Symphony of the Universe: That Damn Christmas Episode
This is a story about Seth Ignatious, and is meant to take place before the events of Symphony of the Universe.
5 nights before Christmas
and all through the bar
all the creatures were stirring
stretch your imagination that far
the girls with their makeup all done up like whores
so false gentlemen will open up doors
they line up the shots they line up the drinks
then vomit them back and break down the sinks
It was technically Sunday now, since it was three AM, but it still felt like the last Saturday before Christmas. Izzy was sprawled out in the back seat of the grandpa-mobile that Seth drove and Milton was making exaggerated playful growling sounds while he nibbled on her neck and shoulders. This was making Izzy giggle and thrash about.
"Oh - I think I'm going to get sick." said Izzy. "It was that last Jager bomb. I should have stuck to the Guinness."
"Nah, nah Jager is good stuff, comes out just like it went in." said Milton.
Seth was in the process of pulling the car to the side of the road, but he wasn't fast enough.
Izzy opened the car door while the car was still moving, Milton held onto her while she horked onto the snow. The vomit was bright red and glistening on the white snow.
"Just like a fucking candy cane." Milton announced, pulling Izzy back into the car. "You're fine babe, you're fine. Seth keep driving."
"You okay Izzy?" Seth asked, glancing in the rear-view mirror. "You still look a little green at the gills."
"She's fine, fucking drive." said Milton.
"I need something to suck it up." Izzy said.
If Seth was paying full attention, he would have asked "Whatever do you mean?" but as Seth was focused on driving on a snow covered road, he instead made a murmuring sound. The murmuring sound was basically the same question - albeit it quite simplified. Surprisingly Izzy understood exactly what that meant.
"I need to eat something." Izzy said.
"Awful waffle." Milton announced. "We've got a need for some good greasin' - lube up the old tickers."
The Awful Waffle was a tiny building in an overly lit parking lot. The peeling paint was an obnoxiously bright shade of yellow and it had several plastic wreaths with bright red bows taped up as well as four separate strands of Christmas lights blinking in different shades.
The waitress didn't raise a penciled-in eyebrow at the three potential patrons as they walked in. Each one had their unofficial standard club uniform still on. Izzy with her layers of fishnets, vinyl miniskirt and tube top. She had a big pink rabbit fur coat to keep her warm.
Milton was the sort of guy you could easily cast as the devil himself. He had the goatee, the slightly too long sideburns, the perfect upside down v-arched brows. His black hair was lifted at the roots and pulled back in a perfectly subtle pompador. He even had just enough ruddiness to his skin. His eyes were dark and mean and shiny.
Milton was dressed in huge stomping boots, a black leather jacket with custom airbrush work done on it. Black jeans and a black silk button down shirt.
Seth, the longhair, had his ponytail neatly tied back. His club wear consisted of a simple black t-shirt with an obscure metal band on it, a pair of blue jeans and a long black coat.
Seth liked the metal band because they did remakes of classical music with more contemporary themes. Every time he explained this to someone however, their eyes tended to glaze over and he would often get the question. "Do you really like metal music?" to which Seth would answer "No, he preferred classical." and then the conversation would stop.
The three of them were seated at a small booth. The seats were plastic, uncomfortable, and the upholstery was falling apart a bit. These were the days before indoor smoking was banned, so Milton and Izzy lit up their Marlbro's like it was a race to do so.
Seth glanced over the laminated menu. Everything was a special. Special #1 had eggs, hash and ham. Special #2 had eggs, hash and more hash. Special #3 was the eggs with extra eggs and some hash.
Izzy announced. "Aw - lookit - lookit the tv!" and she pointed up at the corner where a set was hanging.
Seth glanced over his shoulder.
"It's that damn Christmas episode." Milton grumbled.
"Whatever do you mean?" Seth asked, grateful to no longer be focused on the road and capable of articulating.
"That damn Christmas episode. Every show has one. Every American television program has that damn Christmas episode." Milton said.
"I like this one. This is the one where the main character dresses up as an elf and helps Santa Claus." Izzy said.
"Why do they make all the god damn Christmas shows? If you didn't watch the show 364 days of the year, you aren't going to suddenly watch it because some fucktard is dressed up like an elf." Milton blew smoke from his nostrils as a form of punctuation.
"Apparently people do, or they wouldn't make them." Seth explained.
"Then you see them in the discount video bins in the middle of July, but they fish them out mid-October and throw them on the shelves up front." Milton grumbled.
"This is the part where he falls over the couch, I love that part." Izzy laughed.
"Damn you are drunk." Milton clipped.
The waitress came over.
"I'll have the #1 special." said Milton.
"#3." said Izzy.
The waitress jotted it down. Seth glanced at the menu. Special #4 had hash, hash, and ham.
"Seth?" Milton asked.
"I hate to bother you-" Seth started.
"Don't do it Seth!" Milton said.
"But-"
"SETH THIS IS AWFUL WAFFLE! AWFUL WAFFFLE! JUST SAY A NUMBER!"
"Can I get the side of toast?" Seth said. "And just an egg? Just one egg?"
"SETH GET THE FUCKING #2."
"That doesn't come with toast."
"What the fuck do you want toast for? Get the hash, everything they have is 90% hash!"
"Uh....I'm not sure if I can get you just one egg. If you get one of the specials, I can put toast on the side." the waitress said.
"Can I just get the toast then?" Seth asked.
"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!" Milton protested
"Just toast?" the waitress said.
"Yeah, Izzy - you're getting a double order of eggs, can I have some of your eggs?" Seth asked.
"Hun?" said Izzy.
"I want to make a sandwich, with the toast and the eggs." Seth explained. "But I don't want to put the waitress out."
"Hun? Oh yeah - I don't ca-" Izzy mumbled.
"Don't give him your fucking eggs." Milton growled.
"and to drink?" the waitress asked.
"Coke." said Milton. "Put some of that cherry syrup in it for me babe, I love that shit."
"Coffee." said Izzy.
"Water." Seth said.
The waitress jotted it down.
"Water!?" Milton said.
Seth shrugged.
"Water and a crust of bread for the prisoner?" Milton groaned.
"Water prevents dehydration, dehydration is the cause of hangovers." Seth said.
"No, you're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"Seth - you're fucking loaded, you never buy anything. You can afford one of the specials." Milton said.
"You two need some time alone?" Izzy mocked. "You having a lover's spat?"
"Shut your pisshole." Milton said, his broad smile making the viciousness of his words less biting.
"Look Seth," Milton went on. "I'll buy you a fucking special."
"No, I just want something small - something light." Seth said.
Izzy said. "I like this part of the episode, this is where they sing Silent Night."
Milton glanced at the television. Sure enough, the sitcom cast was lined up, singing away, even the annoying neighbor character who was dressed like an elf was joining in.
"I always liked Silent Night." said Izzy. "Even when I was little, it's my favorite Christmas song. When my mom was shouting I would play it and tune her out. I could actually fall asleep."
"I know." Seth said. "You told me last year."
"I saw you last Christmas?" Izzy asked.
"No, it was in the summer. We were at the park." Seth said.
"Oh yeah - I remember. I didn't think you were paying attention, it looked like you were reading."
"I was reading. I had a report that was due. I had to finish it up." Seth said.
"You remember the weirdest things." said Izzy.
The waitress set down the Cherry Coke the coffee and the glass of water. She gave Seth his toast, but no one else had their food yet. Seth frowned.
"Don't give him your eggs." Milton said.
"Why is this such a big deal to you?" Izzy asked.
"This guilt thing, it's going to kill you Seth." Milton groaned.
"It takes a long time for guilt to kill you." Seth said. "Ask any Catholic."
"You don't have to martyr yourself Seth." Milton said. "No one up there gives a shit if you get the special or eat a piece of bread."
"It isn't about that." Seth said.
"It's not!?" Milton raised an eyebrow. "Think about it. You know what you are. You know you are damned, so live it up."
"I went to the bar with you."
"Yeah, and you bitched about the cover charge." Milton said. "Even though I got your cover."
"Ten dollars is a heavy charge when there isn't a band." Seth said.
"You aint broke."
"I am broke right now." Seth said.
"You aint broke, you're a liar. You're a bad liar too." Milton said. "And admit it, this is all on your mind. That whole Christ child coming to bring salavation to everyone."
Seth frowned.
"Everyone except for you and for me." Milton said. "It bothers you. It bothers you down to your rotten core."
"He isn't rotten." Izzy piped up suddenly. "Seth's a sweetheart. Don't be mean to him. He is your best friend."
The waitress brought out the plates.
"Seth you can have some eggs and make your fucking sandwhich." Izzy handed him her fork. "It's almost Christmas, so have some fucking food."
"Seth if you ask me to pay the tip too, I'm going to hit you." Milton said.
"What is 10 percent of $1.13?" Seth asked.
"Just leave her a dollar." Izzy said.
"I've got the tip." Seth said.
"You really are just going to fish out some pocket change and leave it on the table?" Milton said. "How does that work with your over developed conscious? Think about it. That poor waitress, who you put out, starving to death because some jackass only wants a crust of bread and a cup of water."
Seth assembled his sandwich. "Well luckily my jackass of a best friend is going to be more generous."
Milton laughed. "I love it when you cuss Seth, it sounds so unnatural to you."
"We aren't all gifted with your unholy tongue." Seth smirked.
So they finished up at Awful Waffle. Seth fished out some pocked change and left it on the table. Milton left a twenty dollar bill and told the waitress "Merry fucking Christday, go eat his body on a cracker." Izzy fell asleep in the car. Milton fell asleep pretty quickly too.
When Izzy woke up Seth was sitting at the kitchen table. She thought he looked a little too thin, a little too worn out. Her head was throbbing a bit, but she was wondering if there was anything she could do that would be nice for him. Maybe make him a cup of coffee or something.
When Izzy sat up she saw that the coffee table was lined with presents, and that they all had her name on them. Seth has spent half the year collecting those dollar bin Christmas episodes for her, because she liked them. She opened them up one by one.
"Aw, Seth!" she said. "You're so sweet!"
"Open the last one." Seth said.
Izzy did. It was a little snow globe, with little ice skaters in a little village.
"I don't get it." Izzy said.
Seth took the snow globe for a minute and winded the turnkey on the bottom. It took a moment to get started but the first notes of Silent Night chimed softly.
It was a music box.
Izzy wrapped her arms around Seth and hugged him tight and he hugged her back.
They spent all day watching those damn Christmas episodes together - and ignoring Milton.