FML
Ugh, this week has been rough. I guess I've had to consciously admit something that I've sorta known for a while - which is basically that, as a result of several very important people in my life leaving, I've basically shut myself off from the world in an effort to avoid getting hurt again. On some levels, it's a fairly obvious and unimportant revelation, I guess. On the other hand, for the first time I've given serious consideration into the notion of putting a stop to that, to not being so goddamn callous.
I dunno, though, it's just so damn hard. I mean, nothing I can do at this point will change the past. My closest friends moved away, my girlfriend dumped me (like, two years ago, and I really shouldn't give a fuck now but she meant the world to me, leaving me no choice but to desperately try just to forget her entirely). So there's a big part of me that says "Fuck it, you learned your lesson here, you got attached to people and everyone's gonna leave you eventually, so why bother?"
But, lately the lack of any real meaning to my life has been really bugging me. Used to be friendship and love, but for the longest time I had given up on that and tried desperately to find some meaning that doesn't involve other people. But maybe this is unrealistic - maybe my whole problem is that friendship/love really is the answer. But ack, another part of me is saying it's a sign of weakness and failure that I haven't been able to manage life on my own. After all, everyone else has dreams and passions, things they want to accomplish and all that jazz, and what is the most I've ever wanted? To be surrounded by close friends, to be loved. That's just fucking pathetic. Talk about setting the bar low.
I guess that's the other element of it - constant reminders that I'm too much of a pathetic loser to deserve friends or anything like that. *sigh*
I dunno, though, it's just so damn hard. I mean, nothing I can do at this point will change the past. My closest friends moved away, my girlfriend dumped me (like, two years ago, and I really shouldn't give a fuck now but she meant the world to me, leaving me no choice but to desperately try just to forget her entirely). So there's a big part of me that says "Fuck it, you learned your lesson here, you got attached to people and everyone's gonna leave you eventually, so why bother?"
But, lately the lack of any real meaning to my life has been really bugging me. Used to be friendship and love, but for the longest time I had given up on that and tried desperately to find some meaning that doesn't involve other people. But maybe this is unrealistic - maybe my whole problem is that friendship/love really is the answer. But ack, another part of me is saying it's a sign of weakness and failure that I haven't been able to manage life on my own. After all, everyone else has dreams and passions, things they want to accomplish and all that jazz, and what is the most I've ever wanted? To be surrounded by close friends, to be loved. That's just fucking pathetic. Talk about setting the bar low.
I guess that's the other element of it - constant reminders that I'm too much of a pathetic loser to deserve friends or anything like that. *sigh*