'Throbbing pens? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.'
I've been reading scanlations of Fruits Basket since I can't really afford the official manga at the moment, and damn. It is the ONE series that makes me feel emotionally drained when I finish a volume. I never thought I'd feel sympathy for Akito, but to be honest, I find I can relate a lot to her. Not the random outbursts of violence, obviously, or the idea that everyone is supposed to love her, but just her fear of being left alone. That fear that everyone will leave her behind, that everyone else around her will move forward while she's left standing still. It's inevitable that such a thing will happen, and there's no way to stop it, no matter how much you try to cling onto the past or the present. I can understand how she feels, because I'm the same. I feel like I'm the one who's left standing in the past while all the people I love find happiness and make plans and look forward to what's to come.
To be honest, sometimes I think things stopped for me four years ago. That summer when I thought my future was just beginning to take shape and I could see what might happen. Even though I enrolled at university to try and make steps towards a new future, I still find myself wanting the things that seemed so likely to happen back then. I would have been happy with just that, even if it meant I never went to university. I might have been different, a more bright, cheerful person. I know that I can't get back to that time when I was like that. But if I was like that once, I should be able to be that way again. I should be able to change myself from the standoffish, unaffectionate person I am now. I don't like being this way. I want to be able to easily say "I love you", and think nothing of giving someone a hug. I want to be able to say "Yeah, I'd love to!" when I get asked out by a guy I like, and actually go through with a date. I could have gone on a date recently, and I tried, I really did. We exchanged text messages and chatted, and he told me he couldn't wait to see me, but when it came to actually going on the date, I just couldn't. All I can think now is 'if I don't want to be alone, if I don't want to be left behind, then why do I refuse to move forward?'
Anyway, enough of my little pity party. Other things I've been doing besides moping around brooding on how much I fail at life? I've been cooking a little more than I used to. I made a batch of cookies last week and they tasted pretty good, and yesterday I made dinner for my parents - Hawaiian chicken minus pineapple, and twice baked potatoes. I am morphing into a housewife.
I've also been playing through Devil May Cry 4 on Dante Must Die mode. Cue lots of RARR-ing from me when one of those annoying electric monsters shows up and frazzles me to death. Or some Angelo things appear and go 'Y halo thar Dante, we know you like being impaled on big swords, so...' *stabbity* I mean, why am I surprised it's difficult? It's DMD mode, fer the love of Gawdz. Buy more vital stars, self, and it'll be fine. You can hold 30, for God's sake.
I want to replay DMC3 and DMC1 now, but I'm too lazy to switch scart cables over so I can play my PS2. Also, Elder Scrolls: Oblivion? Not the best game in the world ever OMG. I find it boring as fuck.
So. Things I need to do today.
Post Fushigi Yugi books.
Do something about the explosion in a clothes factory that is my bedroom.
Read more of Banana Yoshimoto's Kitchen, it's awesome so far.
Actually eat something.
Maybe do some work on Never Ever. I have the latest chapter all planned out, it just needs writing.
Let's see if I can actually do more than two of those things.
To be honest, sometimes I think things stopped for me four years ago. That summer when I thought my future was just beginning to take shape and I could see what might happen. Even though I enrolled at university to try and make steps towards a new future, I still find myself wanting the things that seemed so likely to happen back then. I would have been happy with just that, even if it meant I never went to university. I might have been different, a more bright, cheerful person. I know that I can't get back to that time when I was like that. But if I was like that once, I should be able to be that way again. I should be able to change myself from the standoffish, unaffectionate person I am now. I don't like being this way. I want to be able to easily say "I love you", and think nothing of giving someone a hug. I want to be able to say "Yeah, I'd love to!" when I get asked out by a guy I like, and actually go through with a date. I could have gone on a date recently, and I tried, I really did. We exchanged text messages and chatted, and he told me he couldn't wait to see me, but when it came to actually going on the date, I just couldn't. All I can think now is 'if I don't want to be alone, if I don't want to be left behind, then why do I refuse to move forward?'
Anyway, enough of my little pity party. Other things I've been doing besides moping around brooding on how much I fail at life? I've been cooking a little more than I used to. I made a batch of cookies last week and they tasted pretty good, and yesterday I made dinner for my parents - Hawaiian chicken minus pineapple, and twice baked potatoes. I am morphing into a housewife.
I've also been playing through Devil May Cry 4 on Dante Must Die mode. Cue lots of RARR-ing from me when one of those annoying electric monsters shows up and frazzles me to death. Or some Angelo things appear and go 'Y halo thar Dante, we know you like being impaled on big swords, so...' *stabbity* I mean, why am I surprised it's difficult? It's DMD mode, fer the love of Gawdz. Buy more vital stars, self, and it'll be fine. You can hold 30, for God's sake.
I want to replay DMC3 and DMC1 now, but I'm too lazy to switch scart cables over so I can play my PS2. Also, Elder Scrolls: Oblivion? Not the best game in the world ever OMG. I find it boring as fuck.
So. Things I need to do today.
Post Fushigi Yugi books.
Do something about the explosion in a clothes factory that is my bedroom.
Read more of Banana Yoshimoto's Kitchen, it's awesome so far.
Actually eat something.
Maybe do some work on Never Ever. I have the latest chapter all planned out, it just needs writing.
Let's see if I can actually do more than two of those things.