I'm tired...
I keep wanting to write here. I know not many people read this any more, and I think that is why I find it more freeing to write something here instead of writing on myspace or facebook. When I write there I think it is more to get attention of some sort. Not the jumping up and down hey look at me type of attention, but more or less to see who is still out there. Who might still be out there wondering what it is I might be able to do.
One thing I have been doing lately is sifting through pictures lately. Ones that I have on my hard drive, obviously from the past. As I go through files I wonder when the time happened when I lost that person in the picture from my life. Why, after all the times we had, did they suddenly decide that I wasn't good enough to fit into their plans. So I look at that picture, and then, as I click it with my mouse, I drag it to my recycle bin and lay that picture to rest. Then I do it again, and again, and again.
I labled this I'm tired because, well, I'm tired.
I'm tired of being on the back burner. I am tired of people using me. I am tired of being contacted only when someone wants something from me. I just want a simple existence where people actually want to be around me. They hit me up once in a while, even if its just to say hey. I am tired of being in the shadows. I know that is something that I need to be just a bit longer, but I am really starting to get tired of it. I am tired of drifting through days like a bobber on a lake. I am tired of being the size I am. Yet every time I start to think about it I always get told that I shouldn't because people like me the way I am, because I'm cuddly, because I'm a teddy bear, because... I have no other clue why, but it is really starting to wear thin on me. You want to know why I am starting to get tired of it? For my video production class I am the on screen talent for the video we are making. It consisted of my running quite a bit, and doing a few other things that will be seen when we post the video. And right now I am having a hard time walking because of my muscles being sore. Sure most of this is because of last night, and all of the running and sliding to my knees that I was doing. It feels good, don't get me wrong, but it is really making it hard to move right now. It hurt to drive home from campus today. That is how strung out my muscles are right now.
And sometimes I just get tired of being me. Something pretty big is coming up and I have no idea how I will be handling it. It could be good, and it could be bad. I doubt it will be bad, but you never know. And I have no idea what to do when it happens. It's a once in a life-time event, and it does scare me a bit... a bit.
I get tired of being me sometimes because it feels almost like an empty existence. When I walk out the door in the morning sometimes it feels like I am talking out into a cold, dark world alone. That I have nothing waiting for me out there, and that I will always crash and burn. Yet I know that is not the case. I have people out there that care about me, that actually like to see me, that smile when I appear, and that cry when I have to leave (that would be my nephew Sean; He has done that a few times).
I guess this is a place to just try to get what I am thinking down so that maybe, at some later date, I am come back and read it to see what was going on right now...
Roger wilco...
Over and out...
One thing I have been doing lately is sifting through pictures lately. Ones that I have on my hard drive, obviously from the past. As I go through files I wonder when the time happened when I lost that person in the picture from my life. Why, after all the times we had, did they suddenly decide that I wasn't good enough to fit into their plans. So I look at that picture, and then, as I click it with my mouse, I drag it to my recycle bin and lay that picture to rest. Then I do it again, and again, and again.
I labled this I'm tired because, well, I'm tired.
I'm tired of being on the back burner. I am tired of people using me. I am tired of being contacted only when someone wants something from me. I just want a simple existence where people actually want to be around me. They hit me up once in a while, even if its just to say hey. I am tired of being in the shadows. I know that is something that I need to be just a bit longer, but I am really starting to get tired of it. I am tired of drifting through days like a bobber on a lake. I am tired of being the size I am. Yet every time I start to think about it I always get told that I shouldn't because people like me the way I am, because I'm cuddly, because I'm a teddy bear, because... I have no other clue why, but it is really starting to wear thin on me. You want to know why I am starting to get tired of it? For my video production class I am the on screen talent for the video we are making. It consisted of my running quite a bit, and doing a few other things that will be seen when we post the video. And right now I am having a hard time walking because of my muscles being sore. Sure most of this is because of last night, and all of the running and sliding to my knees that I was doing. It feels good, don't get me wrong, but it is really making it hard to move right now. It hurt to drive home from campus today. That is how strung out my muscles are right now.
And sometimes I just get tired of being me. Something pretty big is coming up and I have no idea how I will be handling it. It could be good, and it could be bad. I doubt it will be bad, but you never know. And I have no idea what to do when it happens. It's a once in a life-time event, and it does scare me a bit... a bit.
I get tired of being me sometimes because it feels almost like an empty existence. When I walk out the door in the morning sometimes it feels like I am talking out into a cold, dark world alone. That I have nothing waiting for me out there, and that I will always crash and burn. Yet I know that is not the case. I have people out there that care about me, that actually like to see me, that smile when I appear, and that cry when I have to leave (that would be my nephew Sean; He has done that a few times).
I guess this is a place to just try to get what I am thinking down so that maybe, at some later date, I am come back and read it to see what was going on right now...
Roger wilco...
Over and out...