Easter etc
It has occured to me that there is a different way for dealing with eveyone. So it takes a long time, but eventually, you figure out how to behave towards/ react towards your parents in a way that works for you. And inevitably, this'll bite you in the butt in the real world. So try as you may to anticipate this and react in a way that is neither the unhealthy behaviors of your parents, the coping mechanism to it, or, whatever you beleive is contrary to their behaviors (in a hopes to be healthier, but the polar oppisites have their own problems) you will still clash with people.
No matter how hard you try, thee'll still be something that isn't right about you, and annoys people/ is dysfunctional, because you really just dont know what to do or say.
Because no one does.
It bothers me that women are more respected when they conform to style. For example, one ought to wear shoes that dont clash with her outfit when visiting grandparents, so that they think well of you.
A thing to say to end an argument: I am not going to argue with you about this because I dont feel that either of us are well enough informed on the issue to have a productive arguement.
I feel like a hooved animal in my little white church shoes. Like a deer or something. But this isn't good... I feel this way because I am walking funny to avoid them rubbing painfully. As it is, walking home from bart I rubbed the skin off my pinky toe.
They are my only pair of white shoes, period, not to mention my only pair of little white respectable dressy shoes.
I hate Easter. If I have to sit in one place doing nothing, I'd rather be sleeping. Why should I listen to my mom talk to someone, I dont (and neith did katie) need to hear about my stepfather's inability to get along with anyone. But I was supposed to be there, of course. Yay bitter tone! (yay sarcasm)
Sometimes, it seems there are too many things to deal with and I just want to sleep for a long time. Then I realize that is not what I want. What I really want is to feel ambitious and happy. Perhaps even peaceful. I assosiate that with sleep because sleep brings that... but only if your problem is lack of sleep.
I went to visit my grandparents today, because I want them to like me so that they'll leave me money in their will, and realize that I am a different person entirely thatn my parents. They do, I am. Unforchanutly, they have no tact. I realize I have half assed parents, and regardless of whether its ok to talk bad about parents to their own kids, they could atleast not do it infront of my brothers girlfriend. I mean, what does one do with that.
My mom apparently tried to get the equity from my dads wifes house to pay for my braces, (I'm not O.K. with this in the slightest, for the reasons that: regina worked hard for that house, they need the money for a down payment when they move, and they have no money) and grandpa was going on about that.
He talks in a disconnected way thats sometimes hard to follow and monotone, and because you dont always know where he came from or where hes going, it can be boring. Besides which he talks to you not with you. Partly because hes hard of hearing. But he was going on about all they've contributed and how its more than she'll ever be able to squeeze out of my dad, and he brought up stuff that happened 11 years ago, and somehow it was relevant that my dad is a loser and a half assed parent and a loser who can never hold down a job and is irresponsible, but makes a good house husband, but just wasn't allowed to be one under my moms rule, but he should try harder to support us anyways, and I dont even remember what he sayed about my mom. The usual. Theres got to be a more acurate description than bitch. A nice way to say it would be that she doesn't always see things from all the relevant angles. And she can be very controlling.... however, however much or a stong willed bitch she is, she is a wimp, like a deer. Which is how she can be dominant to passive aggressive types, and yet can't stick up for herself in the face of john. Which is why he isn't paying for my braces like he should be.
But I wasn't relying on my grandpa for money, like he assumed I might be in this case. I dont know whether mom was (occaisionally she wont tell us things she knows well dissaprove of... (She sets a bad example)), but I wasn't. Oh, and for some reason, the chelsea/drugs thing was a factor in this "disscussion". I geusse the topic of money eventually geared towards colledge fund etc, I suppose because what they thought would be enought wouldn't be, and he doesn't want to tap into mine for dental work. Well I dont want him to either, and I wasn't planning on relying on their money for either dental work or colledge. He did bring up a good point though : Perhaps I could get a trained student or something to do it for cheaper at one of those cal type places, whatever. I mean, since my mom doesn't have a job... I feel like she should start acting like she doesn't have money maybe.
So I have to talk about this too with my mom now. Sometimes I feel its too much talking. Communication is hard, I don't think in words, so finding the perfect ones to express what I want to say peacfully and effectivly is... well.... draining. I don't really feel to energetic even thinking about it. And shes tired too.
She doesn't want to deal with anything I dont want to deal with, for sure. I mean, we have too, but she has to put up with john, and her back is killing her, and I guesse she might be getting old, almost 60? I dont know. I'm really not stressed, really. It sounds like sarcam, but im not sure it is. Just dont ask me whether I'm stressed, because regardless of whether I actually am or not, I am not. Its all your mindset, and if I waste time pitiing myself I'm even less likely to do the things that I'll later wish I had done.