......?
There's just no sense to be made. I'll skip that part of me trying to figure it out. It's ramble-y and tiresome and pointless. I'm done with existentialism.
I've been cold for days. I wish for once that pain could be a sprinter instead of a marathon runner. It's Christmas Eve tomorrow. We always go to Granny and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner and gifts. Our first Christmas without him will be less than two weeks after he died.
I ordered a Marines blanket for Rien back before his birthday. I guess it got back-ordered or something, but it came in today. It sucked. It had his name sewed into the bottom and everything. "Darien Stohl." The letters just stared at me. If letters can stare. It seemed like they did. His ranking and all was on there too. I don't remember it. I remember calling him Darry when I was younger and had just read The Outsiders. He hated that. His little brother called him "Ria" when he was two. I started calling him Rien not long after. I was scared every day while he was overseas. I figured that if he came back alive, nothing could get him. Least of all cancer. I didn't even think about that. He mocked the doctors when they came in to see "how I was feeling today." It was hilarious. He was my donor match because I have no blood relations here. I still feel cold.
I spent the past hour reading over my posts on here. I don't see much progession since I started using LJ. Less alcohol. That's a plus. In one part, I said that this year was one of the best so far. Up until August, it could have been. I think I'm over the 'not being able to have kids' thing, even though I didn't put much about that on here. I'm not as afraid of marriage. I think it could be good. As old-fashioned as it may be, I want to marry Jason. I want to do the dress and the music and the pretty flowers. I don't care who's there. I don't care where it is as long as it isn't in a church. It'll be all about him and me. And I'll have some kickass shoes for sure.
I think I've been forced to grow us a little bit more than I'd already been forced to. I read the stuff written on the back of my door from high school. It's by friends, acquaintences, and me. I was always a little more jaded than the other people I hung around with then. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic and such.
I still draw little giraffes on everything though, so I'm not unrecognizable.
"Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous." I was watching Buffy today and that quote stuck out at me. I know things get all jumbled and broken, but maybe that's just what life is supposed to be. We're not supposed to understand it. It'll still push us over and make us cry, but everyone has there own way of coping. We have to find ways to cope, so we don't go crazy. In my case, go crazier. That's also something good. My meds got regulated, so now I'm pretty balanced most of the time. The past week not included. I found out things about my dad that I've never known before. I've seen him cry, and I've held him. He's the glue that holds his family together. His mother and father had many difficulties. His older sister is a vindictive bitch. His younger one doesn't understand, but thinks she does. It's a mess indeed, and dinner tomorrow will certainly be a debacle.
I ate with Rien's family today. His son was there. He sat in Rien's seat because "the chair looked so lonely." We all cried in our mashed potatoes and well-done prime rib.
Good jesus god, this is depressing. I watched Cabaret today while I was wrapping gifts. Everything makes me think of one of them. Lize Minelli looks just as fabulous as always. I sang. I taped. I danced. I cut. I laughed. I folded. It's great therapy. I can think of no instance where Cabaret could not help just a little. I've always wanted to write a letter to Liza, but I never have. Maybe I will one day.
One of my friends totaled her car today. She came out with only bruises and scrapes. Irony is odd. I think I'm getting warmer. Just a little.
Merry Christmas Eve. Have sex under a Christmas tree. It's nice.
K.
EDIT: I figured out the jabber thing to talk on through livejournal. I don't know if there was a point, but I did it for lack of something else to do.
I've been cold for days. I wish for once that pain could be a sprinter instead of a marathon runner. It's Christmas Eve tomorrow. We always go to Granny and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve for dinner and gifts. Our first Christmas without him will be less than two weeks after he died.
I ordered a Marines blanket for Rien back before his birthday. I guess it got back-ordered or something, but it came in today. It sucked. It had his name sewed into the bottom and everything. "Darien Stohl." The letters just stared at me. If letters can stare. It seemed like they did. His ranking and all was on there too. I don't remember it. I remember calling him Darry when I was younger and had just read The Outsiders. He hated that. His little brother called him "Ria" when he was two. I started calling him Rien not long after. I was scared every day while he was overseas. I figured that if he came back alive, nothing could get him. Least of all cancer. I didn't even think about that. He mocked the doctors when they came in to see "how I was feeling today." It was hilarious. He was my donor match because I have no blood relations here. I still feel cold.
I spent the past hour reading over my posts on here. I don't see much progession since I started using LJ. Less alcohol. That's a plus. In one part, I said that this year was one of the best so far. Up until August, it could have been. I think I'm over the 'not being able to have kids' thing, even though I didn't put much about that on here. I'm not as afraid of marriage. I think it could be good. As old-fashioned as it may be, I want to marry Jason. I want to do the dress and the music and the pretty flowers. I don't care who's there. I don't care where it is as long as it isn't in a church. It'll be all about him and me. And I'll have some kickass shoes for sure.
I think I've been forced to grow us a little bit more than I'd already been forced to. I read the stuff written on the back of my door from high school. It's by friends, acquaintences, and me. I was always a little more jaded than the other people I hung around with then. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic and such.
I still draw little giraffes on everything though, so I'm not unrecognizable.
"Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous." I was watching Buffy today and that quote stuck out at me. I know things get all jumbled and broken, but maybe that's just what life is supposed to be. We're not supposed to understand it. It'll still push us over and make us cry, but everyone has there own way of coping. We have to find ways to cope, so we don't go crazy. In my case, go crazier. That's also something good. My meds got regulated, so now I'm pretty balanced most of the time. The past week not included. I found out things about my dad that I've never known before. I've seen him cry, and I've held him. He's the glue that holds his family together. His mother and father had many difficulties. His older sister is a vindictive bitch. His younger one doesn't understand, but thinks she does. It's a mess indeed, and dinner tomorrow will certainly be a debacle.
I ate with Rien's family today. His son was there. He sat in Rien's seat because "the chair looked so lonely." We all cried in our mashed potatoes and well-done prime rib.
Good jesus god, this is depressing. I watched Cabaret today while I was wrapping gifts. Everything makes me think of one of them. Lize Minelli looks just as fabulous as always. I sang. I taped. I danced. I cut. I laughed. I folded. It's great therapy. I can think of no instance where Cabaret could not help just a little. I've always wanted to write a letter to Liza, but I never have. Maybe I will one day.
One of my friends totaled her car today. She came out with only bruises and scrapes. Irony is odd. I think I'm getting warmer. Just a little.
Merry Christmas Eve. Have sex under a Christmas tree. It's nice.
K.
EDIT: I figured out the jabber thing to talk on through livejournal. I don't know if there was a point, but I did it for lack of something else to do.