Easily embarrassed
So Ian,
Maybe you aren't a shitty person. Perhaps you aren't a dipshit. I think maybe, you're just ashamed. You're easily embarrassed. You're afraid to be judged or to seem in any way unlikeable. When in reality what you are doing is censoring and filtering yourself so hard that barely any of you gets out. It's what leads you to being so cruel and childish to the people you love. When you genuinely open up, scary and embarrassing as it may be, you feel better. You feel happy, almost. You shouldn't be afraid to tell the people you love that you love them. Love is important to you. It's stupid but those connections are what bind and make you. You are held together by strands of love, your insides are sewn up and run smoothly when the strands are thick and tight. But when you let it wain the strands loosen, you start to fall apart.
You start to unravel.
Be proud of who you are. Even if you aren't anyone special yet, you have ideals that make you worthwhile. You just need to believe in them and yourself and go. Stand up for yourself, speak up for yourself, tell the people you care about in your life that you need them, that they matter. You'll probably read this later and roll your eyes, thinking how stupid this is. You'll think, "How cliche, how optimistic and naive. Life is pointless, no one cares about me or anyone else, it's all personal gain." That's true sometimes, Ian. But that doesn't disprove what I'm saying now. I'm not even going to bother making this private, I'm not ashamed. This is a struggle for me and this is how I try and cope. It's weird and unconventional. But it's me, and that's good. There are people who I want to be in my life for the rest of my life. I mean that. I really do want them there til the absolute very end. As much as they can be. Maybe that makes me weak, maybe that holds me back. I don't care. I love them and when we communicate and when I'm up front I feel better. You've been rejected, left, forgotten. And you can always feel sorry for yourself, but don't let that bleed over into everything else in your life.
Today at work at Reading Partners, a student Shane came in and walked by with his regular tutor. The week before you had pulled him out of class to tutor him since Carson was absent. You read him part of Hugo, and finished a lesson with him. You liked him, he was easy to work with and seemed like a good kid. You were tutoring Mike when Shane and his tutor walked by. They went over and sat down at their table and then they left your mind. When 3:30 rolled around and Mike was still fidgeting in his desk trying to read his leveled book, Shane's tutor walked by with Jenny, the program manager. The tutor motioned to me and I looked up to hear, "Shane talked quite a bit about Ian here. 'That was my tutor, he was really good, I liked him,' he was saying." She smiled at me and kept talking to Jenny.
However minuscule, however minute, you affected that kid, you affected Shane. He learned because of you, you made him happy, you left an impression. Were you truly evil, were you truly a villain, were you truly done doing the right thing that would not have happened. But your natural self, your untainted unfiltered self did that. No matter how cynical you come to be, no matter how lonely, no matter how bitter, you will always deep down be good. And it won't be a struggle, it won't be some endless battle. That stuff makes for great literature but you can't hold yourself to that ridiculous standard.
Allow yourself to be happy, think about the bigger picture, don't hold yourself back, and don't let anyone else hold you back, intentionally or not. You cannot stop or pause your life because of anyone else. Not forever.
Remember how this feels, Ian. Be open. Be proud.
Maybe you aren't a shitty person. Perhaps you aren't a dipshit. I think maybe, you're just ashamed. You're easily embarrassed. You're afraid to be judged or to seem in any way unlikeable. When in reality what you are doing is censoring and filtering yourself so hard that barely any of you gets out. It's what leads you to being so cruel and childish to the people you love. When you genuinely open up, scary and embarrassing as it may be, you feel better. You feel happy, almost. You shouldn't be afraid to tell the people you love that you love them. Love is important to you. It's stupid but those connections are what bind and make you. You are held together by strands of love, your insides are sewn up and run smoothly when the strands are thick and tight. But when you let it wain the strands loosen, you start to fall apart.
You start to unravel.
Be proud of who you are. Even if you aren't anyone special yet, you have ideals that make you worthwhile. You just need to believe in them and yourself and go. Stand up for yourself, speak up for yourself, tell the people you care about in your life that you need them, that they matter. You'll probably read this later and roll your eyes, thinking how stupid this is. You'll think, "How cliche, how optimistic and naive. Life is pointless, no one cares about me or anyone else, it's all personal gain." That's true sometimes, Ian. But that doesn't disprove what I'm saying now. I'm not even going to bother making this private, I'm not ashamed. This is a struggle for me and this is how I try and cope. It's weird and unconventional. But it's me, and that's good. There are people who I want to be in my life for the rest of my life. I mean that. I really do want them there til the absolute very end. As much as they can be. Maybe that makes me weak, maybe that holds me back. I don't care. I love them and when we communicate and when I'm up front I feel better. You've been rejected, left, forgotten. And you can always feel sorry for yourself, but don't let that bleed over into everything else in your life.
Today at work at Reading Partners, a student Shane came in and walked by with his regular tutor. The week before you had pulled him out of class to tutor him since Carson was absent. You read him part of Hugo, and finished a lesson with him. You liked him, he was easy to work with and seemed like a good kid. You were tutoring Mike when Shane and his tutor walked by. They went over and sat down at their table and then they left your mind. When 3:30 rolled around and Mike was still fidgeting in his desk trying to read his leveled book, Shane's tutor walked by with Jenny, the program manager. The tutor motioned to me and I looked up to hear, "Shane talked quite a bit about Ian here. 'That was my tutor, he was really good, I liked him,' he was saying." She smiled at me and kept talking to Jenny.
However minuscule, however minute, you affected that kid, you affected Shane. He learned because of you, you made him happy, you left an impression. Were you truly evil, were you truly a villain, were you truly done doing the right thing that would not have happened. But your natural self, your untainted unfiltered self did that. No matter how cynical you come to be, no matter how lonely, no matter how bitter, you will always deep down be good. And it won't be a struggle, it won't be some endless battle. That stuff makes for great literature but you can't hold yourself to that ridiculous standard.
Allow yourself to be happy, think about the bigger picture, don't hold yourself back, and don't let anyone else hold you back, intentionally or not. You cannot stop or pause your life because of anyone else. Not forever.
Remember how this feels, Ian. Be open. Be proud.