Born This Way - Chapter 21
Title: Born This Way 21
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, John, Gray, Owen, Toshiko/Tommy, Suzie, OCs
Rating: NC-17
Warnings/Contains: Supernatural themes, character death, drug references, dub-con.
Summary: Sequel to Choices - Ianto Jones was born and raised in Hell, but he isn’t feeling as demonic as usual lately-thanks to Jack Harkness. But you can’t desert Hell without consequences and suddenly Ianto’s and Jack’s happily ever after may not be so happy.
Note: Big shovel, big hole and one guardian and what does that leave you with...? Lots of Gray...sorry!
21
*~*
Original Sin
*~*
Gray
Until yesterday, I hadn’t really thought about it since Jack brought it up a few weeks back. But after what happened with Elle, it’s been playing in the back of my mind all day: Jack’s Sway is the only way. If he could use it, maybe I could have Elle-have everything.
He changed the demon. Why not me?
I can already feel myself changing. I feel things I didn’t even know were possible when I’m with Elle.
I glance at Jack as he drives. He’s scowling straight out the windshield, lost in his own thoughts.
I clear my throat, slump deeper into my seat, and start the script I’ve practiced. “Do you remember when you told me you wanted to make me mortal?”
He glances at me, and his scowl disappears, replaced by caution. “Yeah.”
“I want you to.”
His eyes widen, but then his face crumbles. “Oh, Gray…you know I want to, but I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?” I hear the edge in my voice and hope Jack doesn’t.
“My Sway isn’t anything. I thought it was, but…” He shakes his head and looks haunted. “It…I can’t do it.”
It’s out of pure desperation that I can’t let it drop, even though I know I should. “You said you wanted to help me… to make up for what you did. This is your chance.” I feel my face lock in a grimace as sick disgust buries me. I can’t look at him. I never intended to say that-play that card. I don’t even know where that came from.
When I do look, he glances sideways at me, a tear trailing down his cheek. He scrubs it away with the back of his wrist. “What would I have to do?”
“Just want it, I guess. You know how it works better than me.”
A wounded growl escapes his throat. “But I’ve always wanted that, even before any of this…” He waves his hand at me. “I’ve always wanted you back.”
“Maybe that’s why I ended up your guardian, but I think you have to want me more than ‘back.’ I think you have to want me mortal-human.”
He shoots me an uncertain glance. “I…”
“Just think about it,” I say.
He’ll do it. I know he will. I can feel his guilt, heavy and thick, like a blanket over his soul. And as sick as I feel inside, the throbbing ache isn’t totally from disgust. Because I ache for Elle, and this is the only way I can have her. Jack wants it this way. He was the one who brought it up in the first place. The knot in my core loosens as I realise I didn’t do anything wrong, really-just encouraged him to do what he already wanted to do.
We pull up at Ianto’s building. He cuts the engine and sits for a long minute before turning to look at me. “I’ll try,” he says.
I push out the door before he can see the elation on my face. I’m pretty sure I’m glowing.
He climbs out of the car, and I realise I’m shaking. I can’t stop. I want this so much. I can see the picture clearly in my head: Elle in my arms, so soft and warm…touching me, kissing me…
A shudder rolls through me. We could leave here. Go someplace where no one knows us. Be together-really together. Everything in me explodes into a shower of sparks. Maybe I should cut the demon some slack. If this is how Jack makes him feel…
I follow him up the stairs and he twists his key in Ianto’s lock. My soaring heart soars higher when I pass through the door and see Elle, sitting at the table in her baggy grey clothes. Her hair is pulled off her face in a ponytail and she looks… beautiful. Like she’s almost shining. Amazingly alive.
But then I see Ianto sitting across from her, empty dishes on the table between them. They seem to be engrossed in some intense conversation, and any charity I was feeling toward him instantly vanishes.
I stride over and stand next to Elle. “What are you guys talking about?”
Ianto takes a second to respond. His eyes shift from Elle to Jack and back, and they narrow almost imperceptibly. “Nothing.”
He pulls himself out of the chair and wraps Jack in a hug. “Elle and I made food. Want some?”
My hands grasp the back of Elle’s chair so hard, I’m vaguely surprised the wood doesn’t splinter. I bite my lips together and swallow the fury that’s dying to spew from my mouth. How can Jack be so blind? How can he not see that he’s all over Elle?
I’m choking.
Can angels choke? I have to get out of here.
Elle stands. Her eyes shoot to me then away. “I’ve gotta get ready for work,” she says. “See you guys later.”
She rinses her dish in the sink and I walk with her to the door, fighting to keep my hands off her.
“I’m heading out too,” I say, waving over my shoulder. “I’ll be back.”
Ianto eyes me, but he doesn’t say anything.
Once Elle and I are in the hall, I don’t even pretend. I lace my fingers in hers and walk with her to her door. “Do you really have to work?”
“Not for a few hours.” Her eyes drop and she blushes. “But I was hoping if I left, you might come over.”
I smile as all my senses flare. “I’m over. So are you going to invite me in?”
She turns her key in the lock and pushes the door open. We step through, but before she can close it, her face is in my hands and my lips are moving with hers.
I pull back and gaze down into her amazing green eyes. “Sorry. I had to do that.”
She smiles up at me and closes the door. Then she takes my hand and leads me to the couch. I look for a spot to sit, but she doesn’t seem to care that there are clothes all over it. She pushes me down and slides in next to me, pressing herself into me and kissing me again.
And I feel caught in a riptide. I’m getting pulled deeper and deeper. But I want it. I want it to take me all the way under and never let me up.
Her hands explore and I pull her tighter, feeling things stir deep inside me. Something primal, but undeniable. Lust.
No. Love. I love her. Is it wrong to want to be close to someone you love?
I’m drowning in her as my hands move over her back, her waist, and slide under her shirt.
She pulls back. “Stop!”
I take my hands off her and hold them up, hating myself for going too fast. What’s wrong with me? “I’m sorry. I lost control. It won’t happen again.”
She buries her face in her hands. “It’s not that. I want to be with you, but…”
I gather her back into my arms, the tension in my chest easing. “What is it, then?”
She lifts her head and looks at me, unsure and scared. I go suddenly cold inside, convinced she’s changed her mind about me.
Her lashes lower. “If I tell you, you’ll leave.”
“If I promise not to…?”
“It won’t matter.”
“Try me.”
Her eyes lift to mine, and she stares for a moment longer before pushing off the couch and walking to the window, where she stands staring out into the parking lot for a long time. When her voice comes, it’s heavy with the weight of the world. “I’m no angel, Gray.”
I start. How can she know? Ianto?
She turns back to me, and the dim lights reflect off the damp sheen of her cheeks. “I’ve been with guys…lots of guys.”
My insides unclench as a long, relieved sigh escapes my chest. She doesn’t know. And she’ll be safe now. I’ll make sure of it. No one will ever get near enough to hurt her again. Not without coming through me first.
I stand and move slowly to the window. “Who you’ve loved in the past-”
Her face twists and her eyes turn to stone. “I didn’t love them!” she spits.
I feel my eyes widen as everything goes cold. “Oh.”
The pain in her voice nearly kills me. I step toward her to comfort her, but she holds up a hand and backs off a step. “I do what I have to do to survive.” She turns back to the window as her voice breaks and she tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle a sob.
“I’m so sorry, Elle.” I slide closer and lay my hand on her shoulder. I feel so helpless.
She flinches away from my touch and strides into the kitchen, plucking a paring knife off the counter. She rolls the handle in her fingers, scaring me with thoughts of what she might do, before grasping the handle and plunging the tip into the linoleum countertop.
“What can I do?” The crushing pressure in my chest is almost unbearable.
She turns to me, eyes hard even through the tears. “Just go.”
“I’m not leaving you. Not like this.” I take a step toward her and hold out my hand, but her eyes flash fury as she backs away.
“I don’t want you feeling sorry for me. Just get the hell out.”
But I don’t stop. I step slowly toward her, needing to do something. “No.”
“What, you won’t leave until you get some?” she says, her face twisting in angry sarcasm. “You’re just like all the others.” She turns back to the counter and looks as though she’s going to pull the knife from the countertop.
My insides contract into a hard ball. She needs to know I’m different, but how? I focus on her-how I feel about her -and radiate it out, trying to make her understand.
“No,” I say softly as I approach. “I won’t go until you know I was serious when I said I loved you.”
She turns, her eyes wide. “You can’t love me. I’m unlovable.”
I reach her and carefully slide my arms around her waist. “But I do.”
Her eyes drop to the floor. “Well, I hate you.”
“If that’s what you need…”
She leans into me, her hands flat on my chest, and I pull her close. “I hate you,” she says again.
I kiss the top of her head and bury my face in her hair. “I love you.”
She presses into me and I’m on fire. And when she kisses me, it’s like lighting a fuse. The slow burn consumes me.
I know I need to back off, for a lot of reasons. She’s vulnerable right now, and I mustn’t take advantage of her. And there’s also the wings thing. I’m pretty sure this is a line I can’t cross and still keep them. But it’s almost impossible.
I need her so much, it’s almost as if she were the heart I don’t have. A vital piece of me that’s missing.
I find the strength to pull away from her. “Elle…I can’t right now.”
She pushes me, hard. “Because I’m too disgusting.”
“No. Absolutely not. It’s nothing like that.” I place my hand on her chest, over her heart, and feel it thump under my fingers. She is my heart.
She slides out from between me and the counter. “Yeah, right. Just get out.” She storms to the door and opens it.
I stand here, feeling the empty black hole that is my insides collapsing down on itself. I need to leave before things get out of control. But not like this.
“Elle…”
“Just go.”
I walk over to her, but hesitate at the door. I want to show her I’m serious, that I don’t just want sex. I stop in front of her and kiss her forehead. My lips move to her ear. “We’re going to do this right, Elle. I just need a little time.”
How long did it take Jack to turn Ianto?
A few weeks? A month?
For Elle, I can wait that long. And, in the meantime, there’s got to be something I can do to reverse her tag.
Hope swells inside me, filling me to bursting. I just have to be strong for a little while.
I can do this.
But when her eyes connect with mine, I feel a white-hot surge of desire so powerful that I can’t think of anything but the feel of her against me. Fire rips through me, burning away any doubt I had. I’ve never felt need like this before- totally raw and all-consuming. She closes the door and reaches for my face, bringing it to hers again.
Everything from there happens in a blur-kissing, fumbling with clothes. And then we’re on the floor, her body against mine. I work so hard to stop, to make myself think. But when she pulls me closer and whispers in my ear, “I love you,” there’s nothing I can do. Everything I am becomes part of her.
Elle pulls her face out of my shoulder. “I really do need to go to work. Plus my hip is killing me.” She shifts on the floor, rubbing her hip, and gives me a shaky smile. “The couch would have been much more comfortable.”
I grab her T-shirt from the floor next to us, wrap it around her, and hold on tight. There’s not a word to describe what I’m feeling. Bliss doesn’t even begin to cover it. I lift my face from her hair and look into her eyes. She’s smiling at me. Which means she must be okay with what we did.
And, apparently, so am I.
At first, as much as I wanted her, I wasn’t really one hundred percent focused on Elle, because I was sure this was it. I kept waiting for the avengers. But as it went on-and on, I think with a smile-I was able to really be with her, to lose myself completely. And the sensation was more than I expected or ever could have hoped. Maybe I was right. If it’s love…maybe I’m allowed to have it.
She untangles herself from me and pulls up off the floor. I prop up onto my elbow and watch her walk to the bathroom, then get up and tug on my clothes, feeling a little awkward.
What’s supposed to happen now? Do I stay? Do I leave?
What’s protocol?
I opt for a seat on the couch and admire her from afar as she gets ready for work. When she steps to the door, dressed in a T-shirt and faded jeans, I pull myself up and follow her. I wrap an arm around her waist, sweep her hair off her face, and kiss her. Her hands are on my face, and when she tips her head and pulls me deeper into the kiss, an electric jolt shoots through me and I catch myself glowing a little. I rein back my power when I feel her jump at the shock.
She pulls back, smiling. “Wow.”
“Yeah…wow.” I smile back and work hard not to glow. Her smile turns shy and her eyes drop from mine. “So, if you want to hang here, you can. I’ll be back around eight.” Her expression is hopeful as her eyes flick back to mine. She slides her hand into her pocket and hands me a key. “I have an extra.”
“Don’t you think you’re trusting me a little too easily?”
She arches an eyebrow. “Are you saying I shouldn’t?”
The key vanishes into my fist. “No. I just hope you aren’t handing out keys to every guy you meet.”
It’s not even out of my mouth before I wish I could suck it back in.
Her face darkens and she grabs at my hand. “Give it back.”
I hold my hand back, and when she lunges for it, I grab her around the waist and pull her tight to me. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I just worry about you.”
She pushes away and looks at me, her eyes wary.
“And I’ll be here when you get home,” I add. I pull her closer and whisper in her ear. “I love you.”
Her eyes clear but she doesn’t kiss me good-bye. I watch her walk down the hall, hoping I haven’t completely screwed everything up, then phase into Ianto’s apartment. Jack scowls into the depths of a mug of forgotten coffee and picks at cold food with his fork. His forehead is in his other palm, his fingers tangled in his hair, and his elbow on the table. Ianto swirls the coffee in his mug and stares at him from across the table.
Trouble in paradise?
Is it wrong that this makes me happy? This was already the best day of my existence. Could it be about to get better?
I pull myself up and sit on the counter, unable to stop the grin. “What’s up?”
Jack pulls his head from his hand. “Shut up. I’m trying to focus.”
My brows rise quizzically at Ianto.
“He’s trying to use his Sway on Owen,” he explains.
“To-?” I ask.
“Get him to stay away from Naburus.”
Jack stands and walks to the bed, where he lays on his back with a forearm over his eyes.
I look over at him. “So you’re just going to lie there all day and tell Owen that Naburus is a scumbag and he doesn’t want him?”
“I have to try something. It’s my fault he’s with him. I can’t just sit around while he tags his soul.”
I glare at Ianto, who winces.
“Call me, call me, call me…,” he mutters.
I walk over and nudge Jack’s knee. “If you need me, I’ll be outside.”
“Fine,” he says from under his arm.
I phase, but it’s not into the hall. I go back to Elle’s. A shuddering thrill works through me. She gave me a key. I’m welcome here…invited. I don’t have to hover in the hall anymore.
I can’t wipe the smile off my face as I wander through the apartment. In the bathroom, I find a bottle of her perfume on the sink. I bring it to my nose, but it’s disappointing. It’s not the same before it’s touched her skin.
I guess the same could be said for me. I’m not the same angel I was before this morning. Being with Elle has changed everything.
Staring at myself in the mirror over the sink, one thing becomes glaringly apparent, even in the dim light of the flickering fluorescents. I can’t focus on Jack when all I care about is Elle. I need to find a way to reverse her tag. That’s my new mission. I’ll have to talk to John.