Insomnia and a Confession: I'm not pretty enough to be OCD
Massive feeling of inadequacy breeds insomnia.
I slept about half hour tonight - then woke up. Decided I'd try some milk and cookies and cruise the El Jays. Also fluttered by thee MySpace and read a letter from a friend. The word sexy came up. Reminded me of Cody. He tells me at least once a day that I'm beautiful. He tells me at least once a day that I'm Sexy.
But sometimes you have that voice:
"If you would've not cut your hair you'd be prettier"
"If you had larger breasts you'd be sexier"
"If you had larger lips you'd be sexier"
"If you dressed wearing more insert random style A here"
"If you did your makeup different you'd be prettier"
"If you were thinner you'd be prettier"
"If your fingers hadn't gotten so fucked up playing basketball they'd be prettier"
"If you didn't have those 3 scars on your knee you'd be sexier"
"If you had different tattoos you'd be sexier"
"If you DIDN'T have tattoos you'd be prettier"
The list goes on and on....
So here's something random, I think I've become OCD about my face. Washing my face, specifically. I'm up to about an average of 15 soap and water washes a day. I think I'm going to need to buy special soap that wont dry my face. I recently switched to Neutrogena liquid soap from "Clean and Clear" liquid face soap. My skins beginning to feel more dry.
It's like a fucking disease. I wouldn't call myself OCD because I believe OCD tendencies spill over into your life but there are certain OTHER things I do by habit that, if NOT done this way - I'll stop and do it again. But my room isn't clean, my perfumes aren't organized by fragrance color and color smell from cheapest t most expensive anymore. (Yes, fragrances have color & color SMELLS). If my bed isn't made I cant fall asleep. I need a certain pillow set up by specs or I can't fall asleep if I'm in my bed. I notice when one pillow is missing (I have 8 on my bed...FUCKING RAMBLE. My mind is going to fast right now. Back to my face...
I wake up and wash, then wash every so often through out the day. Today I washed something like 12, 13 times. I know I was almost at 20 one day. But it's weird, it's like - if I begin to feel a bit of oil (near the nose, near the chin) I need to wash and get it off so I wont get any zits/pimples/etc. My cheeks are dry up near the eyes. To make matters worse an ash feel on my cheek the other day and left a tiny red spot - but I can see it. You can't see it, I can see it.
I just washed my face anout an hourr ago and I'm ready to do it again. I think I feel oil on my forehead...
Offf to scrub away with soap and water then try for bed again. We'll see how successful I am this time.
I slept about half hour tonight - then woke up. Decided I'd try some milk and cookies and cruise the El Jays. Also fluttered by thee MySpace and read a letter from a friend. The word sexy came up. Reminded me of Cody. He tells me at least once a day that I'm beautiful. He tells me at least once a day that I'm Sexy.
But sometimes you have that voice:
"If you would've not cut your hair you'd be prettier"
"If you had larger breasts you'd be sexier"
"If you had larger lips you'd be sexier"
"If you dressed wearing more insert random style A here"
"If you did your makeup different you'd be prettier"
"If you were thinner you'd be prettier"
"If your fingers hadn't gotten so fucked up playing basketball they'd be prettier"
"If you didn't have those 3 scars on your knee you'd be sexier"
"If you had different tattoos you'd be sexier"
"If you DIDN'T have tattoos you'd be prettier"
The list goes on and on....
So here's something random, I think I've become OCD about my face. Washing my face, specifically. I'm up to about an average of 15 soap and water washes a day. I think I'm going to need to buy special soap that wont dry my face. I recently switched to Neutrogena liquid soap from "Clean and Clear" liquid face soap. My skins beginning to feel more dry.
It's like a fucking disease. I wouldn't call myself OCD because I believe OCD tendencies spill over into your life but there are certain OTHER things I do by habit that, if NOT done this way - I'll stop and do it again. But my room isn't clean, my perfumes aren't organized by fragrance color and color smell from cheapest t most expensive anymore. (Yes, fragrances have color & color SMELLS). If my bed isn't made I cant fall asleep. I need a certain pillow set up by specs or I can't fall asleep if I'm in my bed. I notice when one pillow is missing (I have 8 on my bed...FUCKING RAMBLE. My mind is going to fast right now. Back to my face...
I wake up and wash, then wash every so often through out the day. Today I washed something like 12, 13 times. I know I was almost at 20 one day. But it's weird, it's like - if I begin to feel a bit of oil (near the nose, near the chin) I need to wash and get it off so I wont get any zits/pimples/etc. My cheeks are dry up near the eyes. To make matters worse an ash feel on my cheek the other day and left a tiny red spot - but I can see it. You can't see it, I can see it.
I just washed my face anout an hourr ago and I'm ready to do it again. I think I feel oil on my forehead...
Offf to scrub away with soap and water then try for bed again. We'll see how successful I am this time.