Spreading the virus
Bob makes a post, her friend Rowan makes a comment:
God: HEY BOB.
Bob: Hi there, God.
God: WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
Bob: Thanks!
God: SO, BOB...
Bob: Yes, God?
God: SEEMS LIKE YOU TRIED PRETTY HARD TO BE A GOOD PERSON. SORRY I DIDN'T MAKE THAT EASIER FOR YOU. YOU DID OK, THOUGH.
Bob: Thanks, God. I was a little worried about some stuff, especially some of the bits with boys.
God: S'OK. JOYFUL NOISES AND ALL THAT. SO, UH, C'MON IN. JESUS MADE SOME COOKIES.
Bob: Really?
God: YEAH, SNICKERDOODLES. BUT HE CAN CHANGE THEM TO CHOCOLATE CHIP IF YOU WANT. KID'S KIND OF A SHOWOFF. BUT COME ON, I'LL GET JAMES DEAN TO SHOW YOU AROUND.
Bob: He ended up here?
God: YEAH, BUT DON'T LET HIM BORROW YOUR CAR.
For others, I expect the meeting to go a little more like this:
Pat: My LORD, I am HERE to reCEIVE my just REWARD!
God: WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
Pat: Why, my Lord, I am Pat Robertson! I tirelessly did your work and preached your word all my life! I'm your Number One Fan!
God: NO, SORRY, NOT RINGING ANY BELLS. MAYBE WE MET DOING TSUNAMI RELIEF IN 2004?
Pat: No, my Lord, I know that's a trick question. You sent that wave to punish the heathens and their immorality!
God: I DID? HUH. DID WE MEET DOING AID WORK AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA?
Pat: Why, no, God, I couldn't help those people! That hurricane was a judgment on the wicked!
God: MAYBE I SAW YOUR NAME ON THE RED CROSS DONATIONS LIST FOR HAITI?
Pat: But they made a pact with the DEVIL!
God: YOU KNOW, PAT, ALL THE PEOPLE TOO EVIL FOR YOU TO HELP WERE BROWN-SKINNED. ISN'T THAT A FUNNY COINCIDENCE?
Pat: That's not true! I also condemned the gays and pointed out that AIDS was your plague on their child-molesting ways.
God: ...
Pat: *beams* So you SEE, I have COME to take my rightful PLACE at your right HAND!
God: ABOUT THAT...YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY COME IN.
Pat: What? You mean you want me to take Saint Peter's place, deciding who comes in and who stays out? I can do that! I have a very clear understanding on the sort of riff raff we shouldn't let in! You can trust me not to let the sinners in, Lord!
God: WELL, NO, APPARENTLY YOU DON'T. BECAUSE *YOU* ARE THE SORT OF RIFF RAFF WE DON'T LET IN. REMEMBER ALL THAT HATE, ALL THAT JUDGMENT YOU PREACHED?
Pat: Absolutely! It came straight from the Bible.
God: YOU KEEP USING THAT BOOK. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
Pat: You quote "The Princess Bride"?
God: I WROTE "THE PRINCESS BRIDE".
Pat: I think I'm starting to understand.
God: LITTLE TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW. YOU'RE HEADED DOWNSTAIRS. OH, AND TELL FALWELL TO STOP STALKING ME ON FACEBOOK. IT'S CREEPY AND I'M NOT GOING TO FRIEND HIM BACK.
http://apocalypticbob.livejournal.com/533944.html?thread=6534072#t6534072
the rest is a tiiiiiny piece of internet history.
God: HEY BOB.
Bob: Hi there, God.
God: WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
Bob: Thanks!
God: SO, BOB...
Bob: Yes, God?
God: SEEMS LIKE YOU TRIED PRETTY HARD TO BE A GOOD PERSON. SORRY I DIDN'T MAKE THAT EASIER FOR YOU. YOU DID OK, THOUGH.
Bob: Thanks, God. I was a little worried about some stuff, especially some of the bits with boys.
God: S'OK. JOYFUL NOISES AND ALL THAT. SO, UH, C'MON IN. JESUS MADE SOME COOKIES.
Bob: Really?
God: YEAH, SNICKERDOODLES. BUT HE CAN CHANGE THEM TO CHOCOLATE CHIP IF YOU WANT. KID'S KIND OF A SHOWOFF. BUT COME ON, I'LL GET JAMES DEAN TO SHOW YOU AROUND.
Bob: He ended up here?
God: YEAH, BUT DON'T LET HIM BORROW YOUR CAR.
For others, I expect the meeting to go a little more like this:
Pat: My LORD, I am HERE to reCEIVE my just REWARD!
God: WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
Pat: Why, my Lord, I am Pat Robertson! I tirelessly did your work and preached your word all my life! I'm your Number One Fan!
God: NO, SORRY, NOT RINGING ANY BELLS. MAYBE WE MET DOING TSUNAMI RELIEF IN 2004?
Pat: No, my Lord, I know that's a trick question. You sent that wave to punish the heathens and their immorality!
God: I DID? HUH. DID WE MEET DOING AID WORK AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA?
Pat: Why, no, God, I couldn't help those people! That hurricane was a judgment on the wicked!
God: MAYBE I SAW YOUR NAME ON THE RED CROSS DONATIONS LIST FOR HAITI?
Pat: But they made a pact with the DEVIL!
God: YOU KNOW, PAT, ALL THE PEOPLE TOO EVIL FOR YOU TO HELP WERE BROWN-SKINNED. ISN'T THAT A FUNNY COINCIDENCE?
Pat: That's not true! I also condemned the gays and pointed out that AIDS was your plague on their child-molesting ways.
God: ...
Pat: *beams* So you SEE, I have COME to take my rightful PLACE at your right HAND!
God: ABOUT THAT...YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY COME IN.
Pat: What? You mean you want me to take Saint Peter's place, deciding who comes in and who stays out? I can do that! I have a very clear understanding on the sort of riff raff we shouldn't let in! You can trust me not to let the sinners in, Lord!
God: WELL, NO, APPARENTLY YOU DON'T. BECAUSE *YOU* ARE THE SORT OF RIFF RAFF WE DON'T LET IN. REMEMBER ALL THAT HATE, ALL THAT JUDGMENT YOU PREACHED?
Pat: Absolutely! It came straight from the Bible.
God: YOU KEEP USING THAT BOOK. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
Pat: You quote "The Princess Bride"?
God: I WROTE "THE PRINCESS BRIDE".
Pat: I think I'm starting to understand.
God: LITTLE TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW. YOU'RE HEADED DOWNSTAIRS. OH, AND TELL FALWELL TO STOP STALKING ME ON FACEBOOK. IT'S CREEPY AND I'M NOT GOING TO FRIEND HIM BACK.
http://apocalypticbob.livejournal.com/533944.html?thread=6534072#t6534072
the rest is a tiiiiiny piece of internet history.