Diva and Grief
So! In late August, didorothy was dropped at realityshifted, which affected Diva pretty majorly. Before I get into how she's dealing, a little bit of background on why this is so important--
A few posts after Diva arrived at realityshifted, Diva made a friend of Sam Tyler, and his excellent moral compass started to lead her down the path of good. At first she was listening him for totally selfish reasons, but as she started to lose her Chevalier, and eventually ended up losing them all and dying herself, Diva took her promise much more seriously. She has the unusual mentality of wanting to be "possessed," or, to be important to someone. When Amshel died, this effectively switched over to Sam, who did care for her, but showed her more kindness than she had ever received from Amshel. So, unsurprisingly, she loved him very very deeply to the point I wasn't sure if I'd be able to play her well if Sam dropped.
However, Sam dropping did make Diva lose her shit, and she basically forgot everything he had taught her for roughly a month and just started...killing people reflexively. She was extremely disturbed, and so much as a word that she might associate with Sam would set her off. This eventually led to her developing pretty serious psychosis, not helped at all by handfulofstraw. Since she was getting attached to him instead, this lead to a reality merger, which then got her sent to Arkham Asylum once she essentially went on a murderous rampage in a crowd of people.
Arkham obviously didn't help Diva, and made some things worse, just because of its similarity (to her) to the Tower. measureslunacy did not help this by firmly believing that she was deluded enough to believe that she was a vampire, and effectively starved her for the first week she was there. He eventually came to the conclusion that Diva was anemic, and she gets blood transfusions that keep her alive, but weak. It's a win-win for Arkham, but very distressing to Diva.
So, all of these circumstances had combined in such a way that I'm writing this essay because I'm not sure if I'm playing her grief as well as I should be. But writing things helps me get ideas, so that's why this is here.
One of the main parts about Diva's grief is her reluctance to really "let go" of Sam, but at the same time really wanting t push away the memories that hurt her. She's extremely contradictory, and it shows if you look at different threads. Sometimes, she's cruel, conniving, and cold, but in others, she's still just as warm and nice as her character development with Sam had left her. While it is influenced by who she's talking to, it's not always that factor that influences it. For example, in one thread with Lucy, she clings very firmly to the idea that she "belongs" in Arkham for the "terrible things" she had done. She clings to her newfound morality because it's her only real link to Sam. But it's not absolute. She will still do cruel things for the sake of being cruel, but she hesitates, which is a big difference. She wants to stay with Sam's morality, but at the same time, she feels that she can't because of the company she's in.
On the Plane, it isn't as obvious that Diva is suffering as it is in her home reality. Jerry forces her to go to sleep every so often (believing that she needs it), but every time she is tormented by nightmares. Now, that's part of the game mechanics, and why Diva stopped sleeping in the first place, but these are a step up from what she had been experiencing before. In addition, Diva is mostly silent off of the Plane, and will only talk to Arkham, or the other Plane!Arkham inmates through the vents, though rarely. Instead she reverts back to her Tower-behavior of singing, sometimes for hours at a time. Doctors had always been a fear of hers, but she had gotten much better since coming to the Plane. That progress had been virtually eliminated and she will instead very violently lash out at anyone that tries to approach her, save for Arkham. She doesn't like him, but she does realize that he's the only way that she can truly leave. It's also possible that at some level she realizes he could help her, but he's such a dick it's hard to say.
Now, the part that is harder for me to wrap my head around is her behavior towards people on the Plane. Off the Plane, people essentially don't exist to her anymore because of her detachment, but the people on the Plane are very real. But she's more distant. Losing Sam made her doubt the merit of getting close to people (with the idea that they could get taken away at any moment) and Dr. Crane revealing himself to be Scarecrow made her withdraw further. Diva is usually very open about things! But now she is being more vague than she would be, usually. This is hampered lately because of the Tarot plot where Diva's self-discipline has been decreasing, but it's still evident. She'll reference Sam, but just mention that he left the Plane and that she loved him. There's no emotion in admitting it, and she'll say it like it isn't as important as it really is.
But to most people, she's still perfectly cheerful and at first glance, quite open. Someone who doesn't know her very well wouldn't be able to tell, but there's simply not...the vigor she had. She's colder to people, even those she cares about. Diva doesn't exactly suppress her true feelings completely, but much like her canon personality, it lies just under an icy surface. The cheerfulness and cruelty that she showed in the series was a front for the anger and hurt that she really felt towards her situation/Saya. It's similar to that.
However, unlike the canon personality, Diva is...pretty depressed. Once again, this isn't surprising. But this makes her extremely vulnerable, emotionally, and is why Crane was able to take advantage of, and manipulate her so easily. Similarly, it's why Diva is drawn to the Master (Or Farrah's characters, either or). He has Sam's face, but none of his morality, which is simultaneously attractive and distancing to Diva. However, the Master has something Sam really didn't--a forceful personality. Diva is uncomfortable around him because she realizes that and realizes how dangerous it could potentially be.
But returning to her sense of morality, the one interesting trait that has really developed less as a result of Sam leaving, and more her breaking her promise to him to try and be a good person, Diva has a sense of masochism now. It's why she returns to Arkham. She knows that she's done something bad, so she desires punishment. The desire comes from the idea that if she's punished, then she can eventually be forgiven. It's not great logic, but hey, this is Diva. But this is also an good point to bring up a new character that has affected Diva, and quite specifically in her desire to be forgiven.
Tamaki is an unusual character, to Diva. She likes him! But not on a terribly significant level. But seeing the damage that she had done by being honest about her crimes made her really realize the effect of what she had done. Diva's mind works in a purely selfish fashion, so she can't understand negative things unless they directly affect her. They just, generally, can't. Losing the chance for what could have been a nice friendship really drove in the idea that she was a bad person (she freely calls herself a monster) but even moreso made her realize the gravity of what breaking her promise to Sam meant. So, as if Tamaki were a medium to Sam, she is very desperately trying to patch up their friendship. The problem is that Diva is simply not experienced in trying to do this kind of thing, and is making it worse, more than anything.
In addition, escaping the asylum very recently (as in, tonight, haha) has made her realize how much she's lost. Her mergers with Hei and Deadpool are now completely gone, so she knows that Manchester will likely disappear next. This is, of course, not good at all. So rather than pushing memories away even privately, Diva is shifted to the opposite spectrum and will instead obsess over trying to remember them so that she can keep Sam's reality as long as possible.
Diva is not exactly a stable character to begin with. Not in the slightest, really. It's not even much of a stretch to say that she's very self-destructive and will subconsciously destroy the things that she values. At this point, she's trying to deal with her grief, to varying degrees of success. She's able to function almost perfectly as she had been before on the surface, but she'll still have moments where she'll be confronted face-to-face with her demons and will avert her eyes as if she can ignore them that way.
I don't think she'll ever get over Sam within the scope of a RP setting, but I am enjoying the character development it's bringing her. It's helping her realize the lessons that Sam was trying to teach (also to varying degrees of success), but most of the time in painful ways. Her morality is developing in baby-steps to the point where she is starting to feel legitimate objections to hurting others, but at the same time, the majority of her closest circle of friends are people that, you know, enjoy that activity. A lot.
It depends, really, on who Diva relies on next. At this point, there's not anyone that can clearly fit that role. She's still closest to Crane, but she's taking his advice with several grains of salt. Instead, the character that's threatening this development the most is the Master. Which, depending on how that developing CR goes, could warrant another giant essay on her issues.
SO. If you read that, please ask questions or comment or whatever. Doing back and forth is helpful /o/
A few posts after Diva arrived at realityshifted, Diva made a friend of Sam Tyler, and his excellent moral compass started to lead her down the path of good. At first she was listening him for totally selfish reasons, but as she started to lose her Chevalier, and eventually ended up losing them all and dying herself, Diva took her promise much more seriously. She has the unusual mentality of wanting to be "possessed," or, to be important to someone. When Amshel died, this effectively switched over to Sam, who did care for her, but showed her more kindness than she had ever received from Amshel. So, unsurprisingly, she loved him very very deeply to the point I wasn't sure if I'd be able to play her well if Sam dropped.
However, Sam dropping did make Diva lose her shit, and she basically forgot everything he had taught her for roughly a month and just started...killing people reflexively. She was extremely disturbed, and so much as a word that she might associate with Sam would set her off. This eventually led to her developing pretty serious psychosis, not helped at all by handfulofstraw. Since she was getting attached to him instead, this lead to a reality merger, which then got her sent to Arkham Asylum once she essentially went on a murderous rampage in a crowd of people.
Arkham obviously didn't help Diva, and made some things worse, just because of its similarity (to her) to the Tower. measureslunacy did not help this by firmly believing that she was deluded enough to believe that she was a vampire, and effectively starved her for the first week she was there. He eventually came to the conclusion that Diva was anemic, and she gets blood transfusions that keep her alive, but weak. It's a win-win for Arkham, but very distressing to Diva.
So, all of these circumstances had combined in such a way that I'm writing this essay because I'm not sure if I'm playing her grief as well as I should be. But writing things helps me get ideas, so that's why this is here.
One of the main parts about Diva's grief is her reluctance to really "let go" of Sam, but at the same time really wanting t push away the memories that hurt her. She's extremely contradictory, and it shows if you look at different threads. Sometimes, she's cruel, conniving, and cold, but in others, she's still just as warm and nice as her character development with Sam had left her. While it is influenced by who she's talking to, it's not always that factor that influences it. For example, in one thread with Lucy, she clings very firmly to the idea that she "belongs" in Arkham for the "terrible things" she had done. She clings to her newfound morality because it's her only real link to Sam. But it's not absolute. She will still do cruel things for the sake of being cruel, but she hesitates, which is a big difference. She wants to stay with Sam's morality, but at the same time, she feels that she can't because of the company she's in.
On the Plane, it isn't as obvious that Diva is suffering as it is in her home reality. Jerry forces her to go to sleep every so often (believing that she needs it), but every time she is tormented by nightmares. Now, that's part of the game mechanics, and why Diva stopped sleeping in the first place, but these are a step up from what she had been experiencing before. In addition, Diva is mostly silent off of the Plane, and will only talk to Arkham, or the other Plane!Arkham inmates through the vents, though rarely. Instead she reverts back to her Tower-behavior of singing, sometimes for hours at a time. Doctors had always been a fear of hers, but she had gotten much better since coming to the Plane. That progress had been virtually eliminated and she will instead very violently lash out at anyone that tries to approach her, save for Arkham. She doesn't like him, but she does realize that he's the only way that she can truly leave. It's also possible that at some level she realizes he could help her, but he's such a dick it's hard to say.
Now, the part that is harder for me to wrap my head around is her behavior towards people on the Plane. Off the Plane, people essentially don't exist to her anymore because of her detachment, but the people on the Plane are very real. But she's more distant. Losing Sam made her doubt the merit of getting close to people (with the idea that they could get taken away at any moment) and Dr. Crane revealing himself to be Scarecrow made her withdraw further. Diva is usually very open about things! But now she is being more vague than she would be, usually. This is hampered lately because of the Tarot plot where Diva's self-discipline has been decreasing, but it's still evident. She'll reference Sam, but just mention that he left the Plane and that she loved him. There's no emotion in admitting it, and she'll say it like it isn't as important as it really is.
But to most people, she's still perfectly cheerful and at first glance, quite open. Someone who doesn't know her very well wouldn't be able to tell, but there's simply not...the vigor she had. She's colder to people, even those she cares about. Diva doesn't exactly suppress her true feelings completely, but much like her canon personality, it lies just under an icy surface. The cheerfulness and cruelty that she showed in the series was a front for the anger and hurt that she really felt towards her situation/Saya. It's similar to that.
However, unlike the canon personality, Diva is...pretty depressed. Once again, this isn't surprising. But this makes her extremely vulnerable, emotionally, and is why Crane was able to take advantage of, and manipulate her so easily. Similarly, it's why Diva is drawn to the Master (Or Farrah's characters, either or). He has Sam's face, but none of his morality, which is simultaneously attractive and distancing to Diva. However, the Master has something Sam really didn't--a forceful personality. Diva is uncomfortable around him because she realizes that and realizes how dangerous it could potentially be.
But returning to her sense of morality, the one interesting trait that has really developed less as a result of Sam leaving, and more her breaking her promise to him to try and be a good person, Diva has a sense of masochism now. It's why she returns to Arkham. She knows that she's done something bad, so she desires punishment. The desire comes from the idea that if she's punished, then she can eventually be forgiven. It's not great logic, but hey, this is Diva. But this is also an good point to bring up a new character that has affected Diva, and quite specifically in her desire to be forgiven.
Tamaki is an unusual character, to Diva. She likes him! But not on a terribly significant level. But seeing the damage that she had done by being honest about her crimes made her really realize the effect of what she had done. Diva's mind works in a purely selfish fashion, so she can't understand negative things unless they directly affect her. They just, generally, can't. Losing the chance for what could have been a nice friendship really drove in the idea that she was a bad person (she freely calls herself a monster) but even moreso made her realize the gravity of what breaking her promise to Sam meant. So, as if Tamaki were a medium to Sam, she is very desperately trying to patch up their friendship. The problem is that Diva is simply not experienced in trying to do this kind of thing, and is making it worse, more than anything.
In addition, escaping the asylum very recently (as in, tonight, haha) has made her realize how much she's lost. Her mergers with Hei and Deadpool are now completely gone, so she knows that Manchester will likely disappear next. This is, of course, not good at all. So rather than pushing memories away even privately, Diva is shifted to the opposite spectrum and will instead obsess over trying to remember them so that she can keep Sam's reality as long as possible.
Diva is not exactly a stable character to begin with. Not in the slightest, really. It's not even much of a stretch to say that she's very self-destructive and will subconsciously destroy the things that she values. At this point, she's trying to deal with her grief, to varying degrees of success. She's able to function almost perfectly as she had been before on the surface, but she'll still have moments where she'll be confronted face-to-face with her demons and will avert her eyes as if she can ignore them that way.
I don't think she'll ever get over Sam within the scope of a RP setting, but I am enjoying the character development it's bringing her. It's helping her realize the lessons that Sam was trying to teach (also to varying degrees of success), but most of the time in painful ways. Her morality is developing in baby-steps to the point where she is starting to feel legitimate objections to hurting others, but at the same time, the majority of her closest circle of friends are people that, you know, enjoy that activity. A lot.
It depends, really, on who Diva relies on next. At this point, there's not anyone that can clearly fit that role. She's still closest to Crane, but she's taking his advice with several grains of salt. Instead, the character that's threatening this development the most is the Master. Which, depending on how that developing CR goes, could warrant another giant essay on her issues.
SO. If you read that, please ask questions or comment or whatever. Doing back and forth is helpful /o/