Trust
It’s so hard for me to open up to anyone and here I am, opening up for him like a flower blossoms. He waters me with his honey words. Trust, trust, trust. Ah, that beautiful, mind-shatteringly frightening thing that can make you whimper like a child who lost his innocence or laugh free of cares like a children yet ignorant to the ways of the world.
I can't trust anyone and this is what I've come to learn over my short but painful years of existence. You can't trust anyone. It's all I hear from people... but then they tell you that trust is what makes a relationship real. It's what makes it beautiful.
But how can one just let go? I mean, I do trust him. I trust him with most things, like my secrets and embarassing things that make my body tremble and the thoughts in my head blur into a rainbow of pain, confusion and pleasure. But there's something I'm dying to trust him with that just scares me so bad. Before I even start to explain myself, let me say i absolutely do love him. Man, I adore him. Even that simple fact scares me but I can't change it. No one can.
This is what I'm so scared to give him, to entrust to him: my heart. If I give him my heart, then... well, then I don't even know what! It's not an insult to him, no, no, not at all. Not one bit. It's just that he's so fucking appealing!!! And it's not a bad thing, but it frightens me to know that I can't be the only one to find him so delicious, you know? I can't imagine anyone else touching him, kissing him, fucking him. The thing is that it's not even the jealousy that's getting to me.
It's the pain. The pain that scorches me from the inside out. Worst of all, I don't think he understands, either. HOW CAN I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND?!?! It hurts so bad to think about trust which I haven't even offered him yet being broken.
It's your beauty that enchanted me to him and and it's his beauty that's driving me insane. I'm flattered that people constanltly commend my tastes by being attracted to him, I suppose... but... but...
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SCARED!
--Nadia Giuliana