moistlampswath

[madamexmouse]

last night and tonight i stopped again by spring hill to see his garden. i'm going to call it that now, because it inspires a little more hope than 'grave'. i don't always feel so sullen when i'm up there, and i like to think of him as a seed anyway. there is a street lamp that throws amber light in a swath directly over him, and no one else. it's too strange. it's our night-light. so after taking company home, i visited him, really comprehending that he's down there. for a few seconds it felt nice-he is resting, he's close to me. i could've fallen asleep standing over him. then i want more, because then i realize he's there forever, and that's not okay. i could dig my own hole and each night rest beside him and that'd be alright for a little while, but i'd get tired of waking up in the middle of the night to an absence of his pulse. i was lucky enough to listen to someone's heartbeat last night, but after a while i felt like a cheater, because i really wanted it to be his rhythm, his warmth and his arms and wrists my hands could encircle. sometimes i think it would be enough to wake up next to someone and listen to their heartbeat. more and more often these moments seem like the last moments of a life in this world; their reality and hope become their own fragility. when i'm holding onto whomever's warmth and scent it's like the mirror opposite of the lilies and candles at a wake. sometimes i believe i'm on the other side of life and each attempt to live and be free of it is the same as my spirit's rap on a wooden table. but perceiving it only this way is my choice. i can keep knocking hoping they hear me over there, or i can renounce the guilt i feel for desiring the living and be free of the tiresome sessions with ones i can't understand anyway. they confuse me. the messages are obvious in their emotional purport, but the intentions are completely obscured.
all he can give me now is a new beginning. i don't want to forget, and i know from experience that he won't let me. i want to create something out of the past and all the broken possibilities. i want to keep living for the first time in years.