Love, you won't die ♥ I am with you, I am supporting you.
21.4 sounds a lot right now, I know. It did to me when I started recovery. When I started recovery a gain of one pound sounded a lot.
But gain pounds I did and suddenly, I was able to run around, dance, carry my school books without feeling tired. My recovery coincided with spring. I had been cold and starving all through winter and suddenly, I had energy and I was warm.
I'm not saying it wasn't hard because it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through. I wanted to disappear every day, I felt so fat and ugly. I had panic attacks and I thought I could feel myself getting fatter. I cried and cried on the phone to Nick countless times. I had relapses every other week.
But one day, recovery started paying off and I looked in the mirror, and I realised I was beautiful. I'd had an ed, I believed that beauty lay in the lowest number I could get to.. and suddenly I felt beautiful for the first time, and it had nothing to do with my weight. It was almost unbelievable. It was exciting and scary. I felt genuine genuine happiness and self-satisfaction for the first time in over a year. I felt powerful.
Whether you end up at a healthy weight or not, I am rooting for your happiness Lisa. How you will get there is impossible to tell but I believe in me you will. Unlike the doctors, I don't want you to be a specific bmi. If you could be happy and healthy at the bmi you're at now I would want that. If your happiness rested on you being at a higher bmi, then that is what i would want for you. I want you to realise you are beautiful no matter what weight you are. I want you to realise that while you are suffering and hating yourself and not giving yourself the love you need.. you are powerless, lisa love. You are so passionate and powerful and this illness is keeping you down and stopping you making the difference you need to make. I want you to realise you are not the enemy and start fighting outwards. I want to help you in any way I can to realise that.
Thank you, dearest Hannah. I missed you so much, and I was so glad to find such a meaningful reply for you. I guess the fact that it was from you mattered the most to me. I missed you oh-so-much.
I cannot be happy at a higher BMI. I simply cant. My BMI is 18.4 right now, and I already feel fat. I will have to gain around 20lbs and the first ten must be gained ASAP, or else I will end up there again. I havent been doing well at all, and I hate my body. I binged for 4 days in a row, so scratch that, my BMI must be around 19 now. I cannot go back to that weight. I simply cant. I posted some pictures in my LJ and somehow, that made me realize HOW MUCH I WOULD HATE to be at that weight again. I had curves. And I am getting them again, and I dont want to.
Love, you won't die ♥ I am with you, I am supporting you.
21.4 sounds a lot right now, I know. It did to me when I started recovery. When I started recovery a gain of one pound sounded a lot.
But gain pounds I did and suddenly, I was able to run around, dance, carry my school books without feeling tired. My recovery coincided with spring. I had been cold and starving all through winter and suddenly, I had energy and I was warm.
I'm not saying it wasn't hard because it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through. I wanted to disappear every day, I felt so fat and ugly. I had panic attacks and I thought I could feel myself getting fatter. I cried and cried on the phone to Nick countless times. I had relapses every other week.
But one day, recovery started paying off and I looked in the mirror, and I realised I was beautiful. I'd had an ed, I believed that beauty lay in the lowest number I could get to.. and suddenly I felt beautiful for the first time, and it had nothing to do with my weight. It was almost unbelievable. It was exciting and scary. I felt genuine genuine happiness and self-satisfaction for the first time in over a year. I felt powerful.
Whether you end up at a healthy weight or not, I am rooting for your happiness Lisa. How you will get there is impossible to tell but I believe in me you will. Unlike the doctors, I don't want you to be a specific bmi. If you could be happy and healthy at the bmi you're at now I would want that. If your happiness rested on you being at a higher bmi, then that is what i would want for you. I want you to realise you are beautiful no matter what weight you are. I want you to realise that while you are suffering and hating yourself and not giving yourself the love you need.. you are powerless, lisa love. You are so passionate and powerful and this illness is keeping you down and stopping you making the difference you need to make. I want you to realise you are not the enemy and start fighting outwards. I want to help you in any way I can to realise that.
You are beautiful and I love you.
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I missed you so much, and I was so glad to find such a meaningful reply for you. I guess the fact that it was from you mattered the most to me.
I missed you oh-so-much.
I cannot be happy at a higher BMI. I simply cant. My BMI is 18.4 right now, and I already feel fat. I will have to gain around 20lbs and the first ten must be gained ASAP, or else I will end up there again.
I havent been doing well at all, and I hate my body. I binged for 4 days in a row, so scratch that, my BMI must be around 19 now.
I cannot go back to that weight. I simply cant.
I posted some pictures in my LJ and somehow, that made me realize HOW MUCH I WOULD HATE to be at that weight again. I had curves. And I am getting them again, and I dont want to.
I love you too, Hannah. *hugs*
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