But hey, who's on trial?
so yeah. people seem to think that i'm depressed. i'm really not. i just get melancholy sometimes. ha, that word always reminds me of dominguez's class. i really do miss that man. i just pick weird times to think about serious issues in my life. bad timing, but merh..... I really do like the sonnets though. They're so pretty and idealized.
here's the weird thing. most girls spend their lives looking for someone who loves them for who they are, and who thinks they are the most beautiful girl on the planet, and who accepts and loves them even though they might be overweight or cynical. and i found a guy like that. and i want to throw it away. why?
but at the same time, how can one person so regret something, and yet so want something else that they hurt inside? maybe it's just the idea of compatibility that starts things. but in life, there is no set reality to love, or even like. Only lust. and isn't that what it eventually all comes down to in the beginning and the end? Isn't that how we make all our decisions at this stage in our lives? we lust after another person, or something about them. and we can't control it (unless you are an exceptionally strong willed person who has a serious emotional block), and when we try, it hurts more. Life is just that....
We are so afraid of being hurt and of losing what we want, that we hurt others, and ironically, ourselves.
some of the above may make no sense. most of it doesn't to me either. but it's the only way to help the pain. again, see first sentence of this entry and try to beleive it. i am.
I really have no idea what to think about life right now. There's so many parts of me saying so many different things, and other parts conflicting those things, and hope, and pessimism, which is starting to win, and lots of other emotions that i wish i didn't have to worry about. I think I may just have to go with the flow. i've never been a good swimmer anyway.
here's the weird thing. most girls spend their lives looking for someone who loves them for who they are, and who thinks they are the most beautiful girl on the planet, and who accepts and loves them even though they might be overweight or cynical. and i found a guy like that. and i want to throw it away. why?
but at the same time, how can one person so regret something, and yet so want something else that they hurt inside? maybe it's just the idea of compatibility that starts things. but in life, there is no set reality to love, or even like. Only lust. and isn't that what it eventually all comes down to in the beginning and the end? Isn't that how we make all our decisions at this stage in our lives? we lust after another person, or something about them. and we can't control it (unless you are an exceptionally strong willed person who has a serious emotional block), and when we try, it hurts more. Life is just that....
We are so afraid of being hurt and of losing what we want, that we hurt others, and ironically, ourselves.
some of the above may make no sense. most of it doesn't to me either. but it's the only way to help the pain. again, see first sentence of this entry and try to beleive it. i am.
I really have no idea what to think about life right now. There's so many parts of me saying so many different things, and other parts conflicting those things, and hope, and pessimism, which is starting to win, and lots of other emotions that i wish i didn't have to worry about. I think I may just have to go with the flow. i've never been a good swimmer anyway.