Fic [the GazettE] - "Envy"
Title: Envy
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: machete_rose
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Character death
Disclaimer: I do not own the GazettE. Sadness.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Reita/Ruki
Synopsis: I envy you because I cannot follow you.
Comments: I love comments, please give me some. :D
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“Ruki,” I whispered into the too loud silence, my fingertips brushing against his cold cheek. I almost wished he would open his eyes, curving his lips once more into that sad smile of his. “Ruki…”
I was kneeling on the floor of Ruki’s apartment, the nondescript brown carpet digging harshly into my skin. But I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
I knelt there, surrounded by all the miscellaneous oddities that served as decorations for this small room, gently cradling Ruki’s limp body in my arms. His pale cheeks were smudged with blood, remnants of my touch. Smooth porcelain tainted with garnet. His life dripped from slender wrists, dark red droplets of his freedom pooling steadily around us. My head seemed to move of its own accord; slowly, carefully, my warm lips touched upon his. It was a chaste kiss, a delicate kiss, as though I were afraid I would break his already lifeless body.
There was no love in that kiss, no sadness. I felt only one thing.
Envy.
I wanted his strength, that strength that had allowed him to finally escape this useless existence. It was a conversation we’d had time and again; there had been so many lengthy discussions on the best way to end it all. And although he never voiced it, or perhaps he did not realize it himself, I know that deep down he expected me to falter. It was his misplaced hope, and my empty promises, that kept him bound to me always.
“Reita.” There was a gentle but demanding tug on the sleeve of my jacket. I half-turned, trying my best to glance at Ruki while at the same time weaving my way carefully through the pulsating crowd within the packed shopping mall. His hand slid down my leather-clad arm and slipped cautiously, almost fearfully, into my own. My response was immediate, and undeniably cruel.
I wrenched my hand out of his grasp as though the sheer touch of his skin on mine burned. My cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment and unprovoked anger as I sped ahead of Ruki, ignoring the flash of hopelessness, unhappiness, in those already saddened eyes. What was Ruki trying to do? Expose our secret? Expose me?
I stared numbly at his now peaceful face, finally free from all the pain that he had carried when he was alive. I wanted to be with him again. I wanted to follow him. But I knew I lacked the courage.
I could almost see a ghost of a smile lingering on his lips. Disappointment laced with understanding. It was a smile I knew all too well. It was the same smile he gave me whenever I shied away from him in public; the same smile with which he bid me farewell whenever I broke up with him, unable to handle our relationship; and the same smile with which he welcomed me back whenever I realized I couldn’t live without him.
But now I had to. I had to live without him because I was too much of a coward to go to his side.
“If I really did it, Reita,” his lithe fingers played nervously, absent-mindedly, with the blank sheet of paper in front of him. Jagged little pieces of pure white floated gently through the air to lay serenely at his feet, like pristine snowflakes settling on cold, barren ground. He paused briefly, his voice silent, his body still. “Would you come with me?”
“Ruki,” my voice cracked, my stained fingers caressing his pallid cheek once more, the touch rough now that the blood had dried. “I’m sorry.”
Even as I whisper those parting words to him, words that implore undeserved forgiveness, I feel no regret. I can only feel envy.
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A/N: Fanfic adaptation of my "Envy" poem. Comments are appreciated as always!
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: machete_rose
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Character death
Disclaimer: I do not own the GazettE. Sadness.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Reita/Ruki
Synopsis: I envy you because I cannot follow you.
Comments: I love comments, please give me some. :D
----------
“Ruki,” I whispered into the too loud silence, my fingertips brushing against his cold cheek. I almost wished he would open his eyes, curving his lips once more into that sad smile of his. “Ruki…”
I was kneeling on the floor of Ruki’s apartment, the nondescript brown carpet digging harshly into my skin. But I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
I knelt there, surrounded by all the miscellaneous oddities that served as decorations for this small room, gently cradling Ruki’s limp body in my arms. His pale cheeks were smudged with blood, remnants of my touch. Smooth porcelain tainted with garnet. His life dripped from slender wrists, dark red droplets of his freedom pooling steadily around us. My head seemed to move of its own accord; slowly, carefully, my warm lips touched upon his. It was a chaste kiss, a delicate kiss, as though I were afraid I would break his already lifeless body.
There was no love in that kiss, no sadness. I felt only one thing.
Envy.
I wanted his strength, that strength that had allowed him to finally escape this useless existence. It was a conversation we’d had time and again; there had been so many lengthy discussions on the best way to end it all. And although he never voiced it, or perhaps he did not realize it himself, I know that deep down he expected me to falter. It was his misplaced hope, and my empty promises, that kept him bound to me always.
“Reita.” There was a gentle but demanding tug on the sleeve of my jacket. I half-turned, trying my best to glance at Ruki while at the same time weaving my way carefully through the pulsating crowd within the packed shopping mall. His hand slid down my leather-clad arm and slipped cautiously, almost fearfully, into my own. My response was immediate, and undeniably cruel.
I wrenched my hand out of his grasp as though the sheer touch of his skin on mine burned. My cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment and unprovoked anger as I sped ahead of Ruki, ignoring the flash of hopelessness, unhappiness, in those already saddened eyes. What was Ruki trying to do? Expose our secret? Expose me?
I stared numbly at his now peaceful face, finally free from all the pain that he had carried when he was alive. I wanted to be with him again. I wanted to follow him. But I knew I lacked the courage.
I could almost see a ghost of a smile lingering on his lips. Disappointment laced with understanding. It was a smile I knew all too well. It was the same smile he gave me whenever I shied away from him in public; the same smile with which he bid me farewell whenever I broke up with him, unable to handle our relationship; and the same smile with which he welcomed me back whenever I realized I couldn’t live without him.
But now I had to. I had to live without him because I was too much of a coward to go to his side.
“If I really did it, Reita,” his lithe fingers played nervously, absent-mindedly, with the blank sheet of paper in front of him. Jagged little pieces of pure white floated gently through the air to lay serenely at his feet, like pristine snowflakes settling on cold, barren ground. He paused briefly, his voice silent, his body still. “Would you come with me?”
“Ruki,” my voice cracked, my stained fingers caressing his pallid cheek once more, the touch rough now that the blood had dried. “I’m sorry.”
Even as I whisper those parting words to him, words that implore undeserved forgiveness, I feel no regret. I can only feel envy.
----------
A/N: Fanfic adaptation of my "Envy" poem. Comments are appreciated as always!