June 2.3 Idina Menzel & Lea Michelle's "I Dreamed a Dream"
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
Dearest Amanda,
His name was Danny. Wow. I haven't even thought that name aloud for so long that it feels strange to put it down in writing, even though you have the right to know. I was 15, and he had graduated from my high school the year before. He was headed to California, he said. Did I want to come along? He said I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, that he loved me, that he wanted to take care of me...I could sense he was lying, but he was asking me to go somewhere that sounded magical, away from a life that had become hell since Carol left. The details don't matter, but suffice it to say--I didn't want to be there anymore. Danny gave me a way out and the illusion of being cherished, like some half-forgotten memory.
For a while it was...almost perfect. When I felt his lies, I didn't believe what I was feeling because who could feel what others felt, really? Who could sense lies? If I could do that, what did that make me? But when I discovered I was pregnant with you...when I told him...everything changed. He didn't want us, and I couldn't deny it anymore. It was there in every touch, in every look. I'd been pretty and fun and some sort of lark, but now I was just the girl he'd knocked up, and fast becoming a burden. Every night he thought about it, about just leaving while I slept in some ratty motel that was all we could afford.
So I left first.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
I ran home, getting there by any means I could, and I don't want to think about some of them. But Daddy...I couldn't stay. He threw me out, when he found out I was pregnant. So, I went to Carol. She raised me, after Mom left, and where else was I going to go? I needed you to be safe, needed me to be safe, for you, and Carol--I'd almost always been able to depend on her. She didn't let me down this time, either. She took me in, and she and her husband gave me a place to stay. Doctors, care, a warm bed, good food--they made sure we had it all, and then you were born, and you were...perfect. You had his eyes, Danny's, but otherwise, you looked like me, and when I held you...I didn't know that I could feel that much love inside me.
But Carol loved you, too. I could feel it from her, the envy that I'd had so easily what she never could, the deep desire for something God had denied her, the longing, the mistrust welling, the resentment....She remembered what I'd said before that she'd dismissed as lies, questioned my fitness to raise a child--me a teenage runaway who got herself pregnant at 15. What sort of role model was I for a little girl? How could I provide for you? They didn't say I had to go, they made all the right sounds, that I could stay, that they would help, but every time she held you, it took her longer to give you back.
And they were right. What did I have to give you? I was different. I saw things, felt things...I didn't fit in. I was...damaged in ways I couldn't talk about. I didn't have a high school education, even, and the thought of starting over, now that my ability had fully manifested was terrifying. My own sister didn't want me there, not really, and I couldn't go back to my father, and Danny had just been using me. You were the only good thing in my life, and I'd made a mess of the rest...I couldn't ruin your life, couldn't bring the shame down on you that I'd brought to myself.
So I left you there, and I ran again.
And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I found a new home. A new family. People like me, people who accepted me, taught me about myself, my ability. People who didn't care what my past was, or what I'd done, or what had been done to me. They never asked, even, never pried. They just took me at face value, and loved me for who I was and what I brought to them. They gave me a place to be, to find myself, to reinvent myself if I wanted. I've been happy here, for the most part, or at least content. I've made a new life, thrown off the old so completely that sometimes I can't even remember their faces: Daddy's, Danny's, Carol's.
But I've never forgotten you, never stopped loving you, never stopped longing for you. I remember the way you felt in my arms, the way you watched me with those eyes. I've imagined your first step, first word, first day of school, first crush. I've kissed away a thousand tears, and laughed at a million jokes. I've brushed your hair and shared my secrets with you, and told you bedtime stories in my head when I tucked you in every night. You're never out of my thoughts, never out of my heart.
I'd give anything to have you here, to be with you, but...it isn't safe. There are people in the world who would hunt us down, hurt us, destroy us, just for what we are. They killed the man who took me in, who became the father Daddy never was to me. They killed the son of one of our own. There are others that have captured us through the years, put us in cages--so many of our family are fugitives from these people...we try to be a safe haven for them, but I know in my heart of hearts you are safer out there, unknown, unnoticed, tucked away. We live on the run, in fear for our lives, living in the shadows and on the fringes of society. Yes, we have each other, but at what cost? I couldn't go back to living like normal people do, not anymore. This is my home, my family, my world. But you...I want you to have all the advantages I gave up when I ran away. This...this isn't what I want for you.
And so, I stay away, even when every fiber of my soul is reaching out to you--even when I can feel you aching for me. Because it's best, for both of us, if you stay in your world and I stay in mine. But know that I love you, completely, utterly, now and always. You are loved. If nothing else, I can give you that.
Be well, my darling girl. Be safe. And never forget me.
Love,
Mom
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Muse: Lydia
Fandom: Heroes
Words: 1101
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
Dearest Amanda,
His name was Danny. Wow. I haven't even thought that name aloud for so long that it feels strange to put it down in writing, even though you have the right to know. I was 15, and he had graduated from my high school the year before. He was headed to California, he said. Did I want to come along? He said I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, that he loved me, that he wanted to take care of me...I could sense he was lying, but he was asking me to go somewhere that sounded magical, away from a life that had become hell since Carol left. The details don't matter, but suffice it to say--I didn't want to be there anymore. Danny gave me a way out and the illusion of being cherished, like some half-forgotten memory.
For a while it was...almost perfect. When I felt his lies, I didn't believe what I was feeling because who could feel what others felt, really? Who could sense lies? If I could do that, what did that make me? But when I discovered I was pregnant with you...when I told him...everything changed. He didn't want us, and I couldn't deny it anymore. It was there in every touch, in every look. I'd been pretty and fun and some sort of lark, but now I was just the girl he'd knocked up, and fast becoming a burden. Every night he thought about it, about just leaving while I slept in some ratty motel that was all we could afford.
So I left first.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
I ran home, getting there by any means I could, and I don't want to think about some of them. But Daddy...I couldn't stay. He threw me out, when he found out I was pregnant. So, I went to Carol. She raised me, after Mom left, and where else was I going to go? I needed you to be safe, needed me to be safe, for you, and Carol--I'd almost always been able to depend on her. She didn't let me down this time, either. She took me in, and she and her husband gave me a place to stay. Doctors, care, a warm bed, good food--they made sure we had it all, and then you were born, and you were...perfect. You had his eyes, Danny's, but otherwise, you looked like me, and when I held you...I didn't know that I could feel that much love inside me.
But Carol loved you, too. I could feel it from her, the envy that I'd had so easily what she never could, the deep desire for something God had denied her, the longing, the mistrust welling, the resentment....She remembered what I'd said before that she'd dismissed as lies, questioned my fitness to raise a child--me a teenage runaway who got herself pregnant at 15. What sort of role model was I for a little girl? How could I provide for you? They didn't say I had to go, they made all the right sounds, that I could stay, that they would help, but every time she held you, it took her longer to give you back.
And they were right. What did I have to give you? I was different. I saw things, felt things...I didn't fit in. I was...damaged in ways I couldn't talk about. I didn't have a high school education, even, and the thought of starting over, now that my ability had fully manifested was terrifying. My own sister didn't want me there, not really, and I couldn't go back to my father, and Danny had just been using me. You were the only good thing in my life, and I'd made a mess of the rest...I couldn't ruin your life, couldn't bring the shame down on you that I'd brought to myself.
So I left you there, and I ran again.
And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I found a new home. A new family. People like me, people who accepted me, taught me about myself, my ability. People who didn't care what my past was, or what I'd done, or what had been done to me. They never asked, even, never pried. They just took me at face value, and loved me for who I was and what I brought to them. They gave me a place to be, to find myself, to reinvent myself if I wanted. I've been happy here, for the most part, or at least content. I've made a new life, thrown off the old so completely that sometimes I can't even remember their faces: Daddy's, Danny's, Carol's.
But I've never forgotten you, never stopped loving you, never stopped longing for you. I remember the way you felt in my arms, the way you watched me with those eyes. I've imagined your first step, first word, first day of school, first crush. I've kissed away a thousand tears, and laughed at a million jokes. I've brushed your hair and shared my secrets with you, and told you bedtime stories in my head when I tucked you in every night. You're never out of my thoughts, never out of my heart.
I'd give anything to have you here, to be with you, but...it isn't safe. There are people in the world who would hunt us down, hurt us, destroy us, just for what we are. They killed the man who took me in, who became the father Daddy never was to me. They killed the son of one of our own. There are others that have captured us through the years, put us in cages--so many of our family are fugitives from these people...we try to be a safe haven for them, but I know in my heart of hearts you are safer out there, unknown, unnoticed, tucked away. We live on the run, in fear for our lives, living in the shadows and on the fringes of society. Yes, we have each other, but at what cost? I couldn't go back to living like normal people do, not anymore. This is my home, my family, my world. But you...I want you to have all the advantages I gave up when I ran away. This...this isn't what I want for you.
And so, I stay away, even when every fiber of my soul is reaching out to you--even when I can feel you aching for me. Because it's best, for both of us, if you stay in your world and I stay in mine. But know that I love you, completely, utterly, now and always. You are loved. If nothing else, I can give you that.
Be well, my darling girl. Be safe. And never forget me.
Love,
Mom
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Muse: Lydia
Fandom: Heroes
Words: 1101