nothing new really...
so im still here and the weather is bad. there is rain everywhere and flooding.its horrible people are having to evacuate their houses. thank God we live in a good neighborhood. but this time will pass and bring on the most beautiful time of year...spring.spring in valdivia is the most beautiful time of year here.i am getting used to being here. even though i miss my friends and kirk but oh well that doesnt matter to him anymore so i guess i should just ´´move on´´ right everybody? i know for me thats a crock of shit because i never will forget him but i know that if we´re meant to be then we´ll be. andi cant kill myself over a past i cant change. i cant change anything no matter how much it torments me or keeps me awake at night, it wont go away no matter what i do. i dont think anyone understands me anymore. does anyone know who i am or what my morals are or what my favorite color is or what is my best childhood memory.or what my favorite food is. and why i love painting flowers or why the colors in my pictures are vibrant. no one gets me,and its not their fault its because i havent let them and the ones i have i push away so fiercely that they never want to see my wretched face again. i mean lets face facts here. ive hurt my family,kirk,brandons parents,his sisters...ive hurt all these people who wanted to know me and love me for who i was,they loved me and some still do fortunately and some..well like i said i pushed them away. and its not because i wanted to. its because thats all ive known ever.ive never been close to anyone since my dad left when i was 13. and i have to change that because i wont have all this pain hanging on my shoulders anymore. if you cant love me for who i truly am then maybe there is some weird reason why we crossed paths and i wish it could be looked upon that way. i beg for clemency.but who am i to ask for any kind of mercy from him..or them. im nothing as he well said. disgusting and a whore. but i wont be that anymore. i wont allow myself to be nothing to someone that i love because it hurts too much.holding on to what has left only hurts you more.i just have to take the punishment for my actions and move on. throw it all in the trash and dont pick it up like my mom says..lol remember that dee??so im done with pushing people away or trying to ignore a past that only haunts me.i know you are probably thinking good for her shes getting better right?well youre wrong if this is good i wish i was never born to experience it. this shit hurts but it has to be done,no more ignoring it or pushing it deeper and deeper inside,because it is destroying me and i have to salvage what i can.so peace i guess and this is the last time i will write for a while...
macki
macki