rapids on concious
I am exhausted but I can't slow down. My thoughts are racing. I feel like there is too much inside of me to contain in my skin. I feel my own physical boundaries stretched to breaking point. My head is throbbing. I can feel the under side of my finger nails against my skin and the pressure of the nails against the edges. I can feel the weight of my hair and clothes. My body feels large and cumbersome. It doesn't move as quickly as I want it to. My eyes are dry and sore. I have to remind myself to blink. My computer fan is bugging me. I want to do something interesting but I know I need to sleep. I clench my toes and I can feel the callouses between them. My monitor is too bright.
I want to race. I want to fill my world with interesting and exciting experiences. I don't want to waste a single moment. Yet I'm sitting at home writing about this rather than getting out and experiencing this world. I'm writing yet another of these posts which my friends get offended by because I seem ungrateful to them. Or that I seem to be implying that they are not enough to meet my social needs. I don't know. I want to do all the things I share with my friends but I also want to do everything else too. I want to chalenge myself with new and interesting ideas, concepts, people, places, experiences, emotions, colour, chaos, complexity. Fill my head with so much new information that I cannot absorb any more. Run until I cannot stand. The whole world is moving so slowly.
I feel like I should be perfect. I should be able to pick up an instrument and know how to play it within a few minutes. I've got ears and hands and a brain. If I know the sounds I want to make and the movements required for the instrument to make those sounds it should be a simple process to make the instrument make those sounds. I should be able to play the piano as easily as I can hum a tune in my head. Well, maybe several tunes if there are chords. Four tunes really. Three paralelle tunes to make up the base line and a single tune to make most melodies. Hum four tunes at once. Doesn't sound so hard. Perhaps I'll buy a violin and teach myself to play on nights when everybody is too slack to get out of the house.
Of course I could be drawing something but I'm not. What haven't I done much drawing lately? I haven't even picked up a paintbrush since I moved into this new house. I guess I don't feel safe pulling out the paints in the common areas where the dog could get into them and my room. Well actually my room would be a fine place to set up an artist space. In fact I could set one up next to the computer so I could paint while I listen to music or watch movies. That could be a good plan.
I wonder how many words I've written so far. My fingers are racing but they are still having trouble keeping up with my thoughts. I am typing at the speed of a verry slow man speaking. Perhaps with a stutter since I keep having to go back when I hit the wrong keys. I'm not even looking at the screen. I haven't really learned to touch type with much speed though I have been practicing. Right now I'm just watching my fingers dacing over the keys and I'm not paying much attention to the words after they've appeared on the scren. They're writting so they h=can leave my head. Perhaps this is a way of realeasing the pressure in my head. I can't feel the headache so much now. I'm focussing and that must be a good thing. I might even be able to sleep when I go to bed. I was wondering how many words I've written. I'm curious to see what 1667 words looks like on the screen because that is how many I'm going to need to write every day for thirty days beginning on Sunday if I expect to have 50,000 words down in a single month.
726 words now. So I'll need to write slightly more than double this every day. That shouldn't be too hard. I wrote all this in just twenty minutes and am only just now beginning to slow down.
My brain is getting tired. Not racing so much anymore. Good. I'm going to go get some sleep. I've got a busy weekend planned. I'm looking forward to the Nanowrimo KOP tomorrow. I wonder who will be there. Maybe some old faces. Hopefully some new ones. This will be a good time to expand my networks. Spread my more extreme personality issues over a larger blast radius. We'll see how that works.
My internet device isn't working properly. It keeps kicking me off the internet. Why did I sign a six month contract for this piece of crap? Only three months to go now but it is proving to be a waste of money so far. I'll be canceling the service as soon as I'm out of the contract. Maybe even earlier if it is financially viable.
Okay. I'm back online now. Wait. No I'm not. I will be soon and then I'll post this. Ah, here we go. Posting now!
I want to race. I want to fill my world with interesting and exciting experiences. I don't want to waste a single moment. Yet I'm sitting at home writing about this rather than getting out and experiencing this world. I'm writing yet another of these posts which my friends get offended by because I seem ungrateful to them. Or that I seem to be implying that they are not enough to meet my social needs. I don't know. I want to do all the things I share with my friends but I also want to do everything else too. I want to chalenge myself with new and interesting ideas, concepts, people, places, experiences, emotions, colour, chaos, complexity. Fill my head with so much new information that I cannot absorb any more. Run until I cannot stand. The whole world is moving so slowly.
I feel like I should be perfect. I should be able to pick up an instrument and know how to play it within a few minutes. I've got ears and hands and a brain. If I know the sounds I want to make and the movements required for the instrument to make those sounds it should be a simple process to make the instrument make those sounds. I should be able to play the piano as easily as I can hum a tune in my head. Well, maybe several tunes if there are chords. Four tunes really. Three paralelle tunes to make up the base line and a single tune to make most melodies. Hum four tunes at once. Doesn't sound so hard. Perhaps I'll buy a violin and teach myself to play on nights when everybody is too slack to get out of the house.
Of course I could be drawing something but I'm not. What haven't I done much drawing lately? I haven't even picked up a paintbrush since I moved into this new house. I guess I don't feel safe pulling out the paints in the common areas where the dog could get into them and my room. Well actually my room would be a fine place to set up an artist space. In fact I could set one up next to the computer so I could paint while I listen to music or watch movies. That could be a good plan.
I wonder how many words I've written so far. My fingers are racing but they are still having trouble keeping up with my thoughts. I am typing at the speed of a verry slow man speaking. Perhaps with a stutter since I keep having to go back when I hit the wrong keys. I'm not even looking at the screen. I haven't really learned to touch type with much speed though I have been practicing. Right now I'm just watching my fingers dacing over the keys and I'm not paying much attention to the words after they've appeared on the scren. They're writting so they h=can leave my head. Perhaps this is a way of realeasing the pressure in my head. I can't feel the headache so much now. I'm focussing and that must be a good thing. I might even be able to sleep when I go to bed. I was wondering how many words I've written. I'm curious to see what 1667 words looks like on the screen because that is how many I'm going to need to write every day for thirty days beginning on Sunday if I expect to have 50,000 words down in a single month.
726 words now. So I'll need to write slightly more than double this every day. That shouldn't be too hard. I wrote all this in just twenty minutes and am only just now beginning to slow down.
My brain is getting tired. Not racing so much anymore. Good. I'm going to go get some sleep. I've got a busy weekend planned. I'm looking forward to the Nanowrimo KOP tomorrow. I wonder who will be there. Maybe some old faces. Hopefully some new ones. This will be a good time to expand my networks. Spread my more extreme personality issues over a larger blast radius. We'll see how that works.
My internet device isn't working properly. It keeps kicking me off the internet. Why did I sign a six month contract for this piece of crap? Only three months to go now but it is proving to be a waste of money so far. I'll be canceling the service as soon as I'm out of the contract. Maybe even earlier if it is financially viable.
Okay. I'm back online now. Wait. No I'm not. I will be soon and then I'll post this. Ah, here we go. Posting now!