You go, roommate
My Life Sucks Penises
Additional Highlights from the Screenplay that IS our ACTUAL Lives Right Now
by Officially Displaced Drummond
Roomate's Dad: Er. Um. Look at the river. I am a replica of John Drummond.
Katie: Jesus, your dad is a replica of mine.
Roommate: I live in the basement.
Cat: Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. I am a needy son-of-a-bitch.
Roommate: I need complex carbohydrates.
Aislin: I need to not break shit in front of bitches.
Katie: I need a fucking cigarette.
Roommate: Word.
Aislin: Word.
Katie: Dad, it is 1 AM, I can't get home, you've been evacuated.
Katie's Dad: Oh. Well, I haven't heard anything and I'm watching a great show on the History network.
Katie: You should call Bob Hale, maybe you two can watch it together as you float down the fucking river. Fuckface.
Katie: Hi, I got evacuated from my apartment and only have a $20 bill. Could I have a quarter, by any chance?
Guy working at Glencoe: Um, why a quarter?
Katie: I need it.
Guy working at Glencoe: -------
Katie: For a tampon.
Guy working at Glencoe: Here you go.
Katie: Deb I need to get into the building.
Deb: No can do, sweetie. Power, plumbing, lights, all shut off. Can't letcha in for at least a few days.
Katie: Well, where are you right now?
Deb: I'm in my apartment.
Katie: In the building you won't let me into?
Deb: Yup. In my suite.
Katie: Look, bitch: I have some really important medication to pick up, it is critical to my existence as a human being. Additionally, I am currently wearing sequined heels and a lingerie top, and I have $20 and a tube of lipgloss in my possession. I AM a prostitute right now.
Deb: Fine, here's a flashlight. You have five minutes, just get your medicine and come back down.
Katie: (20 minutes and three duffel bags later) Thanks, retard.
Additional Highlights from the Screenplay that IS our ACTUAL Lives Right Now
by Officially Displaced Drummond
Roomate's Dad: Er. Um. Look at the river. I am a replica of John Drummond.
Katie: Jesus, your dad is a replica of mine.
Roommate: I live in the basement.
Cat: Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. I am a needy son-of-a-bitch.
Roommate: I need complex carbohydrates.
Aislin: I need to not break shit in front of bitches.
Katie: I need a fucking cigarette.
Roommate: Word.
Aislin: Word.
Katie: Dad, it is 1 AM, I can't get home, you've been evacuated.
Katie's Dad: Oh. Well, I haven't heard anything and I'm watching a great show on the History network.
Katie: You should call Bob Hale, maybe you two can watch it together as you float down the fucking river. Fuckface.
Katie: Hi, I got evacuated from my apartment and only have a $20 bill. Could I have a quarter, by any chance?
Guy working at Glencoe: Um, why a quarter?
Katie: I need it.
Guy working at Glencoe: -------
Katie: For a tampon.
Guy working at Glencoe: Here you go.
Katie: Deb I need to get into the building.
Deb: No can do, sweetie. Power, plumbing, lights, all shut off. Can't letcha in for at least a few days.
Katie: Well, where are you right now?
Deb: I'm in my apartment.
Katie: In the building you won't let me into?
Deb: Yup. In my suite.
Katie: Look, bitch: I have some really important medication to pick up, it is critical to my existence as a human being. Additionally, I am currently wearing sequined heels and a lingerie top, and I have $20 and a tube of lipgloss in my possession. I AM a prostitute right now.
Deb: Fine, here's a flashlight. You have five minutes, just get your medicine and come back down.
Katie: (20 minutes and three duffel bags later) Thanks, retard.