To far gone to be saved
This is the second time I have tried to this journal and I can never seem to find the words for what I'm feeling.Hell even a subject to this would be nice but no every time I try to put words to these feelings it changes to something else.Like its not just one thing bothering me its everything.In fact the only thing that gives me peace is the weather or my reading now days.Don't get me wrong I still feel everything from Happiness to Depression .Just the sad I guess does not seem to fade could be where I'm living or me.Would not surprise me to find out I have some physical problem on top of all my emotional ones but I think that unlikely since I have been on drugs before and all they did was stop me from feeling.It could be that since I'm getting better its makes the other parts of me seem worse in comparison .Then again I think its just this house being remind of where most of the pain I have now came from everyday and then beings asked to lie about it so I can live in a somewhat peaceful place(at least in compared to if I did not lie).I have no idea how to change besides leaving it.I can't reason with it its not possible to reason with hate.Sometimes I feel like I barely holding on to this hate I can't even breath its like I'm going to die from it and yet I do cause in truth if I start I dont think I ever stop or would I ever win. Why do I have to be one in pain while she walks around free of it. Why can't I become that monster for just a second? So I can at least do some pain to her.Yet I know why I can't that not who I want to be and I know I have to let it go cause there no other options holding it in is just going to kill me but it seems so wrong to let it go.Maybe once I'm gone and out this lie I can do it who knows.Well at least I found my subject