boys SUCK.
ive been dating this guy unofficially for over a year im guessing. his name is steve. and sometimes i feel like i just want to turn back the hands of time and take back everything that we've been through and do it ALL over again. we constantly bicker and fight and argue about countless NOTHINGS.. ive learned to love him because he truly and genuinely is a WONDERFUL person to be around and to know. so now im having second thoughts about rewinding our tape. it seems like we never stop.... arguing. i love him and i believe he loves me and i guess thats all that there is.. the other side is we hate each other. i dont know if i should prolong this relationship which seems to be going downhill from each morning that i wake up.. i honestly and truly do want to work things out but it seems like we never find a medium to anything.. and. then i start being reminded of my ex. yes the horrid ex. i keep wondering if i tried to work things out with him where would we be.. but REALLY, i dont want to think about that.. im over that (i hope) i just want to move on and be with steve..
its funny cause when steve and i started really dating... whenever that was, i didnt want to be his girlfriend.. titles suck but they have meaning too.. and now 11months later.. im like dying to be his girl. and now it just seems like hes pushing me away.. and maybe this is HIS way of laying it on my thin.. maybe he is pushing me away but doing it in a way where he isnt the bad guy. so many maybes and no really true answers.
im currently living in a suburb near chicago and i just cant stand it anymore. ive always been the type of person who gets bored with things fast... so i wanted to move to san diego. but steve holds me back, i dont want to admit it but he does. im not gonna promise him that i will be faithful when im far away cause ive done long distance before and i NEED to be touched and need to feel, be held, be kissed and long distance b.s. never really does it for me. so i was like, hey fuck it.. this guy is worth waiting on and staying back.. put my life on the backburner and wait it out and make this work with steve. and then he starts pulling shit like seriously starting to PICK fights.. i cant even begin to explain.
im just rambling on.. this is my form of venting cause im scared/tired to vent to friends cause no one really understands me...
and by no one.. i mean no one.
i thought steve did, but i was wrong... is this really for me? is this a sign? hes telling me to go, right? i dont know? my self esteem sucks and i dont have much faith in myself when it comes to things like this. im 20 .. too young to be settling down like this. but when does this opportunity come knocking at MY door again?
is he really who he plays to be?
i never see him cause hes so addicted to his job. if it were up to me id say fuck ur job and the money it brings.. i would be a million times happier if he worked minimum wage and spent more time to himself. he revolves his job around his world..and he will fight to his death to explain why he slaves himself for this job. he is very persistant in his ways (one of the reasons why him and i are "together" now) i guess im not getting used to being 2nd to his work. and he would never settle for what makes me happy cause well, thats just not him. i just think hes brainwashed and theres just so much reasoning behind that .. but theres not enough time in the day to even begin to why hes so in love with his job, and his job makes him happy so im happy for him i think.. some piece of selfish part of me wants to say.. fuck ur job...!! FUCK UR JOB! and this is weird that im saying this but im fully supportive of him because i envy his drive and his ambitions cause i have yet to get there in my life. i really am supportive but i can still be against it , RIGHT? i dont know.. im so confused. should i just be single? its just so hard when all of my girlfriends have boyfriends.. and by all.. i mean ALL.maybe i should pick up a book about "how to be single, for idiots" ANNNND his friends dont like me.. his roomate bitched me out the other night and he doesnt even know me. but who gives a fuck about him.. hes no good anyhow.
hes texting me now... and i just want to say fuck u, but honestly.. i just need him so much. hold on, i just WANT him so much
hold on, i just want SOMEONE to understand me without judging me... someone who wants to lend a helping hand and someone with the patience of a saint.. cause thats what u'll need when ur with me. hahah. man how bad do i wish that wasnt true.
underneath my thin skin i really am a good and caring person who genuine wants good for everyone.
good night im done, this was good for me. i have work in 5 hours. i need sleep.
its funny cause when steve and i started really dating... whenever that was, i didnt want to be his girlfriend.. titles suck but they have meaning too.. and now 11months later.. im like dying to be his girl. and now it just seems like hes pushing me away.. and maybe this is HIS way of laying it on my thin.. maybe he is pushing me away but doing it in a way where he isnt the bad guy. so many maybes and no really true answers.
im currently living in a suburb near chicago and i just cant stand it anymore. ive always been the type of person who gets bored with things fast... so i wanted to move to san diego. but steve holds me back, i dont want to admit it but he does. im not gonna promise him that i will be faithful when im far away cause ive done long distance before and i NEED to be touched and need to feel, be held, be kissed and long distance b.s. never really does it for me. so i was like, hey fuck it.. this guy is worth waiting on and staying back.. put my life on the backburner and wait it out and make this work with steve. and then he starts pulling shit like seriously starting to PICK fights.. i cant even begin to explain.
im just rambling on.. this is my form of venting cause im scared/tired to vent to friends cause no one really understands me...
and by no one.. i mean no one.
i thought steve did, but i was wrong... is this really for me? is this a sign? hes telling me to go, right? i dont know? my self esteem sucks and i dont have much faith in myself when it comes to things like this. im 20 .. too young to be settling down like this. but when does this opportunity come knocking at MY door again?
is he really who he plays to be?
i never see him cause hes so addicted to his job. if it were up to me id say fuck ur job and the money it brings.. i would be a million times happier if he worked minimum wage and spent more time to himself. he revolves his job around his world..and he will fight to his death to explain why he slaves himself for this job. he is very persistant in his ways (one of the reasons why him and i are "together" now) i guess im not getting used to being 2nd to his work. and he would never settle for what makes me happy cause well, thats just not him. i just think hes brainwashed and theres just so much reasoning behind that .. but theres not enough time in the day to even begin to why hes so in love with his job, and his job makes him happy so im happy for him i think.. some piece of selfish part of me wants to say.. fuck ur job...!! FUCK UR JOB! and this is weird that im saying this but im fully supportive of him because i envy his drive and his ambitions cause i have yet to get there in my life. i really am supportive but i can still be against it , RIGHT? i dont know.. im so confused. should i just be single? its just so hard when all of my girlfriends have boyfriends.. and by all.. i mean ALL.maybe i should pick up a book about "how to be single, for idiots" ANNNND his friends dont like me.. his roomate bitched me out the other night and he doesnt even know me. but who gives a fuck about him.. hes no good anyhow.
hes texting me now... and i just want to say fuck u, but honestly.. i just need him so much. hold on, i just WANT him so much
hold on, i just want SOMEONE to understand me without judging me... someone who wants to lend a helping hand and someone with the patience of a saint.. cause thats what u'll need when ur with me. hahah. man how bad do i wish that wasnt true.
underneath my thin skin i really am a good and caring person who genuine wants good for everyone.
good night im done, this was good for me. i have work in 5 hours. i need sleep.