(no subject)
I never, never should have left Mr. Holmes. No matter how much he insisted or ordered, or even if he had taken me out of the parlour himself. I ran out because he had insistently been telling me to, and I did not want to cry right there and complicate things further, but I ought not - I never should have - left.
There, I am crying again…
I know not how it got there or what inspired it to do so, but there was a very large wolf in the parlour, chewing on what was presumably Liza’s dinner just as calmly as if he had been a resident of the mansion alongside us. Liza did not seem greatly perturbed by it, nor did the Count, but I was greatly disturbed by its presence - perhaps not as greatly as the experience in the woods with that other wolf, but still very much so. Perhaps, as much as it shames me, I must own a coward’s heart after all, for our other two companions were not dismayed in the slightest, and my reaction was shameful. And perhaps that is why - oh, Lord, if that is why Mr. Holmes insisted on keeping his revolver out and pointed at the animal, because of me…! I could never forgive myself if harm has come to him on my account. I could not - I still do not - see why we could not all leave the parlour at once; I do not think the wolf would have followed, he quite seemed to ignore us after a while. I had never seen Mr. Holmes so insistent; he positively directed me to leave the room at once, and probably would have shaken me to my senses (as I am sure I well deserved) had I not finally obeyed him. I had argued and pleaded with him long enough; I knew he would not come, that he was bent on this mission, whatever it was, and that I had no other choice but to leave him there. I did so, and each moment that has passed since then has seen my bitter regret. I should never have left him! These hours are endless and interminable while I still do not know what has become of him, but I know that when the time comes I will hardly have the heart to pull my stiff limbs to the parlour or to his own room, lest the truth that greets me in either place is too much to be bourne.
I still hear his words vividly, still see the expression as he took my hand.
Mina.
If you call them all up here, the wolf will surely follow.
Let me please get you safely into your room.
Please.
Let me do this. Miss Murray.
He is too good, too noble; the world may be darkness entire and still it would be illuminated with one light such as his. If he has been hurt…! But I cannot follow that train of thought; I shall never stop crying at this rate, and I shall alarm Lucy…oh, would that he, in seeking to be so noble and protect us all, may himself be protected! I cannot envision the mansion without him - how very fortunate we all are to have him here; how very dear a friend he is. I do not think I would have made it to my room properly after leaving the parlour in such a state had not the Count gone with me to ensure my safety…at Mr. Holmes’ request. How very fortunate we are to know them both, and their immeasurable kindness. It is silly of me - I cannot help it, I suppose - but I cannot help but feel at times that they truly are too good, and there is nothing I can do to repay their generosity except to add to their concerns and endanger them further. Would that such is not the case, if it is God’s will!
But what wracks my heart the most is the one pledge that, if it has placed him in danger in any way - danger that surely would not have come to him were it not for me - I could not respect myself further, not if I have brought destruction upon one who is surely too kind, surely more than I could ever hope to deserve. It was an unexpected sweetness when spoken; now, in retrospect, having possibly put his words into action, I feel only a sting.
I would do anything to keep the darkness from you.
There, I am crying again…
I know not how it got there or what inspired it to do so, but there was a very large wolf in the parlour, chewing on what was presumably Liza’s dinner just as calmly as if he had been a resident of the mansion alongside us. Liza did not seem greatly perturbed by it, nor did the Count, but I was greatly disturbed by its presence - perhaps not as greatly as the experience in the woods with that other wolf, but still very much so. Perhaps, as much as it shames me, I must own a coward’s heart after all, for our other two companions were not dismayed in the slightest, and my reaction was shameful. And perhaps that is why - oh, Lord, if that is why Mr. Holmes insisted on keeping his revolver out and pointed at the animal, because of me…! I could never forgive myself if harm has come to him on my account. I could not - I still do not - see why we could not all leave the parlour at once; I do not think the wolf would have followed, he quite seemed to ignore us after a while. I had never seen Mr. Holmes so insistent; he positively directed me to leave the room at once, and probably would have shaken me to my senses (as I am sure I well deserved) had I not finally obeyed him. I had argued and pleaded with him long enough; I knew he would not come, that he was bent on this mission, whatever it was, and that I had no other choice but to leave him there. I did so, and each moment that has passed since then has seen my bitter regret. I should never have left him! These hours are endless and interminable while I still do not know what has become of him, but I know that when the time comes I will hardly have the heart to pull my stiff limbs to the parlour or to his own room, lest the truth that greets me in either place is too much to be bourne.
I still hear his words vividly, still see the expression as he took my hand.
Mina.
If you call them all up here, the wolf will surely follow.
Let me please get you safely into your room.
Please.
Let me do this. Miss Murray.
He is too good, too noble; the world may be darkness entire and still it would be illuminated with one light such as his. If he has been hurt…! But I cannot follow that train of thought; I shall never stop crying at this rate, and I shall alarm Lucy…oh, would that he, in seeking to be so noble and protect us all, may himself be protected! I cannot envision the mansion without him - how very fortunate we all are to have him here; how very dear a friend he is. I do not think I would have made it to my room properly after leaving the parlour in such a state had not the Count gone with me to ensure my safety…at Mr. Holmes’ request. How very fortunate we are to know them both, and their immeasurable kindness. It is silly of me - I cannot help it, I suppose - but I cannot help but feel at times that they truly are too good, and there is nothing I can do to repay their generosity except to add to their concerns and endanger them further. Would that such is not the case, if it is God’s will!
But what wracks my heart the most is the one pledge that, if it has placed him in danger in any way - danger that surely would not have come to him were it not for me - I could not respect myself further, not if I have brought destruction upon one who is surely too kind, surely more than I could ever hope to deserve. It was an unexpected sweetness when spoken; now, in retrospect, having possibly put his words into action, I feel only a sting.
I would do anything to keep the darkness from you.