hardcore or emo?
Ugh. I don't know if i should grow my hair long in the front and cry, or quit smoking and drinking, mark X's on my hands and be angry. I just know that lately I've been feeling like poop.
Oh, I know why though. Stress. I'm not good with stress. For the past year and some, I've been living the fantasy life. I got a loving, beautiful girl, a kickin' crib, cute assed pets, freedom of appearance, and most of all an excuse to be a lazy slacker b/c I'm a student. Also, being a student has enabled me to rely on student loans for rent and bills, and funding for fun, food, and smokes.
Ah.. living the high life.
Ah, but living a student with a loan is just a 4 year procrastination plan. Sure .. school is tough.. but school is school. No real world. But in two weeks I no longer get to say "when I grow up I wanna be... *insert various occupation" In two weeks I HAVE to say "shit.. i'm grown up.. what the fuck do i wanna be"
and this, my friends, isn't the main concern. The main concern is... that in two weeks, what i really have to say is "how the fuck am i gonna eat and pay rent?!?!" Which boils down to me losing the slacker title, which isn't so bad, but it also means losing the freedom of appearance.
But thats a stupid reason for feeling so fucking awful. Oh no, i'm gonna have to cut my hair!!!! eek.
fuck off trav. haha.
Maybe i just don't like responsibility.. maybe I just dont' wanna grow up.
I mean, shit should be glowing for me. I'm gonna be a University graduate (with decent marks in the end), I managed to join/start a few bands, and Wohedness (one i joined) have our first show in less than two weeks, I still have my gorgeous girl, and my cute as fuck pets. Our apartment is still one kickin' crib...
why am I so fucking blah?
Well.. maybe it's the dentist...
but not really, I just fear that to no end (the wisdom teeth removal), but fear doesn't make me down.. it just makes me scared... and scared does not equal blah.
I've always had a problem with reality... it's like that annoying little cousin that won't leave you the fuck alone.. but you tend to be good at ignoring him... Ah, but in two weeks, his parents die, and i become his primary caretaker.
(and for those of you who say to themselves "which little cousin? huh? trav never told me about that" .. that was my shitty attempt at an analogy)
I've been a dreamer most of my life... always looking to the future with rosey coloured glasses. Ah, but the future is soon to be a fucker and kick me in the face.
Then again, maybe i'm a bitch, and i should just accept the reality of it all. Realize that i'm no different than anyone else, I have to work a shit job that i hate in order to survive, i have to pay bills too, i have to dress up in some 'acceptable uniform' in order to get said job. I HAVE to change who i love being just so i can afford bread.
So i'm gonna continue to rant here, saying the same things over and over again but in different words, because i can't sleep, which is due this anxiety. I'll just lay in bed thinking that soon I won't be able to stay up until all hours of the morning writing journal entries that centre around "oh woe is me"
Hrm..
Isn't it stupid how people tend to see other peoples problems.. empathize with them, and genuinly feel quite bad for their situations, as i have with many buddies of mine. But at the end of the day, their problems go away, well in your little self-centered world they do. Because you can turn on some tunes, watch some shitty tv, or just just think about random shit, and everyone elses problems goes away, b/c their not yours. Now i dont mean to sound like a prick. but isn't that how it happens?
Well.. in my case.. I have a problem arising (well i see it as a problem, most would call it life) and i can't just ignore it... I have to suck it up, "be a man" and just deal with it. I feel like an angst ridden 13 year old who's just been grounded.
I dont' even feel like cookin' anymore. I told my lover that tonight, how i don't even enjoy cooking, and i could see her heart break. HAHAHA.
but it's true, not a laughing matter, you know bad shit is happening when you dont' enjoy what you usually enjoy. Whats next? music? reality tv? ... generally having to wake up?
I guess if I keep on feeling like this, i'll have to hop back on the so called 'happy-train', although there's nothing wrong with that, as i was there before, and well... the side effects weren't so bad.. hahaha.. and maybe i could use some of them lately... hahaha.. dont' you think lover? hahah.
But in reality (there's that evil fucker rearing it's ugly head again) Can i really walk into a doc's office and say "hey doc, gimmie pills, cause i'm sad that i have to live in the real world" ... hrm.. would they say in return "buck the fuck up chum and get a job, and stop being a whiney little bitch"
haha.. maybe so.
ah well. what also disapoints me is the fact that this bothers me... I've always wanted to believe that I had some ounce of having a strong character.. but little things such as this end up crushing me. Ah fuck.
Well, i'll end it now.. take out the pooch and then attempt sleep. The next few weeks are gonna be uber busy... and that doesn't help, although i should bask in this student life for the short amount of time i have left in it.. but of course i won't.. i'll bitch and moan some more.
Well, i don't wanna grow my bangs long and sing sad songs.. i'm in a metal band! Doing so would be unaccpetable. haha and... well, marking X's on my hands wont' be happening.. i'm not a strong enough character to finally quit smoking, although I am quite angry, cause i just polished off my last one.. .and My girl has only one left.. so punking that on her would be suicide.
ah well.
maybe i'll feel better soon.
Oh, I know why though. Stress. I'm not good with stress. For the past year and some, I've been living the fantasy life. I got a loving, beautiful girl, a kickin' crib, cute assed pets, freedom of appearance, and most of all an excuse to be a lazy slacker b/c I'm a student. Also, being a student has enabled me to rely on student loans for rent and bills, and funding for fun, food, and smokes.
Ah.. living the high life.
Ah, but living a student with a loan is just a 4 year procrastination plan. Sure .. school is tough.. but school is school. No real world. But in two weeks I no longer get to say "when I grow up I wanna be... *insert various occupation" In two weeks I HAVE to say "shit.. i'm grown up.. what the fuck do i wanna be"
and this, my friends, isn't the main concern. The main concern is... that in two weeks, what i really have to say is "how the fuck am i gonna eat and pay rent?!?!" Which boils down to me losing the slacker title, which isn't so bad, but it also means losing the freedom of appearance.
But thats a stupid reason for feeling so fucking awful. Oh no, i'm gonna have to cut my hair!!!! eek.
fuck off trav. haha.
Maybe i just don't like responsibility.. maybe I just dont' wanna grow up.
I mean, shit should be glowing for me. I'm gonna be a University graduate (with decent marks in the end), I managed to join/start a few bands, and Wohedness (one i joined) have our first show in less than two weeks, I still have my gorgeous girl, and my cute as fuck pets. Our apartment is still one kickin' crib...
why am I so fucking blah?
Well.. maybe it's the dentist...
but not really, I just fear that to no end (the wisdom teeth removal), but fear doesn't make me down.. it just makes me scared... and scared does not equal blah.
I've always had a problem with reality... it's like that annoying little cousin that won't leave you the fuck alone.. but you tend to be good at ignoring him... Ah, but in two weeks, his parents die, and i become his primary caretaker.
(and for those of you who say to themselves "which little cousin? huh? trav never told me about that" .. that was my shitty attempt at an analogy)
I've been a dreamer most of my life... always looking to the future with rosey coloured glasses. Ah, but the future is soon to be a fucker and kick me in the face.
Then again, maybe i'm a bitch, and i should just accept the reality of it all. Realize that i'm no different than anyone else, I have to work a shit job that i hate in order to survive, i have to pay bills too, i have to dress up in some 'acceptable uniform' in order to get said job. I HAVE to change who i love being just so i can afford bread.
So i'm gonna continue to rant here, saying the same things over and over again but in different words, because i can't sleep, which is due this anxiety. I'll just lay in bed thinking that soon I won't be able to stay up until all hours of the morning writing journal entries that centre around "oh woe is me"
Hrm..
Isn't it stupid how people tend to see other peoples problems.. empathize with them, and genuinly feel quite bad for their situations, as i have with many buddies of mine. But at the end of the day, their problems go away, well in your little self-centered world they do. Because you can turn on some tunes, watch some shitty tv, or just just think about random shit, and everyone elses problems goes away, b/c their not yours. Now i dont mean to sound like a prick. but isn't that how it happens?
Well.. in my case.. I have a problem arising (well i see it as a problem, most would call it life) and i can't just ignore it... I have to suck it up, "be a man" and just deal with it. I feel like an angst ridden 13 year old who's just been grounded.
I dont' even feel like cookin' anymore. I told my lover that tonight, how i don't even enjoy cooking, and i could see her heart break. HAHAHA.
but it's true, not a laughing matter, you know bad shit is happening when you dont' enjoy what you usually enjoy. Whats next? music? reality tv? ... generally having to wake up?
I guess if I keep on feeling like this, i'll have to hop back on the so called 'happy-train', although there's nothing wrong with that, as i was there before, and well... the side effects weren't so bad.. hahaha.. and maybe i could use some of them lately... hahaha.. dont' you think lover? hahah.
But in reality (there's that evil fucker rearing it's ugly head again) Can i really walk into a doc's office and say "hey doc, gimmie pills, cause i'm sad that i have to live in the real world" ... hrm.. would they say in return "buck the fuck up chum and get a job, and stop being a whiney little bitch"
haha.. maybe so.
ah well. what also disapoints me is the fact that this bothers me... I've always wanted to believe that I had some ounce of having a strong character.. but little things such as this end up crushing me. Ah fuck.
Well, i'll end it now.. take out the pooch and then attempt sleep. The next few weeks are gonna be uber busy... and that doesn't help, although i should bask in this student life for the short amount of time i have left in it.. but of course i won't.. i'll bitch and moan some more.
Well, i don't wanna grow my bangs long and sing sad songs.. i'm in a metal band! Doing so would be unaccpetable. haha and... well, marking X's on my hands wont' be happening.. i'm not a strong enough character to finally quit smoking, although I am quite angry, cause i just polished off my last one.. .and My girl has only one left.. so punking that on her would be suicide.
ah well.
maybe i'll feel better soon.