what a day
it has been a helluva day.
i woke up EARLY! with butterflies in my stomach.
I got a call from the manager at PPCW, expecting her to offer me the assist manager job.
she did not.
she offered me the pss position.
for 16$/hr.
i could not hide my disappointment.
i accepted it, though.
afterwards i felt like crying.
i feel really humiliated for being passed over for the assistant manager job, given my experience MANAGING A HEALTH CENTER!
i feel really worried about the money, though she assured me that she had lobbied for more money for me and most pss start at about 10$/hr, that i'd be eligible for a raise in 3-6 months.
i feel worried about how it reflects on me, my work, and since my work has been my entire life for the past year, my life, the reflection on me as a person (being a failure).
but there is a big part of me that realizes that i've been hiding out in the manager job, knowing it takes up my entire life and keeps me from going after what i really want, because really wanting something and going for it is scary as hell.
and yeah, i'm scared of letting on that i really want things, things that are not safe because i want them so very much.
i don't really want to be a health center manager, nor an assistant manager. not really. but doing that is *safe*
i'm safe from the big scary things that i really want to devote my life to. safe from trying to make connections with people. safe from finding out that i suck as a painter. that i suck at socializing. ok, that i suck. period.
but going back to being a pss really makes me feel like a fucking loser. why do i care? every job *is* important. and i loved being a pss. i don't know.
maybe part of it is that a is an md, and i don't want him to look down on me for my work. not that he would, but...i don't know.
i keep trying to tell myself that this is the universe telling me to get up off my scared ass and MAKE SOME DAMN ART. that if this hadn't happened, that i wouldn't have done it because i'd have ended up doing the same thing in portland that i have done here, make myself too busy to do what i actually care about.
sigh.
i also have a sore throat.
i woke up EARLY! with butterflies in my stomach.
I got a call from the manager at PPCW, expecting her to offer me the assist manager job.
she did not.
she offered me the pss position.
for 16$/hr.
i could not hide my disappointment.
i accepted it, though.
afterwards i felt like crying.
i feel really humiliated for being passed over for the assistant manager job, given my experience MANAGING A HEALTH CENTER!
i feel really worried about the money, though she assured me that she had lobbied for more money for me and most pss start at about 10$/hr, that i'd be eligible for a raise in 3-6 months.
i feel worried about how it reflects on me, my work, and since my work has been my entire life for the past year, my life, the reflection on me as a person (being a failure).
but there is a big part of me that realizes that i've been hiding out in the manager job, knowing it takes up my entire life and keeps me from going after what i really want, because really wanting something and going for it is scary as hell.
and yeah, i'm scared of letting on that i really want things, things that are not safe because i want them so very much.
i don't really want to be a health center manager, nor an assistant manager. not really. but doing that is *safe*
i'm safe from the big scary things that i really want to devote my life to. safe from trying to make connections with people. safe from finding out that i suck as a painter. that i suck at socializing. ok, that i suck. period.
but going back to being a pss really makes me feel like a fucking loser. why do i care? every job *is* important. and i loved being a pss. i don't know.
maybe part of it is that a is an md, and i don't want him to look down on me for my work. not that he would, but...i don't know.
i keep trying to tell myself that this is the universe telling me to get up off my scared ass and MAKE SOME DAMN ART. that if this hadn't happened, that i wouldn't have done it because i'd have ended up doing the same thing in portland that i have done here, make myself too busy to do what i actually care about.
sigh.
i also have a sore throat.