Because I love him
One week from today I must meet my reality. For two months now I have successfully avoided it, but last night it was finally too close for me to look anywhere else. A smile said good night and my tears drove me home. When every day is like a clock slowly counting down the minutes for a bomb to explode, it is hard to look at the dwindling time without being taken by fear and the salty wetness. Even through the blur of dampened eyes, that clock is still clear. Tick. Tick. Tick….Today is almost up and tomorrow won’t be any longer. Tick. Tick. Tick…Things won’t be the same. As positive as I have tried to be and still try to be to this very moment, the harsh reality of Paul leaving is more powerful than any optimism and easily breaks my already fragile heart. Skeptics may ask me, “Why are you sad? Why not just move on?” Softly and gently, “Because,” I will say, “I love him.”
Next Tuesday Paul leaves his place here in the Valley to begin his life as a soldier. There is strong and there is Army strong. The strength and training of a United States soldier does not prepare those they are fighting for. My freedom is not worth his pain, sweat, tears, and, maybe one day…his life. My value is so little compared to so many other things, yet he makes this sacrifice for me. It is so hard letting go, afraid of what might happen to him as a soldier, where he might be sent, who he might encounter, and an indefinite amount of time without him. The greater fear, though, lies not in losing a few months with him; my greatest fear is losing the chance at a life with him. Why? Because I love him.
His presence: my delight. His voice: my song. His laughter: my heart beat. His eyes: my precious jewels. All of his beauty lies in imperfection, humility, and the insatiable desire to love and be love. God sent me an angel.
There are those who may doubt the future of my love. Some may think that I shouldn’t wait for him and others may think that it should fizzle and die. I refuse to let either of those win. It might well be thought that I am too young or foolish to make such haughty assertions, ignoring the advice of those who “know.” Over and over again I am asked, “Why are you doing this? Why are you accepting this pain?” With tear-filled eyes I will say, “Because I love him.”
Dear Paul,
You wonder and worry whether I will wait for you. At times you entertain thoughts of someone out there who is “better” for me than you. Over and over you question what will become of this and what will become of us. Lamentations over past mistakes is a regular and imperfection a constant. It is all of this that always brings you to ask, “Why? Why do you stay with me?” Faithfully and sincerely I will say, “Because I love you.” And I want to love you not just today and not just tomorrow, but every day that God gives me breath. You are my love and, no, you are not perfect, but you are the one I choose. There is no one that I can hope for except for you. I cannot imagine a life without you. Always remember: I love you today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
All my love,
Your princess
