Violations of trust
When I kicked the ex out of the house I started on a journey to find who I could trust. That was difficult for me since I felt I could trust no one and I didn't even know what the definition of that was anymore it was so torn and tattered to me. I edited my facebook friends and put everyone that knew him or shared a friend with him as an "acquaintance". Then I started to delete people as I felt the need or make them full friends again.
There was a couple named the Rigney's that Patrick and I were friends with. They were "his" friends. He was great friends with Kam because she was great friends with his college girlfriend. Then Kam started dating/married Eric. Patrick was in their wedding. We hung out all the time in the beginning years of marriage until their marriage fell apart due to affairs. Eric started f'ing one of his students (he is a teacher/coach) and Kam started f'ing Patrick's nephew. Great story! Anyway, Eric and Patrick had a falling out at Eric's divorce because Eric was pissed at all black people (due to Kam f'ing one) and called Patrick the dreaded "N" word. Needless to say, Patrick and Eric hadn't been the same since. Kam on the other hand seemed to have a break down. She went all ghetto, started smoking like a chimney, got tattoos all over her body and even lost custody of her children to Eric and that is saying a lot since he was f'ing his student...usually frowned upon activities for someone seeking custody of children. She started drinking and even got arrested a couple of times.
So, fast forward to 2013. I was training with my running coach Ty. Over the years, Kam had reached out to me a couple of times in her really dark times. She never had reached out to Patrick. She had never given me reason not to trust her as a friend. She and Patrick's nephew had broken up (due to domestic violence I was told) and so she didn't want much to do with Patrick's family after that, including Patrick. At the beginning of that year, Kam wanted to start training with my coach Ty too so I connected them. At the time of divorce, Kam was there for me. She sent me a big box of books and comfort items to help me get through. She called me multiple times a week to be there for me. She was a rock in those first couple of months. And believe me I was super paranoid about her doing the same for Patrick and she assured me that she wasn't. She even unfriended him on facebook, which assisted in my trust for her.
Fast forward again...during the middle of the divorce, she became ill and I didn't reach out. I was still in my own mind and my own life and even when I am not, I am just not good at that. I am not good at hospitality, it just isn't one of my giftings. But she got all pissy and throwing it in my face that she was there for me in my low time but I wasn't there for her. She is right, but like I said, I was in my own world still and I suck at reaching out to people. I just don't think like that. And she shouldn't have been there for me with any expectation of return. I don't like it when people do things expecting return.
So then a little while later, my trainer stops sending me workouts. I reach out to him and he told me that someone had told him about a blog that I had written about him. I knew it was Kam. I knew my readers of my blog and I knew which of the readers knew him. I was so upset. Kam denied it. Ty wouldn't tell me at all. So here are two people who are supposed to be very close to me, I am the one that introduced them and they are both protecting one another instead of me. I am an extremely loyal person and this made me want to hurt them. So I obviously fired Ty and unfriended Kam. Kam stayed out of the scene for awhile, until this morning.
This morning I went to Patrick's facebook page, which I do a couple times a week to see if he has posted any pictures of my children or whatever and he had posted about going to Florida in April. Kam and him then had a give and take in the replies. The give and take was seriously friendly. Kam had told me all sorts of stuff about Patrick and her thoughts on him during our divorce and here she is on his wall being all lovey.
None of it is surprising to me after all this time. In the last two years I have learned that I can't trust anyone as far as I can throw them. Even people who say "you can trust me". No..no I most likely can't. Because everyone hurts. I will continue to try to trust, but all I can do is try.
Do people start with trust and then have to keep it at this point of your life? Or do people start with none and have to earn it? I have never been one to start with full trust. And now after what I have been through, people start with none. I mean none. And trust is gained SLOWLY and with massive amounts of reserve. I am so sick of being hurt. I understand that it is setting me up for more hurt, not trusting. But it is my opinion that giving trust sets me up for hurt just as much as being a paranoid untrusting person. It is like the flipping of the coin. So I will just continue to attempt to put all my trust in my precious Lord. He is the only one that deserves my entire mess of a basket full of my cracked shells of oozing out yoke.
And I am sure that I am just as horrible to trust to others. I am sure that I violate the trust of others just as much as they do me. We all are sinners and fall short. We are all humans and are mean and catty and untrusting - even when we do our best not to be.
There was a couple named the Rigney's that Patrick and I were friends with. They were "his" friends. He was great friends with Kam because she was great friends with his college girlfriend. Then Kam started dating/married Eric. Patrick was in their wedding. We hung out all the time in the beginning years of marriage until their marriage fell apart due to affairs. Eric started f'ing one of his students (he is a teacher/coach) and Kam started f'ing Patrick's nephew. Great story! Anyway, Eric and Patrick had a falling out at Eric's divorce because Eric was pissed at all black people (due to Kam f'ing one) and called Patrick the dreaded "N" word. Needless to say, Patrick and Eric hadn't been the same since. Kam on the other hand seemed to have a break down. She went all ghetto, started smoking like a chimney, got tattoos all over her body and even lost custody of her children to Eric and that is saying a lot since he was f'ing his student...usually frowned upon activities for someone seeking custody of children. She started drinking and even got arrested a couple of times.
So, fast forward to 2013. I was training with my running coach Ty. Over the years, Kam had reached out to me a couple of times in her really dark times. She never had reached out to Patrick. She had never given me reason not to trust her as a friend. She and Patrick's nephew had broken up (due to domestic violence I was told) and so she didn't want much to do with Patrick's family after that, including Patrick. At the beginning of that year, Kam wanted to start training with my coach Ty too so I connected them. At the time of divorce, Kam was there for me. She sent me a big box of books and comfort items to help me get through. She called me multiple times a week to be there for me. She was a rock in those first couple of months. And believe me I was super paranoid about her doing the same for Patrick and she assured me that she wasn't. She even unfriended him on facebook, which assisted in my trust for her.
Fast forward again...during the middle of the divorce, she became ill and I didn't reach out. I was still in my own mind and my own life and even when I am not, I am just not good at that. I am not good at hospitality, it just isn't one of my giftings. But she got all pissy and throwing it in my face that she was there for me in my low time but I wasn't there for her. She is right, but like I said, I was in my own world still and I suck at reaching out to people. I just don't think like that. And she shouldn't have been there for me with any expectation of return. I don't like it when people do things expecting return.
So then a little while later, my trainer stops sending me workouts. I reach out to him and he told me that someone had told him about a blog that I had written about him. I knew it was Kam. I knew my readers of my blog and I knew which of the readers knew him. I was so upset. Kam denied it. Ty wouldn't tell me at all. So here are two people who are supposed to be very close to me, I am the one that introduced them and they are both protecting one another instead of me. I am an extremely loyal person and this made me want to hurt them. So I obviously fired Ty and unfriended Kam. Kam stayed out of the scene for awhile, until this morning.
This morning I went to Patrick's facebook page, which I do a couple times a week to see if he has posted any pictures of my children or whatever and he had posted about going to Florida in April. Kam and him then had a give and take in the replies. The give and take was seriously friendly. Kam had told me all sorts of stuff about Patrick and her thoughts on him during our divorce and here she is on his wall being all lovey.
None of it is surprising to me after all this time. In the last two years I have learned that I can't trust anyone as far as I can throw them. Even people who say "you can trust me". No..no I most likely can't. Because everyone hurts. I will continue to try to trust, but all I can do is try.
Do people start with trust and then have to keep it at this point of your life? Or do people start with none and have to earn it? I have never been one to start with full trust. And now after what I have been through, people start with none. I mean none. And trust is gained SLOWLY and with massive amounts of reserve. I am so sick of being hurt. I understand that it is setting me up for more hurt, not trusting. But it is my opinion that giving trust sets me up for hurt just as much as being a paranoid untrusting person. It is like the flipping of the coin. So I will just continue to attempt to put all my trust in my precious Lord. He is the only one that deserves my entire mess of a basket full of my cracked shells of oozing out yoke.
And I am sure that I am just as horrible to trust to others. I am sure that I violate the trust of others just as much as they do me. We all are sinners and fall short. We are all humans and are mean and catty and untrusting - even when we do our best not to be.