Response
I know it's been a long time since it happened, but I just had to do a psych study where they asked for responses about the VT shootings. I ended up writing a lot more than I ever thought I would, and I think I want to share it.
When I first heard about it, I was a little shocked, almost detached and removed from the whole incident. I only heard that there had been a shooting in general, I had no knowledge of the specifics and so I took it almost as you would take any generic news item that you might come across on a daily basis.
It was only two days later that I went online and looked up the actual incident and got to know all the details. I saw the faces of the victims on the CNN website, each one had their own link to a page where friends and loved ones had written anecdotes or memories of the person. That really got to me, seeing the faces and seeing these messages. It made everything real all of a sudden, they weren't 'victims of a tragic shootout' anymore, they were REAL people who died for no reason. All of a sudden I felt choked up, completely confused by it all. I had no idea what to feel, and I felt powerless. It hurt me then and it hurts me now to think that we as people are capable of such things.
I remember thinking about spirituality and god. I don't believe in organized religion, but I am a deeply spiritual person and have a strong belief in some sort of overlying force or energy that is fundamental to the universe. I believe it to be a benevolent entity. When I heard about the shootings though, I remember thinking about all the other cruelties I've known about: the shooting of the schoolchildren in Chechnya, the attacks on 9/11, the Columbine massacre, etc. and I thought to myself "It gets so hard, it just gets so hard sometimes to be able to believe" (by which I mean to believe in 'god').
I also read about the killer himself, found various articles about accounts from people who knew him. I'm hurt by what happened, it makes me incredibly sad and it shakes my faith in everything I believe in......but I can't be mad. I can't find it in me to just condemn him, just dismiss him as another psycho killer. I don't think there ever is just 'another' psycho killer, and especially not in this case. I feel bad for him, I really do. Maybe he just needed more friends. I know he was weird and socially awkward, but maybe if some of those people had kept trying, maybe if someone HADN'T given up hope in him and never stopped reaching out, I think they would have gotten through eventually. Whenever things like this happen people just start squawking away, rattling off theories and just talking. Who's out there LISTENING? If anything, maybe this will serve as a cold, grim reminder that we need to shut up and forget about ourselves for a little while on a daily basis. Stop with the whole thing about "personal space" and violation of it. We're people, not ants. If someone bumps into you, don't just stumble back a step and then keep walking forward like a drone, talk and listen. Say hello, smile!
There have been days when I felt terrible. I didn't feel violent impulses because I'm generally a pacifist but let's just say there were days when I really couldn't stand people or relate to them. You know what helped? Anytime someone I knew, even vaguely, said "hi" and smiled.
I haven't given up hope. I think that people ARE good, and we just forget how to be good to each other sometimes because there's so much going on. I think maybe if a few more people in the immediate social circle of the killer felt the same way, maybe I wouldn't have to be writing this at all. The poet Billy Collins said that babies are born with an innate knowledge of poetry because the lubdub of their mother's heart is in iambic parameter, but as we get older, the world squeezes the poetry out of us. It's times like these where I feel the same applies for hope and love. I, for one, HOPE that's not the case.
When I first heard about it, I was a little shocked, almost detached and removed from the whole incident. I only heard that there had been a shooting in general, I had no knowledge of the specifics and so I took it almost as you would take any generic news item that you might come across on a daily basis.
It was only two days later that I went online and looked up the actual incident and got to know all the details. I saw the faces of the victims on the CNN website, each one had their own link to a page where friends and loved ones had written anecdotes or memories of the person. That really got to me, seeing the faces and seeing these messages. It made everything real all of a sudden, they weren't 'victims of a tragic shootout' anymore, they were REAL people who died for no reason. All of a sudden I felt choked up, completely confused by it all. I had no idea what to feel, and I felt powerless. It hurt me then and it hurts me now to think that we as people are capable of such things.
I remember thinking about spirituality and god. I don't believe in organized religion, but I am a deeply spiritual person and have a strong belief in some sort of overlying force or energy that is fundamental to the universe. I believe it to be a benevolent entity. When I heard about the shootings though, I remember thinking about all the other cruelties I've known about: the shooting of the schoolchildren in Chechnya, the attacks on 9/11, the Columbine massacre, etc. and I thought to myself "It gets so hard, it just gets so hard sometimes to be able to believe" (by which I mean to believe in 'god').
I also read about the killer himself, found various articles about accounts from people who knew him. I'm hurt by what happened, it makes me incredibly sad and it shakes my faith in everything I believe in......but I can't be mad. I can't find it in me to just condemn him, just dismiss him as another psycho killer. I don't think there ever is just 'another' psycho killer, and especially not in this case. I feel bad for him, I really do. Maybe he just needed more friends. I know he was weird and socially awkward, but maybe if some of those people had kept trying, maybe if someone HADN'T given up hope in him and never stopped reaching out, I think they would have gotten through eventually. Whenever things like this happen people just start squawking away, rattling off theories and just talking. Who's out there LISTENING? If anything, maybe this will serve as a cold, grim reminder that we need to shut up and forget about ourselves for a little while on a daily basis. Stop with the whole thing about "personal space" and violation of it. We're people, not ants. If someone bumps into you, don't just stumble back a step and then keep walking forward like a drone, talk and listen. Say hello, smile!
There have been days when I felt terrible. I didn't feel violent impulses because I'm generally a pacifist but let's just say there were days when I really couldn't stand people or relate to them. You know what helped? Anytime someone I knew, even vaguely, said "hi" and smiled.
I haven't given up hope. I think that people ARE good, and we just forget how to be good to each other sometimes because there's so much going on. I think maybe if a few more people in the immediate social circle of the killer felt the same way, maybe I wouldn't have to be writing this at all. The poet Billy Collins said that babies are born with an innate knowledge of poetry because the lubdub of their mother's heart is in iambic parameter, but as we get older, the world squeezes the poetry out of us. It's times like these where I feel the same applies for hope and love. I, for one, HOPE that's not the case.