Disassociative
So I’ve documented my failings as a person for more than a decade on this journal.
I’ve come to the realization that I’m extremely dissociative at this point in my life. It’s not one thing or another just a cumulative effect. It’s cliche & weak to “blame your parents” every self help book or video says that & to step up ect. But in my cause there is a clear explanation that can at lest lay a basic failure for my situation.
I had issues going back years academically & career wise. The whole beat down of my affiliate group is well documented in pop culture & media. That’s not the point here for me it’s more of my heritage point of membership to class is what dropped me. Yes you can read men’s blogs about all the situation around & such But at the end of the day if someone Me has social status, I do still pull attraction.
My problem is that all of my life I’ve bounced between being on the low end of my own making to being on the high by playing the part & hitting all of the points. My marriage could have worked if I did get some financial support from my parents. The thing is that most given our family got desiccated by the death of my attractive young sister you would think that they would be down with someone popping out grandchildren for their only son? That wasn’t the case for me as I got cut off when I married her & based on my own resources at my shitty casino job at the time & my unconventional living situation it failed miserably.
To be honest it was such a mind numbing experience that I pretty much had the whole married life fantasy scared out of me. One could categorize me as “going their own way” after being faced with scary financial consequences of the divorce industry but in that situation my parents did spare no expense in “Lawyering Up” to make sure I wasn’t anally obligated.
Yes I do see that being married with kids isn’t the panacea. Though it does sting at this point of my life. TBH seeing the whole family happiness on vacation on a Facebook newsfeed is more depressing than anything else.
So with that in mind the whole MTV Siesta Key reality show is sort of my “best case scenario” ironically I’m in that neighborhood when I visit during the winter. My family isn’t “Gary” wealthy but I do get to play the extreme upper middle class fancy (so not upper class although perception is another thing) to the list where some of their friends try to pimp their daughters/granddaughters on my because “we’re a nice family” but deep down inside I know I don’t have the bling to “maintain a rich girl with a certain level of comfort & resources.”
So what’s the point of all of this? I know I can only pull a woman from a Lower level of economic dominance & what I can honestly without help isn’t or has been historically or has been much. At the same time I get no hookup from my family, But if I did I could live a phony “desperate housewives” type of existence that would play well to the aesthetics of the ideal social media.
My parents are old I don’t blame them for not understanding. I’ve tried many time & had some bitter arguments especially during the years after my sister died. At this point I wonder what their instincts were & what drives them in carrying themselves the way they do.