Core Rebuild
I am back after a much needed break.
But I am giving all of you reading this fair warning. You are probably not going to like my journal so it may be in both our best interests if you defriend me.
In that spirit, I am offering anyone who has the testicular fortitude to hang with me the opportunity to comment to this post saying they would like to remain on my "friends" list. Within 48 hours of this posting, I will be severing ties with anyone who does not respond.
If you do decide to stay on, here is a taste of what you can expect to see:
After much soul searching and deep contemplation, I have come to certain realizations.
1. I don't care if I go the rest of my life without getting laid or having a boyfriend. As such, I absolutely refuse to pull any punches with regards to my opinions or to limit my own enjoyment or expression of that which fascinates me. I don't care if anyone finds me distasteful or off-putting.
I'm not blogging to get laid or to impress anyone. I'm not going to carefully consider what I'm putting out there for the purposes of marketing myself to the gay community (or any other community for that matter). This is me. I won't self-censor...it would completely undermine my purpose in keeping the journal.
So if that bothers anyone or offends you, defriend me, grow a thicker skin or perhaps develop a sense of humour.
But please, don't ever caution me that what I'm saying is "scaring people away"....that will only make me see you as a pussy conformist....and I am so over pussy conformists.
2. The aforementioned purpose of keeping this blog is to work through my personal ideas and thoughts in a more interactive way than scribbling diatribes on papers noone will ever see. A handsome leather-bound journal from some snooty book store will never offer me engaging arguement or suggest new sources of information. Presumably, people reading my journal will.
I have recently come to the conclusion that if I am to get the full benefit from performing stand-up comedy, I need to speak directly from my experience and opinions. Otherwise, I am just another smartass trying to be the class clown thinking it will make him popular.
Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce were all intimately familiar with their truest feelings and weren't afraid to cut loose with it on stage. I need to work through my ideas, evolve my opinions and seek a broader understanding in order to do the same.
Somewhere along the line, I became obligated to the people on my friends list. I couldn't be honest about who I was or how I was feeling in any given moment becuase I didn't want any of you to think less of me....which, given my last posting and its response, was a valid concern. But thats over. This is my journal and I will say what I want, even if its wrong, horrible, offensive, self-defeating, pissy, judgemental, immature, unfunny, unproductive, disturbing, inaccurate, petulant, pedantic, sycophantic or openly hostile. The safety is off.
3. I am a very angry person under all this learned congenial mannerism. I hate. I don't hate people though. I hate bullshit. I hate lifestyle. I hate elitism. I hate materialism. I hate that sludge-like omni-present pressure to just accept shit as it is and join the flock. I hate that self-satisfied, effete cockiness people walk around with when they know that they're a part of a "community". I hate how "nice" and "bland" have become interchangeable. I hate art created to be a pleasant, non-threatening and thoroughly forgettable background for lifestyle. I hate well-tread, thoroughly proved-to-be-shite ways of acting and interacting that persist just because its easier than thinking independantly. I hate blame. I hate the zombie-like trance that people that people walk through life in. I hate that noone sees consequence as a good thing and that most people will fight tooth and nail to avoid it...
And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Having said that, I am a very engaged and engaging person and I love being alive and I love people. I love our potential. I love not knowing even the slightest recordable fraction about how the universe works. I love learning in general and, specifically, that moment when you assimilate a tidbit of wisdom that blows your hair back. I love being completely awed by nature. I love art that raises an emotional response in me. I even love it that, likley, most of the people in the world today know more than me. I also love that I am capable of this kind of love.
I think it balances out in the end.
4. Being gay sucks for me. This probably more than any other of my issues, will result in me never getting laid or being "popular" but fuck it. I wasn't getting laid when I was pretending to be full of gay pride so what have I got to lose?
From where I stand, as a willing outsider, it appears to me that all of this "celebration of diversity" stuff that the gay community loves to wrap itself in is a bunch of aged, pungent bullshit.
We're nothing more than a bunch of insecure, frightened, lonely creatures who never found acceptance from the straight world so we've gone and created a mirror image of it called the "gay community" with all the same tendencies toward elitism, shallowness, overly rigid social rules, hostillity towards outsiders, classism, self-hatred and materialism but fed through a rainbow colored filter. And if you doubt this, ask yourself why you're not friends with more people you would never have sex with.
We will turn a blind eye to sexual practices that are decaying us from the inside (such as barebacking in spite of rising HIV, syphlis and hepatitis transmissions) but fight tooth and nail against any religious figure who criticizes us for just those reasons. We put on these garish, self-righteous spectacles celebrating "Pride" but we turn around and treat each other like disposable sex toys. We don't internally address the drug use, the nearly Orwellian body image pressures, the materialism or the hich-school-ish obsession with social status.
People, the 70's are way over. The party was fun but its time to step out of the consequence-free bubble and evolve. Lets stop being a queer sub-culture and start being progressive individuals.
And thats it for now. I am tired. Its late.
In closing, I would like to say the following:
Game on, bitches.
But I am giving all of you reading this fair warning. You are probably not going to like my journal so it may be in both our best interests if you defriend me.
In that spirit, I am offering anyone who has the testicular fortitude to hang with me the opportunity to comment to this post saying they would like to remain on my "friends" list. Within 48 hours of this posting, I will be severing ties with anyone who does not respond.
If you do decide to stay on, here is a taste of what you can expect to see:
After much soul searching and deep contemplation, I have come to certain realizations.
1. I don't care if I go the rest of my life without getting laid or having a boyfriend. As such, I absolutely refuse to pull any punches with regards to my opinions or to limit my own enjoyment or expression of that which fascinates me. I don't care if anyone finds me distasteful or off-putting.
I'm not blogging to get laid or to impress anyone. I'm not going to carefully consider what I'm putting out there for the purposes of marketing myself to the gay community (or any other community for that matter). This is me. I won't self-censor...it would completely undermine my purpose in keeping the journal.
So if that bothers anyone or offends you, defriend me, grow a thicker skin or perhaps develop a sense of humour.
But please, don't ever caution me that what I'm saying is "scaring people away"....that will only make me see you as a pussy conformist....and I am so over pussy conformists.
2. The aforementioned purpose of keeping this blog is to work through my personal ideas and thoughts in a more interactive way than scribbling diatribes on papers noone will ever see. A handsome leather-bound journal from some snooty book store will never offer me engaging arguement or suggest new sources of information. Presumably, people reading my journal will.
I have recently come to the conclusion that if I am to get the full benefit from performing stand-up comedy, I need to speak directly from my experience and opinions. Otherwise, I am just another smartass trying to be the class clown thinking it will make him popular.
Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce were all intimately familiar with their truest feelings and weren't afraid to cut loose with it on stage. I need to work through my ideas, evolve my opinions and seek a broader understanding in order to do the same.
Somewhere along the line, I became obligated to the people on my friends list. I couldn't be honest about who I was or how I was feeling in any given moment becuase I didn't want any of you to think less of me....which, given my last posting and its response, was a valid concern. But thats over. This is my journal and I will say what I want, even if its wrong, horrible, offensive, self-defeating, pissy, judgemental, immature, unfunny, unproductive, disturbing, inaccurate, petulant, pedantic, sycophantic or openly hostile. The safety is off.
3. I am a very angry person under all this learned congenial mannerism. I hate. I don't hate people though. I hate bullshit. I hate lifestyle. I hate elitism. I hate materialism. I hate that sludge-like omni-present pressure to just accept shit as it is and join the flock. I hate that self-satisfied, effete cockiness people walk around with when they know that they're a part of a "community". I hate how "nice" and "bland" have become interchangeable. I hate art created to be a pleasant, non-threatening and thoroughly forgettable background for lifestyle. I hate well-tread, thoroughly proved-to-be-shite ways of acting and interacting that persist just because its easier than thinking independantly. I hate blame. I hate the zombie-like trance that people that people walk through life in. I hate that noone sees consequence as a good thing and that most people will fight tooth and nail to avoid it...
And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Having said that, I am a very engaged and engaging person and I love being alive and I love people. I love our potential. I love not knowing even the slightest recordable fraction about how the universe works. I love learning in general and, specifically, that moment when you assimilate a tidbit of wisdom that blows your hair back. I love being completely awed by nature. I love art that raises an emotional response in me. I even love it that, likley, most of the people in the world today know more than me. I also love that I am capable of this kind of love.
I think it balances out in the end.
4. Being gay sucks for me. This probably more than any other of my issues, will result in me never getting laid or being "popular" but fuck it. I wasn't getting laid when I was pretending to be full of gay pride so what have I got to lose?
From where I stand, as a willing outsider, it appears to me that all of this "celebration of diversity" stuff that the gay community loves to wrap itself in is a bunch of aged, pungent bullshit.
We're nothing more than a bunch of insecure, frightened, lonely creatures who never found acceptance from the straight world so we've gone and created a mirror image of it called the "gay community" with all the same tendencies toward elitism, shallowness, overly rigid social rules, hostillity towards outsiders, classism, self-hatred and materialism but fed through a rainbow colored filter. And if you doubt this, ask yourself why you're not friends with more people you would never have sex with.
We will turn a blind eye to sexual practices that are decaying us from the inside (such as barebacking in spite of rising HIV, syphlis and hepatitis transmissions) but fight tooth and nail against any religious figure who criticizes us for just those reasons. We put on these garish, self-righteous spectacles celebrating "Pride" but we turn around and treat each other like disposable sex toys. We don't internally address the drug use, the nearly Orwellian body image pressures, the materialism or the hich-school-ish obsession with social status.
People, the 70's are way over. The party was fun but its time to step out of the consequence-free bubble and evolve. Lets stop being a queer sub-culture and start being progressive individuals.
And thats it for now. I am tired. Its late.
In closing, I would like to say the following:
Game on, bitches.