Reflections
Well, here it is: my last post from Japan. "What?!" you say, "When did this happen?!"
It feels like the first thing I've done as a grown-up. I've been so miserable for so long here. I tried to blame it on other people, on my job, on the country, on the distance, on anything I could, and I realized this weekend that I had no one to blame for being miserable but myself. And my being miserable was just making those who care about me the most miserable because there was nothing they could do for me. The misery and lonliness was stressing me out and it was straining my relationships as well as having incredibly negative effects on my already rocky mental and physical health and I knew that I to make a decision.
And Tuesday this week I bought a seat on a Friday afternoon flight to Baltimore. I'll be there for a while, seeing my parents, family, and friends there and easing my paranoid fears for their safety. Then, around the 22nd or so, Katie and I will make our way back to Denton where I'll start setting up my life again.
I can almost hear it now: people giving me shit for coming back to Denton after I made such a big deal about leaving. I've thought about that too as I've been doing this soul-searching and I've come to several realizations. In the past, as I've been living in Denton and coming back to Denton, it's never been my decision: it's always been a necessity. And anytime you live in a place for so long feeling like you're being forced to be there you will become jaded by the place. But, as a good friend pointed out to me, it's only natural that I've developed an attachment to the city, and after being in such a foreign environment for so long it's only natural that I would want to return to the security of the area. This time, I've made a decision to come back. I want to be in Denton.
I'll take this time to make some other points clear. Since I'm giving out this URL to my co-workers as I leave, I hope that some of them will read this. I want everyone at NOVA to know that it wasn't the people, the company, or the students that made me miserable in Japan. As I said before, I tried to blame it on those factors for months, but in the end I have no one to blame but myself. When I took this job, I thought I was mature and strong enough to handle the huge lifestyle change it would require, but I know now that I was wrong. This isn't a good thing or a bad thing: it's just a realization. I will miss my job. I loved teaching, especially the Kids Club lessons, and I will look back with fond memories on all the experiences I had. I've also met some amazing people here that I hope I will be able to keep in touch with despite the abruptness of my departure and the distance between us now.
And don't worry: I don't blame my misery on Japan anymore. When I left Gaidai, I had this totally glowing vision of Japan and my experiences in Gifu, while not necessarily negative, have made my view of the country more realistic. I still love Japan. The culture in this country is amazing and the people are wonderful, but it does have it's share of problems. And I have serious issues with some of these problems, but now I have a better understanding of things now. I still want to study Japan, and I plan to return here one day, when I'm ready.
Its amazing the power that making this kind of decision on your own gives you. I feel like I've turned over a new leaf in my personality and life. I feel like I can handle pressure and change better now, and I owe that to my experiences in Japan and through NOVA. At first, I was overwhelmed by guilt at my abrupt departure, but, as my coworkers have reassured me over and over again, they, the company, and the students are more concerned for my health and happiness than they are about perhaps having to take an MM lesson or changing teachers in a Kids class mid-month.
And so I'm done. This chapter in my life is over. It was shorter than I expected, but it was fuller than I thought it would be. Admittedly, I'm scared about the future. I don't really know what's going to happen to me now. It's kind of scary, but I'm ready for whatever the future wants to bring me.
It feels like the first thing I've done as a grown-up. I've been so miserable for so long here. I tried to blame it on other people, on my job, on the country, on the distance, on anything I could, and I realized this weekend that I had no one to blame for being miserable but myself. And my being miserable was just making those who care about me the most miserable because there was nothing they could do for me. The misery and lonliness was stressing me out and it was straining my relationships as well as having incredibly negative effects on my already rocky mental and physical health and I knew that I to make a decision.
And Tuesday this week I bought a seat on a Friday afternoon flight to Baltimore. I'll be there for a while, seeing my parents, family, and friends there and easing my paranoid fears for their safety. Then, around the 22nd or so, Katie and I will make our way back to Denton where I'll start setting up my life again.
I can almost hear it now: people giving me shit for coming back to Denton after I made such a big deal about leaving. I've thought about that too as I've been doing this soul-searching and I've come to several realizations. In the past, as I've been living in Denton and coming back to Denton, it's never been my decision: it's always been a necessity. And anytime you live in a place for so long feeling like you're being forced to be there you will become jaded by the place. But, as a good friend pointed out to me, it's only natural that I've developed an attachment to the city, and after being in such a foreign environment for so long it's only natural that I would want to return to the security of the area. This time, I've made a decision to come back. I want to be in Denton.
I'll take this time to make some other points clear. Since I'm giving out this URL to my co-workers as I leave, I hope that some of them will read this. I want everyone at NOVA to know that it wasn't the people, the company, or the students that made me miserable in Japan. As I said before, I tried to blame it on those factors for months, but in the end I have no one to blame but myself. When I took this job, I thought I was mature and strong enough to handle the huge lifestyle change it would require, but I know now that I was wrong. This isn't a good thing or a bad thing: it's just a realization. I will miss my job. I loved teaching, especially the Kids Club lessons, and I will look back with fond memories on all the experiences I had. I've also met some amazing people here that I hope I will be able to keep in touch with despite the abruptness of my departure and the distance between us now.
And don't worry: I don't blame my misery on Japan anymore. When I left Gaidai, I had this totally glowing vision of Japan and my experiences in Gifu, while not necessarily negative, have made my view of the country more realistic. I still love Japan. The culture in this country is amazing and the people are wonderful, but it does have it's share of problems. And I have serious issues with some of these problems, but now I have a better understanding of things now. I still want to study Japan, and I plan to return here one day, when I'm ready.
Its amazing the power that making this kind of decision on your own gives you. I feel like I've turned over a new leaf in my personality and life. I feel like I can handle pressure and change better now, and I owe that to my experiences in Japan and through NOVA. At first, I was overwhelmed by guilt at my abrupt departure, but, as my coworkers have reassured me over and over again, they, the company, and the students are more concerned for my health and happiness than they are about perhaps having to take an MM lesson or changing teachers in a Kids class mid-month.
And so I'm done. This chapter in my life is over. It was shorter than I expected, but it was fuller than I thought it would be. Admittedly, I'm scared about the future. I don't really know what's going to happen to me now. It's kind of scary, but I'm ready for whatever the future wants to bring me.