Ask Jamin: life partner
Dear Jamin, What exactly do you look for in a life partner?
I've put a lot of thought into this question over the years and I think it is largely the reason that I've remained single for the majority of those years. I've tried writing lists of desirable characteristics and then granted a percentage score to individuals I was considering as a potential partner. This approach was flawed because a lot of the points on this insanely long list became characteristics of people I'd been attracted to and thus the list was, rather than what would make me happy, a list of what I'd already had. Next I tried something suggested by my church which was three lists: must haves (spirit filled Christian, passion for worship, etc), desirables (plays an instrument, deep thinker, owns a hymen, etc), and third was a list of deal breakers (smoker, has children, has serious STD, etc). A review of this list without faith blinkers revealed why that church has such a low marriage rate. Since then, I've attempted to address the fundamental problems with long list writing and come up with a logically viable process for selecting a life partner. Clearly, the fact that I am still single shows that my system isn't yet perfect.
I have boiled down my selection criteria into several elastic concepts which direct me in partner selection. I will outline these below.
1) Biological Compatibility
This is the point which generally gets me labled as "shallow" by people who don't understand how critical it is. I have been blessed with numerous senses with witch I can quickly assess the potential biological compatibility of myself with a potential partner. Most obviously, I need to think they are attractive. My brain is hard wired to check for visual signs of disease or defect. I am also prone to overlook the faults of somebody I find attractive. A certain degree of flaw blindness is helpful in any relationship where you are living in close proximity to another person. Also, I want successful kids and and statistically, attractive people are more likely to be successful in life. Sound is an indicator. If she has a voice I find pleasant, then I'll be constantly reminded of t least one reason that I'm with her even during an argument. Body odour is another important one and I place as much value on this as appearance. After a day in the sun, some people smell like a bag of manure and some people smell like ripe strawberries, and who smells like this is different for each person. Generally it is an indicator of complimentary inherant immunities if a person smells awesome. Taste is an extension of smell, I'll never get into a long term relationship with somebody who is unpleasant to kiss. All love like feelings and admiration of fantastic personality evaporate if her mouth is like rancid meat. These points may sound shallow to a romantic; but sometimes, when a relationship is stretched to breaking point, the fact that you can become completely at peace by raiding the laundry hamper for a partner's dirty shirt or watching them wriggle into a pair of skinnies is going to mean a lot.
2) Complimentary Conversation Styles
Nearly everything about a person can change over the years but it is very rare for a person's conversation style to change without deliberate effort and training by Dr. Henry Higgins. As such, a person who passes the physical exam must now attempt the oral. I've found I can get along with most people in the right setting, but a life partner needs to be able to handle me uncensored for extended periods of time and must also be able to be a confidant, counsellor, collaborator and fan club. While I am fully capable of maintaining both sides of a conversation on my own, I am most fulfilled when talking to somebody who is genuinely interested in what I have to say on various topics and also keen to add relevant points of their own. Social communication is a form of self disclosure. A person who doesn't appreciate my eruptions of excitement at learning some new thing or finally solving a problem I've been mulling for several months really doesn't understand who I am and there will always be a level of intimacy we can never share. When children have grown, bodies have sagged, and memories are fading, there isn't much left but conversation. Sure, you might enjoy watching re-runs of The Simpsons together, but what do you do during a blackout?
The other side of effective communication is practical communication. This is the critical relationship stuff like how you communicate that you care for each other, and how you deal with issues. Effective arguing is hugely important. I could not be with a person who could not set their emotions aside to rationally break down an issue and talk it through with me.
Lack of casual as well as practical communication is a deal breaker.
3) Values and Passion
I'm not so much concerned about what a person values as I am that they value something. Values change over time in any case but a person who is passionate about something will always be passionate about something. A person who has no real opinion on anything can be boring even if they are a great conversationalist. If there is a passion I can share then it can be something that we can work on together and that is a very practical way of strengthening a relationship.
4) Finally I go through all the quirks, habits and interesting things. It is rare to find a deal breaker in these but it is worth a look. If she smokes, has major body image issues, is prone to negative thinking patterns and so on, these would be problems I would want to try to address before suggesting marriage. Personal flaws don't need to all be fixed, if there is a habit of successful self improvement apparent then that is enough for me. Most character traits are what make a person unique. There really aren't any specific ones that I value as higher than others. Whatever the person I choose to love are the ones I will eventually preference. Sexuality would also go in this category. I can go either way regarding monogamy or polyamoury but if I'm going to have a long term relationship with somebody then a healthy sex life is a must. I will not marry somebody I haven't had sex with if I can possibly avoid it. I've been with too many sex goddesses to ever want to be stuck in a long term situation with a dud.
There are several things I have specifically NOT included in this process.
1) "Chemistry"
This mystic, non-quantifiable doesn't really have a place in a logical reality.
2) Love
Similarly, love has no place in the beginning of a relationship except as a word to make partners feel comfortable. I am not convinced that love of the instant variety is worth much. The feeling of comfort and general contentedness which develops after several years of in a quality relationship is what I'm after and I'm happy to call that love if something has to have the title.
3) Common Interests
Aside from cocktail discussions, I think I'd just as soon partner with a person who has no common interests to me. I'm interested in pretty much everything other than watching sport so I'm sure I would find an interest in something she likes, and I've got no doubt I could sell her on many of my passions too.
I've put a lot of thought into this question over the years and I think it is largely the reason that I've remained single for the majority of those years. I've tried writing lists of desirable characteristics and then granted a percentage score to individuals I was considering as a potential partner. This approach was flawed because a lot of the points on this insanely long list became characteristics of people I'd been attracted to and thus the list was, rather than what would make me happy, a list of what I'd already had. Next I tried something suggested by my church which was three lists: must haves (spirit filled Christian, passion for worship, etc), desirables (plays an instrument, deep thinker, owns a hymen, etc), and third was a list of deal breakers (smoker, has children, has serious STD, etc). A review of this list without faith blinkers revealed why that church has such a low marriage rate. Since then, I've attempted to address the fundamental problems with long list writing and come up with a logically viable process for selecting a life partner. Clearly, the fact that I am still single shows that my system isn't yet perfect.
I have boiled down my selection criteria into several elastic concepts which direct me in partner selection. I will outline these below.
1) Biological Compatibility
This is the point which generally gets me labled as "shallow" by people who don't understand how critical it is. I have been blessed with numerous senses with witch I can quickly assess the potential biological compatibility of myself with a potential partner. Most obviously, I need to think they are attractive. My brain is hard wired to check for visual signs of disease or defect. I am also prone to overlook the faults of somebody I find attractive. A certain degree of flaw blindness is helpful in any relationship where you are living in close proximity to another person. Also, I want successful kids and and statistically, attractive people are more likely to be successful in life. Sound is an indicator. If she has a voice I find pleasant, then I'll be constantly reminded of t least one reason that I'm with her even during an argument. Body odour is another important one and I place as much value on this as appearance. After a day in the sun, some people smell like a bag of manure and some people smell like ripe strawberries, and who smells like this is different for each person. Generally it is an indicator of complimentary inherant immunities if a person smells awesome. Taste is an extension of smell, I'll never get into a long term relationship with somebody who is unpleasant to kiss. All love like feelings and admiration of fantastic personality evaporate if her mouth is like rancid meat. These points may sound shallow to a romantic; but sometimes, when a relationship is stretched to breaking point, the fact that you can become completely at peace by raiding the laundry hamper for a partner's dirty shirt or watching them wriggle into a pair of skinnies is going to mean a lot.
2) Complimentary Conversation Styles
Nearly everything about a person can change over the years but it is very rare for a person's conversation style to change without deliberate effort and training by Dr. Henry Higgins. As such, a person who passes the physical exam must now attempt the oral. I've found I can get along with most people in the right setting, but a life partner needs to be able to handle me uncensored for extended periods of time and must also be able to be a confidant, counsellor, collaborator and fan club. While I am fully capable of maintaining both sides of a conversation on my own, I am most fulfilled when talking to somebody who is genuinely interested in what I have to say on various topics and also keen to add relevant points of their own. Social communication is a form of self disclosure. A person who doesn't appreciate my eruptions of excitement at learning some new thing or finally solving a problem I've been mulling for several months really doesn't understand who I am and there will always be a level of intimacy we can never share. When children have grown, bodies have sagged, and memories are fading, there isn't much left but conversation. Sure, you might enjoy watching re-runs of The Simpsons together, but what do you do during a blackout?
The other side of effective communication is practical communication. This is the critical relationship stuff like how you communicate that you care for each other, and how you deal with issues. Effective arguing is hugely important. I could not be with a person who could not set their emotions aside to rationally break down an issue and talk it through with me.
Lack of casual as well as practical communication is a deal breaker.
3) Values and Passion
I'm not so much concerned about what a person values as I am that they value something. Values change over time in any case but a person who is passionate about something will always be passionate about something. A person who has no real opinion on anything can be boring even if they are a great conversationalist. If there is a passion I can share then it can be something that we can work on together and that is a very practical way of strengthening a relationship.
4) Finally I go through all the quirks, habits and interesting things. It is rare to find a deal breaker in these but it is worth a look. If she smokes, has major body image issues, is prone to negative thinking patterns and so on, these would be problems I would want to try to address before suggesting marriage. Personal flaws don't need to all be fixed, if there is a habit of successful self improvement apparent then that is enough for me. Most character traits are what make a person unique. There really aren't any specific ones that I value as higher than others. Whatever the person I choose to love are the ones I will eventually preference. Sexuality would also go in this category. I can go either way regarding monogamy or polyamoury but if I'm going to have a long term relationship with somebody then a healthy sex life is a must. I will not marry somebody I haven't had sex with if I can possibly avoid it. I've been with too many sex goddesses to ever want to be stuck in a long term situation with a dud.
There are several things I have specifically NOT included in this process.
1) "Chemistry"
This mystic, non-quantifiable doesn't really have a place in a logical reality.
2) Love
Similarly, love has no place in the beginning of a relationship except as a word to make partners feel comfortable. I am not convinced that love of the instant variety is worth much. The feeling of comfort and general contentedness which develops after several years of in a quality relationship is what I'm after and I'm happy to call that love if something has to have the title.
3) Common Interests
Aside from cocktail discussions, I think I'd just as soon partner with a person who has no common interests to me. I'm interested in pretty much everything other than watching sport so I'm sure I would find an interest in something she likes, and I've got no doubt I could sell her on many of my passions too.