[FANFICTION] "cold."
cold.
558 words
My heartbeat is not racing, my fingernails are not digging into the flesh of my palms, and my eyes are not watching the world falling in on me.
My heart is light and carefree, I am happy, it reaches my eyes and extends outwards, drawing you into me, and you smile, smiling like you mean it.
I don't sit at the edge of my bed on another sleepless night, a digital glow illuminating half my face with the reality of your absence. I'm not sliding under the sheets at the sound of a key in the lock, forcing my breathing to slow. My back isn't facing the door so you won't know I'm awake, wiping the dampness from my eyes as footsteps approach our room.
I don't weave my way through our schedule with the practiced ease of a professional, smiling when necessary, bowing for respect, laughing when called for. I'm not ignoring the others' eyes when they fall upon me, not noticing how their gazes are a little too long, a little too weighty. I'm not patting the second youngest's shoulder in the dressing room, Yes, Junsu, I'm fine, just a little tired, I wouldn't lie to you. Yes, I'd come to you guys if anything was wrong. Yes, I'll do my best, I am your leader after all.
I'm not seated in a tiny booth in the corner of a coffee shop, hands wrapped around the ceramic of my now cold cup of coffee, waiting for the telltale vibrations from my cellphone on the varnished wood of the tabletop. I'm not politely smiling with a nod of my head at the waitress, No, I don't know where he is, and Yes, I'm sure he was simply held up and is on his way as we speak. My smile isn't fading as she moves to serve another customer, and my fingers aren't subconsciously reaching out to my cellphone, looking out the window as I don't attempt to convince myself of the same.
My fingers aren't sliding across the cool plastic covers of your photographs, of our photographs, slotted in a haphazard album that resides in the third drawer of my dresser. I won't remember the memories captured on film, the laughter in your eyes, the promise of love in your smile. These are not tears falling on the photos, because tears sink, they fall and ruin, they blur the inks of photos and letters into a reflection of sadness, yet my fingers can wipe them off the plastic, forgotten, forever.
I won't watch how your gaze never quite meets mine, I'm not pretending I can't see the answers that neither of us is willing to face up to. Your touch doesn't make me shiver, doesn't reel me into you, doesn't show that I need you, far, far more than you'll ever need me.
I'm holding on to what we have, what lies between us, what we live and breathe and exist. Your arms encircle me, and you're warm, so warm, so easy to forget everything else and just remember you. And I'll smile against your soft skin, I'll return the embrace, I'll keep this moment alive for the both of us, because this is real.
Because I love you.