I never post in my own live journal.
it sucks but Im just saying this in here so I can say it and not have people get on me for not being positive. Im also not wanting a pity party or looking for attention which many people do on facebook or tumblr so Im just saying it here.
Im fucking depressed. Im aware this has to do with my menstrual cycle, it clearly gets worse every month but Im seriously in full on pissed off mode. The Secret isnt helping. trying to stay positive isnt helping. I realize I am someone who needs to vent out her frustrations yet sadly I have no one to vent them to. So here it is and here it will stay.
Ive come to realize I have cried at least once a day for the passed two weeks. Even when incredibly happy and its been an absolutely fabulous day something or someone will do something to set me off. More often than not its been my mom. I love her and shes been in so much pain and struggling so much with sciatica that I cant even imagine how upset and frustrated she is. I feel bad that shes pissing me off but she is.
She expects the sun and the moon from me and I cant give it to her. I need to get away from her sooo bad but a) she cant be without me and b) as much as I hate to admit it, I cant be without her. As annoying as she can be I love her way too much to let her go.
I need to get away though, I am too overwhelmed by everything and everyone.
I have great things happening right now. I have an album out and shows and its a lot of work but work I love. That being said it just seems like no matter what I do it just isnt enough. Im in that mode of not pleasing everyone no matter how hard I try. And no they dont tell me so and they DO thank me and love me but still I feel pulled in all directions and I have had nothing for myself.
They took away my food stamps. I dont even want to get into why but I need to get them back. Especially now that Im broke for another week. No worries I will get paid on Thursday but still I hate not being able to go out.
I need to make more and more money. Money isnt the answer but I have to pay for so many things that its the only thing I can try to go for right now.
This post makes no sense. I dont care, its just my brain leaking.
I need new clothes. I need to take care of myself again.
I need to get this fucking computer fixed.
I shouldnt want shows to be over with I should be looking forward to them and all the fun. All the work that has gone into them though has made me just want the record release to be done with.
Its not the performance although trying to schedule practice has been a chore and a half. Its the expectation of draw.
I gotta say, Im truly disgusted with people. Over 200 friends on facebook and only 3 went to our love muffins show on Monday. I know its a monday night, but really? I got an rsvp of about 30 for the record release which is awesome. I am truly grateful because they have to pay to go. That being said, I want to give everyone who always claim to plan on coming a big fuck you for never showing also a huge fuck you to those who rsvp and never go. I support others in their endeavors the least you can do is go to a show or two. Its humiliating when we book a show and no one comes out. We need a promoter. Friends are great but fans are what we need now. People who see our name in the paper and go, "Oh yeah I heard their music I wanna see them!" Draw gets us more venues. More draw more weekend shows. More weekend shows more people willing to come out. Lwets keep our fingers crossed shall we?
I dont think people realize how much it hurts when you have to force yourself to ask people who tell you they are your friends to come to a show only for them to brush you off. I especially find it insulting when people tell me 10 bucks is too much for them and they have a job that pays them better than mine. Apparently I am not worth 10 bucks but when you wanna go to a restaurant thats really expensive you expect me to go and pay my part of the check that on minimum would be 20 bucks. Fuck you.
Also when I offer you a free download of an ep and your response is "uhh isnt there anywhere I can just listen to it online? I dont want to download something if I dont know what it sounds like". Fine I will play nice and send you a link to myspace or soundcloud. "yeah ok, i will try to listen to it when I get the chance". Jeez a free cd was offered to you by a FRIEND and you act like its a fucking chore. Ugh!
Yeah Im ranting and annoyed. I am bitter. But only here. I still am trying to maintain positivity but I have been bombarded with bullshit.
My mom has sciatica. She has had problems sleeping, getting out of bed, walking, bending over, you name it. I have been helping her. Cooking, cleaning, getting things she cant reach, running errands, etc. I woke up today with the plan of going to social security to try to figure out what is up with my ebt and then having a nice night seeing a friend perform in williamsburg. Instead I woke up with a bad back and unable to move around much. I call them about my ebt and schedule an appointment with a case worker. I call Jay and cancel. I havent heard from him all day and all night. I get nervous. We talk everyday. Sometimes more than 5 times a day. I hope hes ok. He more than likely is Im just an annoying nurturing person that worries about her friends cuz I love them.
Despite being sick mom has still gone to work. She comes home sees me hunched over as I try to clean. She gives me that disappointed look like 'hmmph you didnt do anything you said you would". I tell her my back is out. She is not shocked. I have been bending down to pick things up for two weeks running around, going up and dwn train stairs, had a show, trying to get an album mastered, had no rest so yeah my back is busted. Does she at least respect that and ease up on me? No. Even though she has gone to work when she should have been resting. She insists on me doing laundry AND making dinner. Does she help me? Oh of course not shes in pain with sciatica. I keep dropping clothes on the floor, struggle NOT ASK her for help but she insists on everytime I have to bend over to remind me "well Im in pain too i cant help you!" I didnt say anything but thanks for making me feel like I shouldnt be complaining just in case I plan on it!
Its bad enough that Im in pain but its even worse because Im in pain for helping her and yet I shouldnt stp helping her because I am struggling!
I have no one to help me yet Im expected to do it all. I made baked ziti, she complained i didnt put enough salt. I did the laundry and put most of it away. Shes upset that i didnt put it all away even though the stuff i left was at the bottom of the cart that hurt to reach for.
Ive been crying so often, mainly cuz I have no one to go to. no one wants to hear it. If i post it in facebook Im being a debbie downer. tumblr is full of emo teenagers complaining how life is hard and I dont want to join the crowd. literally no joke this girl posted a pic of her brother and told this horrible story about how her brother died before his birthday in a car wreck and that their family disowned him cuz he went to jail for assault after punching her ex boyfriend who was beating her. She claimed she felt alone and unloved and missed her brother. Then of course asked people to reblog if they wanted to wish her brother a happy birthday. Which to me translates to "reblog this so i can get popular through my own drama" I was so sickened. I refuse to air my drama on there for fear that people would think i would do the same thing. Ugh teenagers! LOL. I just have to remember that they dont realize how stupid that is.
I just need a hug. Plain and simple. I need to feel happy and I need my own privacy. I think thats why I have been yearning to get away because since my moms back is so fucked up she cant sleep in the bedroom so shes here in the living room sleeping either on the futon or the floor depending on how her back feels. Shes been doing that for a week now. I cant play music without her huffing and asking me to put it down, i cant go on the phone without her waking up and asking who it is? She even gets annoyed that I texted too loudly. I cant watch MY tv anymore (not that i watch much of it anyways)because she needs to fall asleep to matlock or cheers or some stupid shit.
Now shes yelling at me cuz I have work in a few hours and Im not in bed. Ugh someone please just help me!
Im fucking depressed. Im aware this has to do with my menstrual cycle, it clearly gets worse every month but Im seriously in full on pissed off mode. The Secret isnt helping. trying to stay positive isnt helping. I realize I am someone who needs to vent out her frustrations yet sadly I have no one to vent them to. So here it is and here it will stay.
Ive come to realize I have cried at least once a day for the passed two weeks. Even when incredibly happy and its been an absolutely fabulous day something or someone will do something to set me off. More often than not its been my mom. I love her and shes been in so much pain and struggling so much with sciatica that I cant even imagine how upset and frustrated she is. I feel bad that shes pissing me off but she is.
She expects the sun and the moon from me and I cant give it to her. I need to get away from her sooo bad but a) she cant be without me and b) as much as I hate to admit it, I cant be without her. As annoying as she can be I love her way too much to let her go.
I need to get away though, I am too overwhelmed by everything and everyone.
I have great things happening right now. I have an album out and shows and its a lot of work but work I love. That being said it just seems like no matter what I do it just isnt enough. Im in that mode of not pleasing everyone no matter how hard I try. And no they dont tell me so and they DO thank me and love me but still I feel pulled in all directions and I have had nothing for myself.
They took away my food stamps. I dont even want to get into why but I need to get them back. Especially now that Im broke for another week. No worries I will get paid on Thursday but still I hate not being able to go out.
I need to make more and more money. Money isnt the answer but I have to pay for so many things that its the only thing I can try to go for right now.
This post makes no sense. I dont care, its just my brain leaking.
I need new clothes. I need to take care of myself again.
I need to get this fucking computer fixed.
I shouldnt want shows to be over with I should be looking forward to them and all the fun. All the work that has gone into them though has made me just want the record release to be done with.
Its not the performance although trying to schedule practice has been a chore and a half. Its the expectation of draw.
I gotta say, Im truly disgusted with people. Over 200 friends on facebook and only 3 went to our love muffins show on Monday. I know its a monday night, but really? I got an rsvp of about 30 for the record release which is awesome. I am truly grateful because they have to pay to go. That being said, I want to give everyone who always claim to plan on coming a big fuck you for never showing also a huge fuck you to those who rsvp and never go. I support others in their endeavors the least you can do is go to a show or two. Its humiliating when we book a show and no one comes out. We need a promoter. Friends are great but fans are what we need now. People who see our name in the paper and go, "Oh yeah I heard their music I wanna see them!" Draw gets us more venues. More draw more weekend shows. More weekend shows more people willing to come out. Lwets keep our fingers crossed shall we?
I dont think people realize how much it hurts when you have to force yourself to ask people who tell you they are your friends to come to a show only for them to brush you off. I especially find it insulting when people tell me 10 bucks is too much for them and they have a job that pays them better than mine. Apparently I am not worth 10 bucks but when you wanna go to a restaurant thats really expensive you expect me to go and pay my part of the check that on minimum would be 20 bucks. Fuck you.
Also when I offer you a free download of an ep and your response is "uhh isnt there anywhere I can just listen to it online? I dont want to download something if I dont know what it sounds like". Fine I will play nice and send you a link to myspace or soundcloud. "yeah ok, i will try to listen to it when I get the chance". Jeez a free cd was offered to you by a FRIEND and you act like its a fucking chore. Ugh!
Yeah Im ranting and annoyed. I am bitter. But only here. I still am trying to maintain positivity but I have been bombarded with bullshit.
My mom has sciatica. She has had problems sleeping, getting out of bed, walking, bending over, you name it. I have been helping her. Cooking, cleaning, getting things she cant reach, running errands, etc. I woke up today with the plan of going to social security to try to figure out what is up with my ebt and then having a nice night seeing a friend perform in williamsburg. Instead I woke up with a bad back and unable to move around much. I call them about my ebt and schedule an appointment with a case worker. I call Jay and cancel. I havent heard from him all day and all night. I get nervous. We talk everyday. Sometimes more than 5 times a day. I hope hes ok. He more than likely is Im just an annoying nurturing person that worries about her friends cuz I love them.
Despite being sick mom has still gone to work. She comes home sees me hunched over as I try to clean. She gives me that disappointed look like 'hmmph you didnt do anything you said you would". I tell her my back is out. She is not shocked. I have been bending down to pick things up for two weeks running around, going up and dwn train stairs, had a show, trying to get an album mastered, had no rest so yeah my back is busted. Does she at least respect that and ease up on me? No. Even though she has gone to work when she should have been resting. She insists on me doing laundry AND making dinner. Does she help me? Oh of course not shes in pain with sciatica. I keep dropping clothes on the floor, struggle NOT ASK her for help but she insists on everytime I have to bend over to remind me "well Im in pain too i cant help you!" I didnt say anything but thanks for making me feel like I shouldnt be complaining just in case I plan on it!
Its bad enough that Im in pain but its even worse because Im in pain for helping her and yet I shouldnt stp helping her because I am struggling!
I have no one to help me yet Im expected to do it all. I made baked ziti, she complained i didnt put enough salt. I did the laundry and put most of it away. Shes upset that i didnt put it all away even though the stuff i left was at the bottom of the cart that hurt to reach for.
Ive been crying so often, mainly cuz I have no one to go to. no one wants to hear it. If i post it in facebook Im being a debbie downer. tumblr is full of emo teenagers complaining how life is hard and I dont want to join the crowd. literally no joke this girl posted a pic of her brother and told this horrible story about how her brother died before his birthday in a car wreck and that their family disowned him cuz he went to jail for assault after punching her ex boyfriend who was beating her. She claimed she felt alone and unloved and missed her brother. Then of course asked people to reblog if they wanted to wish her brother a happy birthday. Which to me translates to "reblog this so i can get popular through my own drama" I was so sickened. I refuse to air my drama on there for fear that people would think i would do the same thing. Ugh teenagers! LOL. I just have to remember that they dont realize how stupid that is.
I just need a hug. Plain and simple. I need to feel happy and I need my own privacy. I think thats why I have been yearning to get away because since my moms back is so fucked up she cant sleep in the bedroom so shes here in the living room sleeping either on the futon or the floor depending on how her back feels. Shes been doing that for a week now. I cant play music without her huffing and asking me to put it down, i cant go on the phone without her waking up and asking who it is? She even gets annoyed that I texted too loudly. I cant watch MY tv anymore (not that i watch much of it anyways)because she needs to fall asleep to matlock or cheers or some stupid shit.
Now shes yelling at me cuz I have work in a few hours and Im not in bed. Ugh someone please just help me!