a story i wrote for AS (I was amused)
I borrowed characters from South Park. Its crappily written but still funny none the less. Enjoy
“Dude we are so busted!” Tom chuckled. Tom was the kind of person you meet in life that are fun to hang out with, but you know at twenty five year reunion, they are going to be the guy wearing the janitors jacket. That doesn’t mean he isn’t a nice guy though.
“Don’t say that man! Just keep running. O’ma god dude, that was crazy. Do you think he’s gonna notice?” Dax inquired. Dax, now nineteen years old had known nothing in his life but trouble. His mother was knocked up by a mechanic from the Bronx who was interested in nothing to do with a family. His mother referred to Dax as the offspring of the night of a lifetime. Dax never liked that.
After five minutes of running down the hall and out of City High, the school they both attended, Dax and Tom both stopped just behind a dumpster on the back of the campus.
“Did you see that honkies face? Man he didn’t know what hit him. Bro we are so busted. Do you think those posers will tell?” Tom gasped.
“If they ever want to party with us again they won’t. That was so rad! I haven’t had a high like that ages bro. Man it felt like I was surfing the shores of Tennessee again!”
As you can probably tell Dax wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He’s currently in the top four-hundred and fifteen students at his school. What he probably doesn’t want me to tell you is there are four-hundred and seventeen students. You might be thinking that’s not bad, someone has to come in last. The only two students that Dax outrank in GPA are two very “special” young ladies: Retha and Amy McGee. Retha, a very pleasant yound girl, fell out of the car when she was three. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the car falling off of Deadman’s Ridge, the popular shortcut from the liquor store to Retha’s neighborhood. Luckily her head absorbed most of the shock from the fall. She survived the plunge with nothing but a severely damaged medulla oblongata, the part of the brain that enables you to learn, and thirty-seven broken bones.
Amy McGee was another story. She was a perfectly normal girl until her fourteenth birthday when she and her friends were going to go cow tipping. Little did they know, the fence that stood between them and sure nirvana was charged with fifty-thousand volts of finger shocking electricity. Birthday girls first, as the saying goes. I feel sure that Amy regretted being the birthday girl after her foot slipped and she sat straddled on the fence for over four seconds until she lost balance and fell off. After a trip to the hospital it was confirmed that Amy McGee’s puboccocceygeus muscle had been fried and she could no longer control her bladder. The doctor says she was lucky that it was her time of the month because the rubber in her Tampax pad insulated her from the jolt of the shock. Amy has never been the same.
“You hold it!” Tom pushed a small rodent named Lemywenks onto Dax who in turn pushed him back. Lemywenks is a pet of a very well known teacher at City High name Mr. Garrison. “Bro, this smell is rank. I don’t think he wants me to hold him,” Dax nagged.
“This was your idea so you are holding him. I could be out killing some mondo waves but instead I am here liberating a rodent that spoke to you while you were tripping from being in the bathroom to long after the janitor bleached it.” If you hadn’t figured it out already Lemywenks was not the most pleasant smelling rodent. The reason for this is all due to one man: Mr. Slave. You see Mr. Slave is notorious for keeping things in his anal cavity. This is partly due to the fact that he is a slave of Mr. Garrison and partly due to the fact that Mr. Slave was not breast fead when he was a baby. Mothers let this be a lesson.
It all started when Tom asked Dax for his fajita at school. Tom knew that he was messing with a force to powerful for any mortal yet he still consumed that second school fajita. Needless to say he was in the bathroom for the next six hours. In fact he was there so long that the janitor just cleaned the rest of the bathroom around him. This wouldn’t have been bad except for the fact that the bleach fumes had no where to ventilate so Tom sat on the can and inhaled bleach fumes. After an hour or so of these fumes Tom’s perspective on things changed. No longer did he see small living organisms as animals or bugs, but as little people trapped in animals’ and bugs’ bodies. It was this belief that led him to join the crusade to free Lemywenks from the anal cavity of Mr. Slave.
After hours of the can and the fumes Tom had been neglected and locked in the school. It was around this time when he heard a small still voice coming from Mr. Garrison’s room. He slowly but surely levitated down the hallways, or so he swears, towards the origin. When he arrived at the door he floated through the window to see that Mr. Slave, Mr. Garrison’s slave, had fallen asleep with his rump in the air. Mr. Garrison had taken a sick and had to stay home. Tom listened quietly to hear where the voice was coming from. Yes, just as he expected. The voice was coming from Mr. Slave’s favorite hiding spot. Tom floated over and put his ear up to Mr. Slave’s bottom.
“Yes my brave Sir Lemywenks, I have come to aid your cry for help!” Tom exclaimed.
“Hoorah! Finally a hero of soaring stature has come to aid my plee! I have been held prisoner here in Mr. Slave’s anus for quite some time now. I am a strong warrior myself so I have managed to fight off what trechoroush monsters Mr. Slave has tried to kill me with but I grow weary. I cannot fight off his evil minions for much longer. I ask for your help in setting me free.” Lemywenks explained with knight’s valor.
“Anything for a nobleman like yourself Sir Lemywenks. Me and posy are at your service.”
“Indeed young fellow! That’s it. Assemble your posy here now. I feel I haven’t much time left before the dark side takes over. I must be set free, tonight!”
With that being said Tom reached into his pocket and took out a whistle. With one sharp “toot” and a “thunder, thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS HOOOOOO!” Tom knew that Dax would be at his side any moment.
He was right. Before the clock had time to strike another minute Dax was at the side of his faithful compadre, Tom. After explaining the situation to Dax, they both knew what had to be done. Lemywenks had to be set free. They devised a devious plan. Dax was to yank down Mr. Slave’s pants while Tom would plunge for the knight of a mouse they call Lemywenks.
“One, two,” Dax nervously counted, “three!”
With three, Dax shanked Mr. Slave while Tom with one skillful reach, grab, and pull had extracted the brave little rodent.
“Jesus Christ!” moaned Mr. Slave. The look on his face was hilarious. It was a look of defeat, yet at the same time, ah never mind no time to explain. Tom and Dax had already taken off down the hallway.
After reaching their dumpster Lemywenks had a few things to say to the surfer dudes.
“Noble young sirs, what you have done tonight is not only brave but bold. If it were not for you too I would have been trapped in that cave of doom forever. It is because that you have set me free that I can now reveal my true form. Exposium Decolus!” Lemywinks chanted while waving his hands in the air.
Poof! Lemywinks had turned into Jesus Christ himself. I couldn’t believe it but it’s true. Tom and Dax had saved the lord and savior Jesus Christ from sure doom.
“My children, because of your kindness you have redeemed the human race. I was convinced there was no good left in the world. That is why I chose to come down to earth in the form of a rodent. I thought it was a good idea at the time but then I was caught by that horrible man Mr. Slave.People like him make me want to rein down fire and brimstone, but it is people like you two who make me happy inside. I just want you two to know that you have saved the world from total destruction. Flyism ma schism.”
With those final magic words Jesus took off and flew up to heaven. Because of Dax and Tom’s kindness Jesus has promised that nothing will happen to them until they are both the age of one-hundred-and-thirty. They both abuse this now and are currently daredevils tempting death wherever they go.
“Dude we are so busted!” Tom chuckled. Tom was the kind of person you meet in life that are fun to hang out with, but you know at twenty five year reunion, they are going to be the guy wearing the janitors jacket. That doesn’t mean he isn’t a nice guy though.
“Don’t say that man! Just keep running. O’ma god dude, that was crazy. Do you think he’s gonna notice?” Dax inquired. Dax, now nineteen years old had known nothing in his life but trouble. His mother was knocked up by a mechanic from the Bronx who was interested in nothing to do with a family. His mother referred to Dax as the offspring of the night of a lifetime. Dax never liked that.
After five minutes of running down the hall and out of City High, the school they both attended, Dax and Tom both stopped just behind a dumpster on the back of the campus.
“Did you see that honkies face? Man he didn’t know what hit him. Bro we are so busted. Do you think those posers will tell?” Tom gasped.
“If they ever want to party with us again they won’t. That was so rad! I haven’t had a high like that ages bro. Man it felt like I was surfing the shores of Tennessee again!”
As you can probably tell Dax wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He’s currently in the top four-hundred and fifteen students at his school. What he probably doesn’t want me to tell you is there are four-hundred and seventeen students. You might be thinking that’s not bad, someone has to come in last. The only two students that Dax outrank in GPA are two very “special” young ladies: Retha and Amy McGee. Retha, a very pleasant yound girl, fell out of the car when she was three. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the car falling off of Deadman’s Ridge, the popular shortcut from the liquor store to Retha’s neighborhood. Luckily her head absorbed most of the shock from the fall. She survived the plunge with nothing but a severely damaged medulla oblongata, the part of the brain that enables you to learn, and thirty-seven broken bones.
Amy McGee was another story. She was a perfectly normal girl until her fourteenth birthday when she and her friends were going to go cow tipping. Little did they know, the fence that stood between them and sure nirvana was charged with fifty-thousand volts of finger shocking electricity. Birthday girls first, as the saying goes. I feel sure that Amy regretted being the birthday girl after her foot slipped and she sat straddled on the fence for over four seconds until she lost balance and fell off. After a trip to the hospital it was confirmed that Amy McGee’s puboccocceygeus muscle had been fried and she could no longer control her bladder. The doctor says she was lucky that it was her time of the month because the rubber in her Tampax pad insulated her from the jolt of the shock. Amy has never been the same.
“You hold it!” Tom pushed a small rodent named Lemywenks onto Dax who in turn pushed him back. Lemywenks is a pet of a very well known teacher at City High name Mr. Garrison. “Bro, this smell is rank. I don’t think he wants me to hold him,” Dax nagged.
“This was your idea so you are holding him. I could be out killing some mondo waves but instead I am here liberating a rodent that spoke to you while you were tripping from being in the bathroom to long after the janitor bleached it.” If you hadn’t figured it out already Lemywenks was not the most pleasant smelling rodent. The reason for this is all due to one man: Mr. Slave. You see Mr. Slave is notorious for keeping things in his anal cavity. This is partly due to the fact that he is a slave of Mr. Garrison and partly due to the fact that Mr. Slave was not breast fead when he was a baby. Mothers let this be a lesson.
It all started when Tom asked Dax for his fajita at school. Tom knew that he was messing with a force to powerful for any mortal yet he still consumed that second school fajita. Needless to say he was in the bathroom for the next six hours. In fact he was there so long that the janitor just cleaned the rest of the bathroom around him. This wouldn’t have been bad except for the fact that the bleach fumes had no where to ventilate so Tom sat on the can and inhaled bleach fumes. After an hour or so of these fumes Tom’s perspective on things changed. No longer did he see small living organisms as animals or bugs, but as little people trapped in animals’ and bugs’ bodies. It was this belief that led him to join the crusade to free Lemywenks from the anal cavity of Mr. Slave.
After hours of the can and the fumes Tom had been neglected and locked in the school. It was around this time when he heard a small still voice coming from Mr. Garrison’s room. He slowly but surely levitated down the hallways, or so he swears, towards the origin. When he arrived at the door he floated through the window to see that Mr. Slave, Mr. Garrison’s slave, had fallen asleep with his rump in the air. Mr. Garrison had taken a sick and had to stay home. Tom listened quietly to hear where the voice was coming from. Yes, just as he expected. The voice was coming from Mr. Slave’s favorite hiding spot. Tom floated over and put his ear up to Mr. Slave’s bottom.
“Yes my brave Sir Lemywenks, I have come to aid your cry for help!” Tom exclaimed.
“Hoorah! Finally a hero of soaring stature has come to aid my plee! I have been held prisoner here in Mr. Slave’s anus for quite some time now. I am a strong warrior myself so I have managed to fight off what trechoroush monsters Mr. Slave has tried to kill me with but I grow weary. I cannot fight off his evil minions for much longer. I ask for your help in setting me free.” Lemywenks explained with knight’s valor.
“Anything for a nobleman like yourself Sir Lemywenks. Me and posy are at your service.”
“Indeed young fellow! That’s it. Assemble your posy here now. I feel I haven’t much time left before the dark side takes over. I must be set free, tonight!”
With that being said Tom reached into his pocket and took out a whistle. With one sharp “toot” and a “thunder, thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS HOOOOOO!” Tom knew that Dax would be at his side any moment.
He was right. Before the clock had time to strike another minute Dax was at the side of his faithful compadre, Tom. After explaining the situation to Dax, they both knew what had to be done. Lemywenks had to be set free. They devised a devious plan. Dax was to yank down Mr. Slave’s pants while Tom would plunge for the knight of a mouse they call Lemywenks.
“One, two,” Dax nervously counted, “three!”
With three, Dax shanked Mr. Slave while Tom with one skillful reach, grab, and pull had extracted the brave little rodent.
“Jesus Christ!” moaned Mr. Slave. The look on his face was hilarious. It was a look of defeat, yet at the same time, ah never mind no time to explain. Tom and Dax had already taken off down the hallway.
After reaching their dumpster Lemywenks had a few things to say to the surfer dudes.
“Noble young sirs, what you have done tonight is not only brave but bold. If it were not for you too I would have been trapped in that cave of doom forever. It is because that you have set me free that I can now reveal my true form. Exposium Decolus!” Lemywinks chanted while waving his hands in the air.
Poof! Lemywinks had turned into Jesus Christ himself. I couldn’t believe it but it’s true. Tom and Dax had saved the lord and savior Jesus Christ from sure doom.
“My children, because of your kindness you have redeemed the human race. I was convinced there was no good left in the world. That is why I chose to come down to earth in the form of a rodent. I thought it was a good idea at the time but then I was caught by that horrible man Mr. Slave.People like him make me want to rein down fire and brimstone, but it is people like you two who make me happy inside. I just want you two to know that you have saved the world from total destruction. Flyism ma schism.”
With those final magic words Jesus took off and flew up to heaven. Because of Dax and Tom’s kindness Jesus has promised that nothing will happen to them until they are both the age of one-hundred-and-thirty. They both abuse this now and are currently daredevils tempting death wherever they go.