Sorry for the delay
Hmm, I believe awhile ago I told a friend that I would update and say hello to the world.
What have I been up to? No seriously someone tell me…
Lately life has been in limbo. Its been itching at me of late. I feel that there are changes needed. Getting healthy, working out, leaving the cave and breathing in the city air…which will probably kill us all one day.
At work things have been ups and downs. I realized a few weeks back that in January it’ll be 10 years. 10 long ass years in that ice coffin. It’s a number that kind of hits you all, shit I’m getting old. Seriously, how could ten years have past? Though I’ll admit that my stance and feelings towards the league have changed over the years.
I use to care about my job, would go the extra mile even. I wanted to see it become something big and very community friendly. Don’t get me wrong, the stance is there of course, that we’re happy to see everyone and all that jazz. Over the years though it just feels like a business, and its become more and more in the mindset that its about money. It’s a shame from my view, cause its come down to me losing a lot of respect for my boss, who I do respect, but just not as I did before. First he was golden, now he’s aged bronze with some of that going a bit bad.
What started really bringing down my enjoyment of work was how much it followed me…everywhere. At work and being asked to do stuff is one thing, but when I was getting calls and emails almost every day to work on this or that. It became too much, to say the least. If I was getting paid a salary, I’d get that, but I’m not, and I wasn’t being paid for all that extra bs. So I stopped answering all the calls, ignored some emails. Took awhile but my boss took the hint, and that doesn’t happen…as much.
Then an issue arrived with gamesheets. This one still bugs me. I use to do all the stats for the league, and without a laptop at work, without an internet access out there, I was trying to do over 30 games worth of stats between Sunday and Tuesday. I’ve come to hate them with a passion. If I was lucky and the gamesheet required little work, it would be 10-15mins. Normally though it’s a bit more than that, 20-30. Watching as my day wastes away into nothingness and me into insanity was not fun. I couldn’t keep up at one point, it was near on impossible. When I thought it was done, there were more coming. So then one season, he just takes them from me. No talk, no discussion, just yoink, good bye. I was so upset by this, its not overly much, under $1000 overall in a years work, but it felt so disrespectful to do it this way. I understood it, I knew why it had to be done, the league was growing and there was too much of it. You just think that the guy who says “if anything happens to me, you gotta take the league and make sure it continues” would sit me down, be respectful and say, ” I’ve got to take this from you, blah blah blah.” I wouldn’t have liked it, but I wouldn’t have felt disrespected by it.
There are other things I could grumble about work, but I feel like I went on too much with this already.
As to my personal life, its dropped off the face of the planet. To say I’ve pulled away from society is an understatement. I go out when I need to, for the rare movie or so, but generally it’s a quiet life I’ve been living.
Except for the muse concert, which was amazing. They sounded so great, I cant even put it into words. I worry, cause I’ve seen some bands perform and almost felt violently sick. (afi at edgefest a few years back *shudder*) They also had this awesome lightshow, video screen behind them, and made it very entertaining to watch. The only issue with that was my brother. I brought him to it knowing it would be a good show, and he was sort of a bummer cause its not generally his thing. I was sort of down before muse came on stage. Then when they did, starting off with supremacy, his attitude totally changed and afterwards was saying that it was the best show he’s ever been too. If only the fucker had acted excited beforehand.
I feel like I’ve been a horrible friend, to those old and new and in-between. I just haven’t had a big want for company lately and more so, have pushed some friends away. It’s slightly worrying, a part of me thinks. I don’t even know what to tell anyone about it, or how I’d apologize for it. “Yeah…its not you, its me.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? It’s the truth though. I worry that I might have lost some friends along the way, well a part of me does, a part of me just shrugs it off, oh well.
As towards family, that’s been up, down, and all around over the years. Years ago, after a drunken incident, my father was kicked out of the house. Since then things have been tight with money all around, but we get by well enough I suppose. I felt a bit of failure at that moment though. For the longest time I had been the glue holding everything together, and when I was away, I was in texas at the time, shit goes boom. It was all for the better though, I think we’ve been happier for the most part. There was a time he wasn’t talking to us, but then he started coming by. He went off the drink for awhile, it was really nice to see to be honest. My father and I haven’t had the best of relationships, but it was almost alright between us during that time. Weird, trust me. Sadly, he got into drinking again. Its once again terrifying to be in the car with him. I’ve avoided it, even with -10 temps outside and snowing balls. At least I’ll arrive not terrified out of my mind.
I sometimes wonder if my family is toxic. Its hard to feel creative or even motivated sometimes around them. It feels like its even gotten into my own brain, when I try and do something I hear a, why bother, you’ll fail. I think that’s why I’ve become such a positive pusher. Weird to think I’m trying to push people up when I feel anchored down.
I’ve been trying to get into writing again... for the umpteenth time. I can’t help myself. I’ve been pondering on going in and taking classes to round out everything. There’s just one problem. Do you know how much I hated school? Can you comprehend how many times I lied to get out of class? How many times I outright didn’t care about a lie to get out of class? Then to think of going to class again…it sends shivers up my spine. There might even be goosebumps.
My love life is nonexistent atm, but its more a choice rather than can’t get any. As one friend has said, this is the longest I’ve seen you single. Its 5 months at that time, its now about 7. Bizarre that this is the longest I’ve been single, but I feel like I need it atm. I put too much of myself into relationships and I feel like i always get the short end of the stick. Need time to just focus on me a bit, something that I find difficult to do oddly enough.
As for the future and me, well who knows. Hopefully I can get some writing done to a point that I find… acceptable. I have a feeling that doesn’t exist though. Otherwise life will slowly roll out before me and I’ll do my best to keep up with it, god knows I’ve fallen behind long enough these days.
Hope everyone is doing well, sorry for the long ass update. It does make up for all those I've missed I suppose.
What have I been up to? No seriously someone tell me…
Lately life has been in limbo. Its been itching at me of late. I feel that there are changes needed. Getting healthy, working out, leaving the cave and breathing in the city air…which will probably kill us all one day.
At work things have been ups and downs. I realized a few weeks back that in January it’ll be 10 years. 10 long ass years in that ice coffin. It’s a number that kind of hits you all, shit I’m getting old. Seriously, how could ten years have past? Though I’ll admit that my stance and feelings towards the league have changed over the years.
I use to care about my job, would go the extra mile even. I wanted to see it become something big and very community friendly. Don’t get me wrong, the stance is there of course, that we’re happy to see everyone and all that jazz. Over the years though it just feels like a business, and its become more and more in the mindset that its about money. It’s a shame from my view, cause its come down to me losing a lot of respect for my boss, who I do respect, but just not as I did before. First he was golden, now he’s aged bronze with some of that going a bit bad.
What started really bringing down my enjoyment of work was how much it followed me…everywhere. At work and being asked to do stuff is one thing, but when I was getting calls and emails almost every day to work on this or that. It became too much, to say the least. If I was getting paid a salary, I’d get that, but I’m not, and I wasn’t being paid for all that extra bs. So I stopped answering all the calls, ignored some emails. Took awhile but my boss took the hint, and that doesn’t happen…as much.
Then an issue arrived with gamesheets. This one still bugs me. I use to do all the stats for the league, and without a laptop at work, without an internet access out there, I was trying to do over 30 games worth of stats between Sunday and Tuesday. I’ve come to hate them with a passion. If I was lucky and the gamesheet required little work, it would be 10-15mins. Normally though it’s a bit more than that, 20-30. Watching as my day wastes away into nothingness and me into insanity was not fun. I couldn’t keep up at one point, it was near on impossible. When I thought it was done, there were more coming. So then one season, he just takes them from me. No talk, no discussion, just yoink, good bye. I was so upset by this, its not overly much, under $1000 overall in a years work, but it felt so disrespectful to do it this way. I understood it, I knew why it had to be done, the league was growing and there was too much of it. You just think that the guy who says “if anything happens to me, you gotta take the league and make sure it continues” would sit me down, be respectful and say, ” I’ve got to take this from you, blah blah blah.” I wouldn’t have liked it, but I wouldn’t have felt disrespected by it.
There are other things I could grumble about work, but I feel like I went on too much with this already.
As to my personal life, its dropped off the face of the planet. To say I’ve pulled away from society is an understatement. I go out when I need to, for the rare movie or so, but generally it’s a quiet life I’ve been living.
Except for the muse concert, which was amazing. They sounded so great, I cant even put it into words. I worry, cause I’ve seen some bands perform and almost felt violently sick. (afi at edgefest a few years back *shudder*) They also had this awesome lightshow, video screen behind them, and made it very entertaining to watch. The only issue with that was my brother. I brought him to it knowing it would be a good show, and he was sort of a bummer cause its not generally his thing. I was sort of down before muse came on stage. Then when they did, starting off with supremacy, his attitude totally changed and afterwards was saying that it was the best show he’s ever been too. If only the fucker had acted excited beforehand.
I feel like I’ve been a horrible friend, to those old and new and in-between. I just haven’t had a big want for company lately and more so, have pushed some friends away. It’s slightly worrying, a part of me thinks. I don’t even know what to tell anyone about it, or how I’d apologize for it. “Yeah…its not you, its me.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? It’s the truth though. I worry that I might have lost some friends along the way, well a part of me does, a part of me just shrugs it off, oh well.
As towards family, that’s been up, down, and all around over the years. Years ago, after a drunken incident, my father was kicked out of the house. Since then things have been tight with money all around, but we get by well enough I suppose. I felt a bit of failure at that moment though. For the longest time I had been the glue holding everything together, and when I was away, I was in texas at the time, shit goes boom. It was all for the better though, I think we’ve been happier for the most part. There was a time he wasn’t talking to us, but then he started coming by. He went off the drink for awhile, it was really nice to see to be honest. My father and I haven’t had the best of relationships, but it was almost alright between us during that time. Weird, trust me. Sadly, he got into drinking again. Its once again terrifying to be in the car with him. I’ve avoided it, even with -10 temps outside and snowing balls. At least I’ll arrive not terrified out of my mind.
I sometimes wonder if my family is toxic. Its hard to feel creative or even motivated sometimes around them. It feels like its even gotten into my own brain, when I try and do something I hear a, why bother, you’ll fail. I think that’s why I’ve become such a positive pusher. Weird to think I’m trying to push people up when I feel anchored down.
I’ve been trying to get into writing again... for the umpteenth time. I can’t help myself. I’ve been pondering on going in and taking classes to round out everything. There’s just one problem. Do you know how much I hated school? Can you comprehend how many times I lied to get out of class? How many times I outright didn’t care about a lie to get out of class? Then to think of going to class again…it sends shivers up my spine. There might even be goosebumps.
My love life is nonexistent atm, but its more a choice rather than can’t get any. As one friend has said, this is the longest I’ve seen you single. Its 5 months at that time, its now about 7. Bizarre that this is the longest I’ve been single, but I feel like I need it atm. I put too much of myself into relationships and I feel like i always get the short end of the stick. Need time to just focus on me a bit, something that I find difficult to do oddly enough.
As for the future and me, well who knows. Hopefully I can get some writing done to a point that I find… acceptable. I have a feeling that doesn’t exist though. Otherwise life will slowly roll out before me and I’ll do my best to keep up with it, god knows I’ve fallen behind long enough these days.
Hope everyone is doing well, sorry for the long ass update. It does make up for all those I've missed I suppose.