The thing about wrestling...
The thing about wrestling is that it exists in a world that is aside from the walking world. It has its own rules and policies, and in wrestle world everyone knows who you based on what you do in the ring and how you act online or in front of fans. In wrestle world you can disappear and no one would care past a few moments; you move on to the walking world and have a completely new life and its almost as if you were never there. In wrestle world, when you die the bell rings 10 times before a show so people have a few moments to remember you; if you're one of the people that left a big impact, sometimes an empty chair is left ringside so you have a seat.
In wrestle world we try to be genderless, but in the end a pair of boobs and a vagina can stop you from doing many things or propel you to the moon and back - it is simultaneously harder and easier. In wrestle word we're told that we have to tolerate sexual comments from people because we're a public figure and just be ok with it.
In wrestle there is no outside job; you exist because you wrestle. In wrestle world age or "time on your job" doesn't matter, skill does. In this world you try to eat well and keep in ring shape. Oddly, in wrestle world, ring shape isn't always dependent on your body shape; you can be larger and have better wind than a smaller person.
Wrestle world does not really take a break, even if you slow your bookings down. There's always stuff to watch, to learn, training you can go to, gyms to hit, discussions to be had. In this world, no one ever really retires; once they get sucked in they're likely there for life.
I often contemplate my spot in wrestle world. Here I am, a female wrestler well past wrestling prime but new inside the ring, someone who spent 5 years being a mouth piece for others at rings side, traveling the states, sleeping in cars...someone with an advanced degree who can't seem to land a job but ended out her first year with 25 weekends of bookings in a row.
Where am I? Surrounded by people who don't know me well, just enough money to make it to my next booking, selling photos and buttons on the side to make some extra scratch. Is this miserable? At times it sure is. When it hurts to take a step and everything aches when you roll out of bed, turning your body into a piece of a product you sell weekly....
But then there's those moments that make it worth wild. Holding a championship cup, telling a great story, getting a crowd to their feet and knowing that you are doing what a lot of people only wish they could. When you have those seconds of detachment and you see people in the crowd looking at you enthusiastically wide eyed to see what happens next....when you get to the locker room and under defeat or victory, know that you did your best and what you did was something good.
I feel like I've always had a love/hate relationship with wrestling. Wrestling is like dating that ex who you know you shouldn't be with but can't resist; when it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's bad! There are times wrestling makes me want to crawl into a pillow fort and never leave, but there are also times where wrestling makes me plow out of the house quicker than if it were on fire. There are times where I'm driving to a venue, wondering why I'm doing this, knowing I can just turn around and it can be all over. But I don't. I keep driving forward and keep pushing forward....there are times where I don't know if I'm long for Wrestle World, and times where I feel immortal. It is the clearest conflict I've ever had.
I look forward and in one sense I see Wrestle World, clear as crystal. My path is lined up, the road is long and windy, but it's there. In another sense I see the Walking World, where I am searching for a job but when I find one I can see myself inherently happy and over joyed to be working in a creative sector and using my mind to do the work for me. I don't know if those paths can coexist, then again I was also told that there was no way I could wrestle and go to grad school. Living in Wrestle World is an amazing shelter from the Walking World, despite its difficulties. The thing about wrestling is, without knowing it, you can lose yourself in Wrestle World and miss everything else.
The thing about wrestling is a lot of times, you're ok with that.