The Secret of Life
I figured it out. Well, not really. But enough to understand why I get so stressed and depressed when I'm in California and feel amazing while living in a stressful city like New York. Here it is: So I used to think it was my parents, whom I love greatly, but can drive me crazy. Now I've figured out that that's only a little bit of that. The reason my parents make me so stressed, is because of the attitude that they can sometimes project that is projected by pretty much everyone I know who lives around here. That is an attitude of "it matters." It matters what you wear, what you do, what you drive, etc. Your outside appearance matters. For example, if I'm going to lunch with my friend and her mother and my mother, my mother wants me to look a certain way and act a certain way. It doesn't matter that I've known them for almost all of my life; I am supposed to give the right impression. Whereas in NYC, even if it's a situation like that, I choose what I want to wear and I act like myself. Admittedly I act differently around adults than I do with kids my own age, but you get the idea. If I am comfortable with my own appearnace and general presentation of myself, then I am happy. I don't care about what other people think about me; they are entitled to their own opinions. If they think I'm a nutcase who has poor taste in clothing, than so be it. Their choice, not mine. Whereas, in California, I care about all that stuff. I care if I look a certain way, and I moniter what I talk about and how I act. I do a mental head slam everytime I say something stupid, and I care about what these people think of me, regardless if they are my very good friends. I hate that I have to self-censor because that's not who I am. Clothes and jobs and cars and all that bullshit doesn't matter. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, it should have to matter to you what everyone else thinks of it. It's such a waste. Anyway, thank you for paying attention to my ranting and raving. I'm going to go have a nervous breakdown about the fact that I'm leaving on Saturday and won't be home for a month and have no idea of what I'm bringing with me. Gah.