant it more than when i say it to you and he just looked at me and smiled and told me to stop lieing to myself. and i was so mad and i didn't have anything else to say so i kicked him and it was like a karate kick with my toe pointed [random detail i know but i remember that lol] and it felt amazing.. like when you hit the sweetspot on your cleat and send the ball flying. but i didn't hurt him. So i just fell down at his feet and then crawled over to the corner where the counters met and i was in this corner and i was just BAWLING my eyes out. crying SO hard. and i looked over to dan and i was like i haven't cried over you for six months [even though i think it was less than that when he cheated on me]and honestly i was waiting for him to say something to me.. anything, but he didn't. and i just sat there crying histerically. and i woke up and i was crying for real. and really hard. i couldn't breath out of my nose and my pillow was all wet. it was really sad. and it freaked me out a lot.
on a lighter note i bought a gym membership and i like to go to the gym and run because its way to hot to run outside. and lift a little bit too. and one day ryan will come with me to the gym and make me a workout plan because he's nice like that.
its late.
i should be sleeping
the weather is way too hot.
i love my ipod.
thats enough of this. i wonder who will read this... hopefully not too many people
last night i broke up with nick.. we had been going out since march 25 so lets see.. it lasted about four months. I was really upset and crying when i did it, but all this time apart [me in florida then him at camp] started to make me realize that my feelings changed and i didn't feel the same about him anymore. it makes me really upset to admit that to myself and really angry with myself for feeling that way.. He never did anything wrong to me.. he was so sweet to me, he treated me like i was amazing and always told me i was adorable. and its not like he was an ass to other people either. spent a week at a christian camp as a counslor and was a youth leader thing at his church. really close to his family.. and the fact that i don't have feelings for him anymore and he was such a great person to me makes me so angry. who knows when or if a guy as great as him will come into my life again.. and i don't like him anymore. it makes no sense to me and makes me upset. the past week [after i realized that i didnt really feel for him anymore] everytime i had to make a wish it was that i'd fall in love with him. but sadly i can't force myself to feel a certain way so i had to end it. i went to his house last night around 7 and we just sat on his couch for a while and he was like well i wanted to tell you how you thought you were selfish and that couldnt be more wrong. you've given me so much you don't realize it. i've never opened up to anyone like i've opened up to you and i've told you things that i havent even told my friends. you've made me so happy i can't even begin to explain.. and through you i also met so many people because i started to become friends with your friends and i really didn't hang out with anyone except my friends from church.. and i really didn't say much for a long time until he mentioned how i wanted to come over to talk but i wasn't talking. and i said something like i've just been thinking a lot and all this hoping that things will work out and as much as i have to reassure myself that things are fine [cause we talked a few nights before about how i constantly try to convince myself that i do like him] makes me feel like i'm trying to force something that isn't really there anymore. and that makes me so upset because you never did anything to make me feel that way. and i was crying because i was just really upset.. and he asked me where do we go from here and i said i dont know and just cried more and he just held me. i told him so much that i was sorry and he just kept telling me it was okay and that he understood. Eventually i said i don't think we have a choice but to break up because i don't know if there's anyway we can fix this. he told me he understood and he didn't want me to force anything or try to make myself feel a certain way. after about 20 minutes of not really talking just sitting there i left. he walked me to my car and i just hugged him and he told me i just want you to know that you'll always have a special place in my heart even though i probably won't be seeing you anymore. i was crying so hard and we just hugged eachother so hard out in front of my car. we kissed before i left, but i couldnt really kiss him because he had stitches on the side of his lip from when he was at camp. i got in my car and composed myself because i was a mess and then drove down to the port store and just parked there and cried for like 10 minutes before i left. texted chistine, ter, lex, and sbree to let them all know. he was even sweet to me when i broke up with him. why the hell don't i have feelings for someone like that?
and on the other end of the spectrum. dan texted me two nights ago randomly telling me how he still loved me and thinks about me all the time. it made me really upset again. i guess i'm still not over that and that makes me angry at myself.
speaking of dan i had the freakiest dream the other night. weird thing was i had this entire dream after i got up and turned my alarm off and slept for another hour.
i was walking through the gym with christine and it was back in the winter.. like when we have track and theres basketball practices. and there were all these teams practicing and one of them was mullica's. and i saw this boy and he was singing and christine left out the door and i went up to him nd told him he should join choir. and he said no then they'll only tell me what i'm bad at. and i said no thats not true they'll tell you how to fix what you're bad at so you can be a better singer overall. and he was like ohhh i understand okay maybe i will. and then sabrina walked up to me and was like i wish my mom was like that because then maybe johnathon would be in choir. and then suddenly i was like floating through somewhere i don't know. like it was kind of like i was swimming through the air. and i went over a balcony and the oakcrest cheerleaders were below me and i was yelling for jasmine and they lifted husta up and her foot got caught on my shirt and she fell. and all these oakcrest people were there and watching and i was all worried they would think i did it on purpose.. but in the back of my mind i think i went over the cheerleaders just for that purpose, but i yelled out to everyone that it was an accident. and then we were in line for some thing.. i think it was a rollar coaster or something. and we had to go around this bend and at the bend everyone was cutting their friends in line and stuff. and again it was all people from school.. no one specifically that i remember, i just remember that it was people i knew. and it was me and christine and ter in line and we saw johnallen and leslie and tried to get them in line with us and then we passed the curve and went up some stairs and realized leslie wasn't with us anymore because she stopped to talk to her friends so johnallen had to go back to her. and then teddy and dan got in line with us and were all excited because they thought they had made it in line. I told no you guys cant and neither of them listend to me. oh and now we were in this white kitchen thing that the line was going through with a counter. and i got in teddy's face and everyone was watching i and entirely flipped out.. i was like teddy we aren't friends anymore. you used to be one of my best friends but i dont even know you anymore you've changed so much and i was screaming on the top of my lungs and everone was watching and he was like ...you're right and left. In real life i've never screamed at anyone angry like that and in my dream i was soooo mad and i was just flipping out like crazy. and then i was looked to dan and i was like and you i've never told someone i hate you and meant it more than when i say it to you and he just looked at me and smiled and told me to stop lieing to myself. and i was so mad and i didn't have anything else to say so i kicked him and it was like a karate kick with my toe pointed [random detail i know but i remember that lol] and it felt amazing.. like when you hit the sweetspot on your cleat and send the ball flying. but i didn't hurt him. So i just fell down at his feet and then crawled over to the corner where the counters met and i was in this corner and i was just BAWLING my eyes out. crying SO hard. and i looked over to dan and i was like i haven't cried over you for six months [even though i think it was less than that when he cheated on me]and honestly i was waiting for him to say something to me.. anything, but he didn't. and i just sat there crying histerically. and i woke up and i was crying for real. and really hard. i couldn't breath out of my nose and my pillow was all wet. it was really sad. and it freaked me out a lot.
on a lighter note i bought a gym membership and i like to go to the gym and run because its way to hot to run outside. and lift a little bit too. and one day ryan will come with me to the gym and make me a workout plan because he's nice like that.
its late.
i should be sleeping
the weather is way too hot.
i love my ipod.
thats enough of this. i wonder who will read this... hopefully not too many people